1. erebh
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    erebh Contributing Member Contributor

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    stuck on a scene

    Discussion in 'Erotica' started by erebh, Oct 11, 2013.

    So two people meet in a bar and they will end up going home together after a few hours drinking.

    Do I need to write out a few hours conversation or can I skip to the chase?

    I want to bypass the bullshit because hours of dialogue will be just a chore for both me and the reader but I'm not sure how to do this. I'll obviously include the high-lights, the important parts of the dialogue as I introduce these characters because it is the opening chapter.

    Any ideas?
     
  2. peachalulu
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    peachalulu Contributing Member Reviewer Contributor

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    You could do a transition.
    If you start with them meeting and having a few laughs you could then just summarize the rest of the night, like
    she beat me at darts, but I didn't mind - she looked so good in her jeans - that kinda thing. Well, a longer than that - lol.
     
  3. Roxie
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    Roxie Active Member

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    Do you foresee anything important taking place during these few hours that the readers need to know? If not **** and skip ahead my friend.
     
  4. erebh
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    erebh Contributing Member Contributor

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    @peachalulu Well it's third person but even if he's thinking yeah I would, I still need something to fill or bypass the night. Would something like: the drinks flowed till neither could stand, Mike asked the barkeep to call a taxi. Or is that a cop-out?
     
  5. erebh
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    erebh Contributing Member Contributor

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    No, just drinking and flirting - my question is how do I skip it?
     
  6. peachalulu
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    peachalulu Contributing Member Reviewer Contributor

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    I wouldn't think so. As long as the scene leading into the transition has the proper build up. But I wouldn't end the scene on that
    line I'd come up with something clever to say in the taxi - a hint of whats coming or a thought about the evening.

    *Not to toot my own horn here but I just put up an article if you want to check it out on Pace and I mention transitions and
    scene changes if you want to check it out. The examples are probably easier to see what I mean.
     
  7. Garball
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    Garball Sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand. Supporter Contributor

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    What about an abrupt change?
    He orders the lady a martini. She leaves a little lipstick on the rim of the glass. Good eye contact. Boom! They are slamming into the door jam outside of his apartment in a drunken, passionate vertical dance on the line that separates inappropriate and illegal.
     
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  8. Garball
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    Garball Sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand. Supporter Contributor

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    Or, you could use one of my favorite lines from one of my friends in college:

    "So, you want to go back to my place and watch the weather channel or something?"
     
  9. 123456789
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    123456789 Contributing Member Contributor

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    Yeah, this is excellent. It's either something like that, or you tell the **** out of the scene.

    "Four drinks and twenty questions later, John and Mary found there way to the closest bathroom stall."
     
  10. David K. Thomasson
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    David K. Thomasson Contributing Member

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    You could show the transition in little slices ...

    When he bought the first round, she gave him a polite thank-you. After the third round her hand was on his knee. By the fifth, ....

    That way you could cover hours of drinking in a few lines and also show how the flirting progressed.
     
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  11. Lewdog
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    Lewdog Come ova here and give me kisses! Supporter Contributor

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    I disagree with everyone. I want to know her sign, her dog's name, her favorite color, if she cries during movies, if she is allergic to penicillin...

    I really do think you need more than one or two lines before BAM they are doing the sheet dance. How about some lines about them exchanging pleasantries, followed by him having a moment of reflection in the men's room deciding if the night is really going to happen, and then when he comes back out she whispers in his ear...then BAM!
     
  12. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    do you even need the bar scene at all?... can you not start with them together and just refer back to how they met in their dialog?

    what 'happening' will best hook the readers and make them have to continue reading?
     
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  13. Tesoro
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    Tesoro Contributing Member Contributor

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    write the beginning of the dialogue, just to get a feeling for how these two find each other, then summarize and give us the last part of the conversation before they leave, but please make sure that all dialogue is interesting and that the reader gets a feeling of why these two connect. if there is a chemistry, that is, not just two drunk people going home together only to say goodbye afterwards and not see each other again.
     
  14. Love P. Maya
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    Love P. Maya New Member

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    The whole meeting in a bar is pointless if just after a few drinks you leave for your apartment. You cannot skip the details of what attracted both of you to each other. How did you encounter each other inside the bar? Where were you sitting/standing ? Where was she sitting/standing? Who caught the other's attention first? What was said? Did it progress to a point where both of you were genuinely wanting to know about each other? Any reason at this point to invite her or not to your apartment?
    LM
     
  15. erebh
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    erebh Contributing Member Contributor

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    @Lewdog @mammamaia @Tesoro

    It's a completely fake situation - she's out o snare him for reasons other than love or even attraction - he's just a typical man-whore who fancies his chances so they won't be sitting under the dock all night under a moonlit sky so I thought there wasn't justification for a whole night of flirting. They are both going to get what they want out of the situation so needless words to fill a page are out. I just want the transition. I think I need to change the scene from their mating-dance to something else completely then revert back to the apartment later on.
     
  16. EdFromNY
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    EdFromNY Hope to improve with age Supporter Contributor

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    Doesn't it really depend on the larger story? And whether the scene in the apartment is the whole point or whether it's a byproduct of other interactions in the plot? What's the purpose of the scene in the bar? A chance meeting, like two ships passing in the night that end up rubbing hulls for a week? A dinner break during a long evening at work during which they find out they have more in common than financial ratios? Or part of a plan on the part of one but not the other, an old fashioned conquest?

    In the examples above, the bar scene may be useful or even necessary, and the conversation will vary depend on what you're trying to do with it. But if it's just going to be a chore for you, @erebh, then I agree with @mammamaia, it's probably best to skip it.

    Edit: Oops, just not quick enough. Erebh's post went up a hair before mine, rendering mine sort of pointless.
     
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  17. Fatback
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    Fatback Banned

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    Detail the bar...Describing the setting itself in a robust manner makes the transition easier if you don't want to expound on too many of the actual activities your characters are engaging in. Perhaps a quick fragment of dialogue, just to give the reader a sense of mood... Atmosphere and mood my friend... Readers understand that the night doesn't end at the bar... Besides any real man-whore could tell you that a bar is just a transition
     
  18. Lewdog
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    Lewdog Come ova here and give me kisses! Supporter Contributor

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    Well if I was a guy and a chick came up to me and wanted to sleep with me right away I would have to step back and have a moment of reflection before I went through with it. That would make it perfect for him to say he needs to go to the bathroom first and he then talks to himself there and goes over the situation talking himself into doing it.
     
  19. Fatback
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    Fatback Banned

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    Except he described the man as a whore... Dudes like that won't hesitate unless he finds the female unattractive.... Besides a female who pushes the sex subject first and strongly isn't really so uncommon... Oh no.... The man is licking his chops... Making whats about to happen to him all the better
     
  20. erebh
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    erebh Contributing Member Contributor

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    I've just posted the first bit - The Honey-Trappers - feel free to tear it apart :)
     
  21. Lewdog
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    Lewdog Come ova here and give me kisses! Supporter Contributor

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    Well when I used to be a man whore, I would still have times of reflection when a chick came on to me hard right away and asked to leave the club and have sex right away. It's just odd to see women approach men and ask for sex right away. I would think any guy would think twice and wonder what's going on.
     
  22. Fatback
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    Fatback Banned

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    Look around buddy.... It's an all pink month. Times have changed.... The idea that women behaving sexually is odd or abnormal is an outdated one and implies bigotry whether intended or not.
     
  23. Lewdog
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    Lewdog Come ova here and give me kisses! Supporter Contributor

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    Haha I wouldn't label it as bigotry, because what you are saying I'm being a bigot about is actually a negative stereotype. I would think most girls don't want to be labeled as whores.
     
  24. EdFromNY
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    EdFromNY Hope to improve with age Supporter Contributor

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    Perhaps the bigotry is your apparent assumption that any girl who pushes for sex quickly or aggressively is a "whore".
     
  25. Lewdog
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    Lewdog Come ova here and give me kisses! Supporter Contributor

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    I stated I was a man whore in my post, and I was responding to Fatback who said that my statement was bigotry because I don't think women act like I did as much as men. So basically he was saying that I didn't think most women would be whores. So therefor why I used the word whore. It was implied as a response.

    So what is your definition of a whore?
     

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