1. Acrimen19
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    Acrimen19 Banned

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    THE CYBER PLAGUE (Revisionment)

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Acrimen19, Feb 11, 2011.

    I have a few changes I made. Its going to be a family picture book kind of like the dinotopia series. I just need a professional opinion on what I got so far.

    Hey Ted, Wake up it is time for work. Oh you want me to leave your property. Then I Might as well cease to exist. Yes it is me, your inner conscience. Yah I know I never show up but You actions are what make me exist. I never get the freedom to tell you anything unless you let me. I may be corrupt if you are not careful. And if you are careful you could save yourself from eternal separation. Ok the last part is a bit exaggerating. Ok so We were walking near a desert of some sort and we stopped in a town full of Cybernoid, Also known as wonder birds. Nah I made that up. But How else do you treat them but like animals when we were there. You called them that when we were there. But you know that how it was.

    Oh yes you know who I am you just forgot. You are starting to rot. So I might as well tell you your story when you were a youth. So you might remember. If you are watching this recording.

    Sincerely yours- Null


    Teds acount

    I get up every morning wondering what garbage I will be against today. It could be me getting picked on in the street or worse. My name is Ted, Mostly every citizen in town has three letter named. It doesn’t matter what rank you are at to get a better name. They are pretty much equal. The only problem is how we function which makes us who we are.

    I may look proper like the others but I do have a disability which will forever put me in self shame. I have no way of seeing color or in this case One of my parts supporting my sight circuits is damaged. Never even got close to fixing it since the only person available to fix this issue is the maker of humanity. I don’t know who he is but I am assuming he can help. I have been for ever trying to build a flying machine to maker with out encountering the enemies of our society.

    Now I have already complained about not being able to see. And just for the record I do not feel like insulting anyone else. I mean that would just be foolish. But I will not in a million years or even a millennium respect Cybernoid’s. What is a Cybernoid you ask. I really don’t know. Some say they are the evil side of the human creation. They are not like us meaning they must be avoided. Of course I cant do anything about it. I wish I could but, That is in the arms of the big boss him self. Funny, I cant say anything interesting describing him since we are all robots and have three letter names. Well that I know of. This mans name is Jet. He is the leader of the Cyne-Drones. Before I can get into anymore detail a Cyne-Drone is our own kind. We are the most like our maker. We, yes including me, stand out compared to Cybernoid’s. But unfortunate the Cybernoid’s have been separated for a life time. That all I know. I always wanted to sly one but it seems like that will never happen.

    I am stuck here working on weapons using colorless data to tell which piece is which. Hey I didn’t say it would be see without color. I mean the pieces look similar due to this. Anyway. I just got up this morning and started to get to work being teased in the process. I started working on some data work and got off work late. I then hear about this Cybernoid coming and being kidnapped by one of our Hover Cop Drones. They are freaky I might add.

    Of course I got tempted to see the Cybernoid like always. But most of them are never caught in time. I looked at him with fear and interest. Not the interest in a likeable way but in how they caught him. Looking at him I felt a little bit bad for the guy. What am I kidding he is evil. Why should I feel bad for him.



    Note I am using picture drawings to tell the story.
     
  2. Mallory
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    Mallory Mallegory. Contributor

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    Review Room. ;) (And if you haven't already, give two constructive critiques first so the mods don't close your thread)
     
  3. Acrimen19
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    Acrimen19 Banned

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    Ok I was able to review two things with all the time I had.
     
  4. Mallory
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    Mallory Mallegory. Contributor

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    Okay awesome - that's the place to post your excerpt - this board is mainly for asking questions about general writing tips and talking about general writing issues.
    Just letting you know :)
     

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