1. AfterBroadway
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    AfterBroadway Senior Member

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    The Haiku Thread

    Discussion in 'Writing Prompts' started by AfterBroadway, Aug 17, 2011.

    First thing's first. This isn't just a thread for haiku's.

    This is for any poem that isn't worth starting a thread about. (Small, four or five line poems.) However, before you post one of your own poems, you must critique the poem above yours.

    I'd like to get things started:


    Just so you know, I actually didn't mean for this to have any rhyming scheme, it just worked out that way on the first few lines, sort of.

    Habits

    I know when you hear me.
    Lying there, you dead little piggy.
    A maggot in your belly,
    One eye half-open, waiting
    In case we need each other.
     
  2. J.P.Clyde
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    J.P.Clyde Prince of Melancholy Contributor

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    I was never really a fan of haikus. To be honest with you, I am not sure if you intended for your haiku to make me chuckle, but it did. I laughed at the last line. Otherwise to me for a hakiu it is good. I like it. It followed the haiku rules very easily. You'll notice this is my first time working with critiquing a haiku. So I am not sure where I go from here. Good job. Hope to read more.
     
  3. AfterBroadway
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    AfterBroadway Senior Member

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    Technically, I don't think it is a haiku. Just a poem not worth starting a thread about, haha.
     
  4. J.P.Clyde
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    J.P.Clyde Prince of Melancholy Contributor

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    ahahahaa. Broadway. All I know is that haikus never sounded like poetry to me.
     
  5. ZombieHappyMeal
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    ZombieHappyMeal Member

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    I actually like this piece. I take it the dead pig is an analogy for habits. Always there if you need to fall back upon it? I think that I would cut the first line of this poem and just start with, "Lying there, you dead little piggy." Gives it more of a punch.

    The Death of Fluffy

    My koi died today
    Leaving me by my lonesome
    Haiku is stupid
     
  6. Finhorn
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    Finhorn Senior Member

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    Zombie, where's the seasonal reference? Every good English Major knows that a haiku isn't a haiku unless you work the weather into it. Personally I think that the Japanese people must have spent too much time outside.

    Okay, yeah, the form has been corrupted so it makes sense in English. And I guess seasonal references don't carry the same weight in our culture and hence haikus can be stronger without them, so I'll admit they aren't required.

    In your poem I get the impression that with the last line you meant "Haiku is stupid Because it doesn't fill the void." But that doesn't come across. Maybe something like "Haiku does it too"

    Late Summer Monsoons

    School starts today
    One-hundred degrees outside
    Hot tears fall within
     

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