1. halen99
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    halen99 Member

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    Stuck on reference

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by halen99, Jan 17, 2011.

    re: short story I'm writing.

    I have a part early on in the story where a character gets shot in the face with a water gun filled with urine. Gross I know sorry.

    Years later the character goes to a bar where the kid who did it is a bartender. I want to make a reference where the guy orders a drink but also makes a reference to what happened years before.

    For example:

    "What can I get you to drink?"

    And then some reference like, "How about a Scotch neat, you are pretty good with those as I remember." I'm not so sure that the reader would get scotch neat comparing to the urine from before. The fact that it's ordered neat is good but does scotch really look like the pee.

    Any suggestions on this odd one please feel free to let me know :)

    Eddie
     
  2. art
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    art Contributing Member Contributor

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    Tempting to remove all subtlety, here:

    'A pint of piss, please.'
     
  3. FrankABlissett
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    FrankABlissett Active Member

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    Is the character joking about it, resentful, has he largely shrugged it off?

    "Well, Bob," he smiled, "so long as you keep your pants zipped up then how about a scotch?"

    He could feel a glare form in his brows. "Knowing you, I'd almost rather have a mouthful of p**s than the junk you sell. Scotch."

    "How 'bout a scotch - hold the p**s."

    -Frank
     
  4. Jaybrownuk
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    Jaybrownuk Member

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    How about... 'Scotch, neat, no ice no urine'

    I think Frank offered the best to be honest. :cool:
     
  5. halen99
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    halen99 Member

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    Yeah I really like the pants zipped up one. I'm going for humor. But I'm open to other ideas too. Thanks all!
     
  6. AJR SSC BSC
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    AJR SSC BSC New Member

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    "What'll it be?"

    "Gin and tonic, hold the piss."
     
  7. Allegro Van Kiddo
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    Allegro Van Kiddo Contributing Member

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    All good ones above.

    Instead of saying "and a squirt of lemon" how about, "with a squirt of piss".
     

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