"John Quinn was born into a wealthy family in a nasty neighborhood; sick of the conditions they lived in, the Quinn family decided to move somewhere nicer. Hal Quinn, John's father, decided to take the family to Tokyo, Japan. They settled specifically in Akihabara, a district in the Chiyoda ward, regarded as the world of otaku. But one day, as John noticed someone being mugged, he went to save said person. As he defeated the mugger, he dropped what appeared to be a vial. There was a button on it; against his better judgement, John held onto it and took it home. That night, the temptation overwhelmed him, and he pressed the button. A clear liquid sprayed out onto John's skin. It felt acidic, and while there was no surface wound, it hurt greatly. After several agonizing minutes, the pain went away. John shakily stood, and faced a mirror. As he reached for it, a sharp piece of his bone came out. Strangely, he did not feel any pain by it. He jerked his hand back, and the bone retracted. John came to the stunning realization that he had the power of bone manipulation. The next day, as he was out and about exploring the various anime/manga stores, when the same mugger he defeated came back to him with backup. They drew their weapons, and opened fire on John. He unconsciously drew his bone-blades into a shield-like formation. Terrified, they dropped their weapons and ran away, calling John a "freak" the whole time. He looked down his torso, and noticed a few bullets grazed him. To his amazement, his skin rapidly healed. John now had a healing factor." If there is anything wrong with this origin idea, then please specify so I may correct it. (A big thanks for SethLoki for pointing out how the original clarifications were a paradox.) Best Regards, King_Horror
Hello @King_Horror ; I'm afraid your clarification has trapped in a multi-dimensional paradox-like odd logic loop; I can only feedback on what your piece sounds like, no suggestions for corrections—just have me say good or bad and oh, it'd be splendid if I told you what was wrong with it—but only IF. Who gave the first opinion by the way?
Oh, crap. Thank you for pointing that out, I feel dumb now for not realizing it made no sense. The clarifications, anyway. as for the first opinion, I talked to my mother about it. Unsurprisingly, she said: "Cool, I like it." It obviously didn't help much. I shall correct the clarifications and then, hopefully, get responses.
For myself this sounds cheesy, or maybe cliché. Until you write the story I won't know if it's "cool cheesy / cliché", or "stupid cheesy / cliché".
RobT, I thank you for the input. Maybe when I get around to writing the first chapter, I'll post it on the forum for opinions.
Just by the brief description there is a lot of cliche going on. Simply based off what was written, it looks like a parallel wolverine, with bone manipulation (his early claws) and healing. How is someone who is wealthy living in a bad neighborhood, which I took to mean slums or ghetto? Does being in a bad neighborhood somehow relate to the traits of the person being good or having to learn to make hard choices? If it is just for a reason to move to "somewhere nicer" then the bad neighborhood really doesn't have a bearing. Also why Japan, why Akihabara of all places. Giving the cost of moving and living there, granted you said they were wealthy is just over the top. He doesn't have to live in Akihabara to hang out there or travel and find something there. Just my opinion, I'm by far not an expert so take it at face value.
You bring up several good points I have not thought of. I thank you for the time to reply, this indeed helps. I shall make a revision soon.
It's okay.... I didn't give you much slack there sorry; I didn't realise you were a young adult either. I'm guessing you'll be writing for YA's too, your own age group? As it stands the piece comes across quick and like a summary (which is what it's supposed to be yes?). If this is your general writing style there are a few things you could do as an exercise on this before carrying what you've learnt into your story: Knock out a few adverbs (not necessarily all of them), limit the number of powerful words you use (save them for climactic moments, it'll ease the melodramatic feel (cheese)) 'stunning', 'agonizing', for example. Say why things are strange rather than just use the word strangely (this'll put more meat on the bones, draw it away from appearing too mechanical and draw a reader in). And watch for your writing habits they'll lead you to unwittingly put in your own turns of phrase (repeatedly); you're very fond of the word 'as'.
