1. purplehershey
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    purplehershey Member

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    The Art of Being Extraordinary - Query Letter

    Discussion in 'Query & Cover Letter Critique' started by purplehershey, Jul 9, 2014.

    please delete thread
     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2014
  2. purplehershey
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    purplehershey Member

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  3. daemon
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    daemon Contributing Member Contributor

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    These are the tangible and not-so-tangible details I can discern:
    1. Charlie is 23 years old and... scrawny? dorky looking?
    2. Charlie had two moms.
    3. Charlie competed in grape challenges at one point or another.
    4. Charlie attended PTA meetings for some reason at one point or another.
    5. Charlie wore a marshmallow suit for some reason at one point or another.
    6. Charlie's moms both died for some reason.
    7. Charlie is speaking at his moms' funeral.
    8. Charlie mentions points 3-5 in his speech.
    9. Charlie realizes mid-speech that he loves someone, and he is really talking about his own love for that person, not about his moms' love for each other.
    10. Charlie realizes mid-speech that his moms' love for each other impacted the audience.
    Tell a bit more about who his moms were and what was significant about their relationship. Cleaning up some sentences that did not contribute to the details I listed should provide more space for that. Seeing the points of information written in someone else's words should also put them into perspective and help you decide if you want to keep them. (e.g. I would get rid of #10 and clarify #9 since I doubt that is what you actually mean.)

    The decision of when to mention that it is a funeral is tricky. I faced a similar decision in a query I recently wrote. The only way to make the decision is to write both versions and compare them.
     
  4. purplehershey
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    purplehershey Member

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    Thank you @daemon !
     
  5. Mike Kobernus
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    Mike Kobernus Contributing Member

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    The very first thing that I noticed, was that "transcend beyond death" was tautological. It should simply say "transcend death."
    I will continue reading...
     
  6. Mike Kobernus
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    Mike Kobernus Contributing Member

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    I changed a bit, here and there, and I think made it a bit smoother.

    THE ART OF BEING EXTRAORDINARY is a 50,000 word contemporary young adult novel that shows the bond of love transcending even death.

    Standing on that stage, Charlie Brant was a “suffocating, helium-filled, sticks-for-arms, twenty-three year old, with a good chance his zipper had come undone”, and he knew it. He remained determined though, despite all of this, to share his newfound understanding of the meaning of extraordinary with the audience of black blobs that stared up at him expectantly.

    Through the adventures of grape challenges, PTA meetings, and a marshmallow suit, Charlie allows the crowd to glimpse the greatest love story of all time. As he tells it, he slowly begins to realize that the love story he was telling was not that of his two mothers', but rather his own.

    As Charlie traverses the timeline of his life, nearing present day, the dam of denial he has built with jokes and stories starts to crumble. He knows he needs to face the day for what it really is; his mothers’ funeral. With his heartbreak comes a realization that the extraordinary love his mothers had for one another has not only changed his life forever, but the hundreds of people grieving with him.

    Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
     
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  7. purplehershey
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    purplehershey Member

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    Last edited: Dec 27, 2014
  8. Mike Kobernus
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    Mike Kobernus Contributing Member

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    Hi. I still think that there is not really anything to grab the reader from the get go. So try this version, below.


    Dear (insert agent name here),

    Charlie Brant is special. Coming from a family with two mothers, some people find it odd that Charlie is actually straight, but that is not what makes him special.

    Sure, he is not the most manly of men, and standing there on the podium that day, feeling like a suffocating, helium-filled, sticks-for-arms, twenty-three year old boy with a good chance his zipper had come undone, he did not feel at all special. But then it happened.

    At a loss of what he should say to the expectant crowd, he decides to tell a story; a story about two imperfect, but real people, his mothers.

    Through an episodic recollection of important dates and memories, Charlie allows the crowd a glimpse into his life of grape challenges, marshmallow suits, and a liver dedicated to the pursuit of love. And he begins to tell the greatest love story of all time.

    As Charlie traverses the timeline of his life, the dam of denial he has built up with his jokes and distractions comes crumbling down. He finally comes to terms with the day, and accepts it for what it really is; his mothers’ funeral.

    With his heartbreak comes a realization that the extraordinary love his mothers had for one another cannot be defined, or analyzed, but is simply engrained in who they were and how acted. And as the story unfolds, Charlie begins to understand the true gift of his mothers' love.

    Charlie Brant is special. And now he knows it.

    THE ART OF BEING EXTRAORDINARY is a 50,000 word contemporary LGBT novel that appeals to the new-adult reader.


    Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
     
  9. K.P Gazelle
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    K.P Gazelle Member

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    I agree. This version is a lot smoother and gives greater clarity about the novel. Also, the change in genre is for the better :).


     

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