1. Raven
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    The Joke Thread.

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Raven, Oct 20, 2006.

    You know how we are depressed sometimes, well let's have a joke thread!

    If it's going to be controversial, preface it before you tell the joke and then highlight it in black.



    First Joke:


    Q. What's a mixed feeling?
    A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

    Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
    A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

    Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
    A. Because it's worth it!

    Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
    A. Their balls are just for decoration.

    Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
    A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

    Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
    A: 45 KG.

    Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    A: 45 minutes.

    Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    A: Breasts don't have eyes.



    ~Raven.
     
  2. Raven
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    Two Irish brothers decide to start up their own pig farm. But the brothers only have enough to by to pigs.
    So they go to the market and buy two pigs. When they get them back to their small farm they spend the day building a pig sty. The younger brother asks the older brother "how will we tell the difference between which pig is yours and which pig is mine." The older brother decided to cut the tail off his pig then says "my pig will be the one without a tail so we will know whos pig is whos." That night the pig without a tail chews off the other pigs tail.
    In the morning the two Irish brothers come out to feed the pigs. The younger brother notices that they both have no tail. "How will we tell the difference no he asks."
    The older brother thinks for a moment then decides to cut the ear of one of the pigs. "Ok my pig is the one with only one ear now we can tell which pig is mine and which pig is your."That night the other pigs chews off an ear off the pig with two ears.
    The morning comes and the two Irish brothers come to feed the pigs "ok now look whats happened they both have one ear." Says the younger brother.
    The older brother cuts the remaining ear of one of the pigs then says "My pig is the earless one and yours is the other."
    The following night the pig with no ears chews the remaining ear of the other pig.
    Come the morning the two Irish brothers come out again to feed the pigs. The younger brother says "Now look they both have no tail or ears how do we tell the difference now"
    Well the older brother looks at both pigs and says "OK I'm sick of this we'll just say the pink pig is yours and the black pig is mine."



    ~Raven.
     
  3. Raven
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    THE HUSBAND STORE


    A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
    woman may go to choose a husband.

    Among the Instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store
    operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

    There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
    shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch .. ..
    You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go
    up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
    floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

    The second floor sign reads:

    Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

    The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
    extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep
    going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead
    gorgeous and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" She exclaims, "I
    can hardly stand it!"

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead
    gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
    reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on
    this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
    to please.

    Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit
    the building, and have a nice day!









    ~Raven.
     
  4. Felony
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    lol

    Yo mamma's so poor she can't afford to pay attention.

    Yo mamma's so fat when she jumps in the pool the water jumps out.

    one day a women goes in to complain about a guy because he says that her hair smells nice. "What's wrong with that" said the officer. "He's a midget!!!!" she said.
     
  5. Raven
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    lmao



    The Bacon Tree

    Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree.


    "Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"



    "Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."



    "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.



    "Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."



    The leader goes back and tells his people what the old Jew said. "So why did he say not to go there?" a person asked. Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Jews- they lie just for a joke."



    So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Jew.



    Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."



    The old man holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oy, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree...

    (Are you ready?)
















    "It vuz a ham bush."








    ~Raven.
     
  6. Raven
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    During the cold war in the mid 50s, a mathematician and an RF engineer were recruited to man a radar surveillance station in Alaska. They were told that in addition to their pay they would get a rather special bonus. So after a month of strenuous duty in the Alaskan winter, they are led into the base gym where in the far corner stands Miss America 1956. Both the engineer and the mathematician immediately want to race across to her, but are held back by their commanding officer: "You guys are allowed to go to her, but each step you take must be exactly half as long as the previous one". The mathematician does a quick calculation in his head and announces: "I give up, I'll never be able to reach her!". The engineer, however, continues walking towards her, saying: "I might not exactly reach her, but I'll get close enough to do the job."

    --------------------

    A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

    Engineer : What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
    Doctor : I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
    Priest : Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.
    Priest : Hi George. Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They are rather slow, aren't they?
    George : Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

    The group was silent for a moment.
    Priest : That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
    Doctor : Good idea. And I'm going to contact my opthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
    Engineer : Why can't these guys play at night?




    ~Raven.
     
  7. Raven
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    What's the diffrence between a good bassoon player and a Unicorn?
    No diffrence, both are mythical creatures.

    What's the diffrence between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist?
    The snake had skid marks leading up to it.

    Why are trombone players better lovers? Well, trumpet players do it with three fingers, baritone players do it with four fingers,
    but trombonists do it with seven positions!

    Why are violinists like S.C.U.D. Missiles?
    Both are offensive and inaccurate!

    Q: How many Sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None, she'll stand on a piano, drink a diet coke and haver her accompanist do it.

    How do you keep two oboe players in tune?
    Shoot one of them.

    Three Sax players are buried up to their necks in cement, what do you say?
    Not enough cement!

    When will the world end?
    When we find a good drummer.


    One morning a violin player calls up the symphony hall to find out when rehearsal is. When he gets connected the secretary says that the conductor died suddenly last night of a heart attack. The violinist hangs up.

    Five minutes later the violinist calls up again and asks when the practice is, and again the secretary tells him that the conductor died of a heart attack in his sleep. The violinist hangs up again.

    For the next 45 minutes the volinist keeps calling and asking when practice is and the secretary keeps giving the same response until finally she says: "I've told you 25 times that the conductor is dead, why do you keep calling?!"

    And the violinist replies smoothly: "Because I just love hearing it."


    As a group of accordion player take off on a plane a terrorist hijacks it and demands that they set down again immediately.

    As the plane radio's in that they have a a hijacking and a hostage situation. The plane is given the OK to land and the police negotiators and S.W.A.T. are brought in to diffuse the situation.

    The police move in to give the terrorists a phone so which they can communicate with. The terrorists soon call the police and give them their demands and request that they be met. The police however will not agree to this until they talk to some of the crew on board, the terrorists refuse and the situation continues.

    Eventually the terrorists concede and tell the police they can talk to one of the passengers. The lead terrorist hands the phone to a passenger.
    The police ask: "Who are you and what are you doing on the plane?"
    The passenger replies: "My name's Doug and me and all the guys on this plane are headed to one of the worlds biggest accordion festivals in the world."

    The police then ask Doug to hand the phone back to the terrorist. He does so and the terrorist asks the police what they want.
    The police respond: "We'll give you $10, 000, 000 to make sure that those accordion players never get off that plane."




    ~Raven.
     
  8. Raven
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    A plane is crossing the Atlantic when suddenly it experiences serious engine trouble. THe pilots do a quick calculation and determine they need three adult men to jump in order for the plane to make it to land. As the flight attendant makes her way back with the news she tries to round up volunteers. After a few minutes she finds three men, a British, a Frenchmen, and an American. So she proceed to pop the emergency hatch on the door and stands aside to let the men jump. The Brit goes over and yells"Long live the Queen!" and jumps out. The frenchman close behind screams out "Viva la France!!" and the American who was lingering behind exclaimed "Remember the Alamo!!" grabbed a Mexican and threw him out the hatch.

    ---------------------------------------------
    What do you call a sunburnt frenchman and a moody german?

    Dinner-French Toast and Sour Kraut




    ~Raven.
     
  9. Raven
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    There were 4 scholars that are always having a discussion, and because out of favortism, three of the four scholars always gangs up on this one scholar. Stifling his voice and belittling his comment.

    One day, they got into a very heated arguments, and the way the four thought were justl like before, the one lonely scholar on one side while the other three teamed up against him.

    The lonely man, determined to be right prayed to God: "Lord, please show them that I am right, give me a sign!"

    Suddenly, all the clouds in the sky gathered at one place, looming over their head.

    "See! See! Look, I'm right! That's a sign!" said the lonely man.

    But the other three scholars blew it off as a natural coincidence and is easily explainable as a natural cause.

    The lonely man, stubborn as he is, continued to pray to God: "Lord, please show them that I am right, give me another sign!"

    Suddenly a lightning flahed out of the clouds that gathered and struck the tree near by, splitting it in half.

    "See! See! Look, I'm right! That's a sign!" said the lonely man.

    The three scholars again blew him off, saying that that was only a coincidence.

    The lonely man, knowing he is right, continued to pray to God: "Lord, convince them that I am right!"

    Then a hole opened within the middle of the cloud and a beam of light poured onto the four scholars and in a booming majestic voice, the Lord said "Heee's Riiight!"

    The leader of the group shrugged and said: "Now it's 2 to 3."
     
  10. Raven
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    Headlines from the year 2029!​

    Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

    White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

    Baby conceived naturally - - scientists stumped.

    Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

    Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

    France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

    Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

    George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

    Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to sunny Wednesdays only.

    85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

    Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

    Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

    Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

    Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

    Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. IQ raised to 27.

    IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

    Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
     
  11. Raven
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    A man decides to call home after a hard day's work at the office and dials the number on his Nokia N-90. Telephone rings.
    Laura picks it up.
    "Hello?"
    "Hey my girl, how're you doing? Where's mommy?"
    "She's in the bedroom. With uncle George."
    short silcence.
    "....Who's uncle George?.......Listen dear, you go into the bedroom and tell them that I'm driving up very soon into the garage."
    "Allright daddy."
    Shortly afterwards:
    "Hey daddy!"
    "Laura, what exactly happened?"
    "I went in and saw mommy without clothes jumping on uncle Geoge, who was without clothes, too! I told them you were parking in the garage. Both of them leapt up and mommy leapt out of the bed, trying to put her clothes on, but slipped and fell off the window and is on the pavement now and doesn't move anymore. Uncle George tried to leap out of the window facing our swimming pool, but didn't know that you had drained it before you left this morning. He cracked his skull on the pool floor and also doesn't move anymore...."
    Silence for a few sec.
    "Swimming pool? Woops, wrong number!"
     
  12. Raven
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    Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

    "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

    Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

    The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

    To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

    "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

    Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."
     
  13. Nexus
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    Nexus Contributing Member

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    Why do woman never go on adventures?

    Their afraid of getting caught in booby traps!!!


    (My first ever joke, when I was 7 and had no sense of humour whatsoever)
     
  14. Raven
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    Hmmm.
     
  15. lioness1612
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    lioness1612 Senior Member

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    Ad reads:


    Post Date: Aug 7th, 2006
    Expire Date: Sep 6th, 2006

    $10,000
    06' Suzuki GSXR 1000
    Farmington, UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006
    2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently, "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve.
     
  16. SeaBreeze
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    LMAO. staying up past my bed time is worth it to check back on these older threads. HULL, you are so funny. I hope you post some more up now! You made me laugh really hard considering my energy is lacking and my eyes are goign all bleary!
     
  17. Raven
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    LOL

    Hey i forgot about this thread. i will have to do more jokes.
     
  18. Eoz Eanj
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    A man and a midget are driving along a strip of road.

    One behind the other.

    Suddenly the man stops and the midget crashes into him.

    Furious the midget gets out of his car and walks over to the man.

    The man winds down his window, ‘Yes?’ he says.

    The midget grinds his teeth in anger before shouting, ‘LOOK I AM NOT HAPPY!’

    The man, smiles and then replies

    ‘Then which one are you?’
     
  19. JetBlack
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    # When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

    # Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

    # There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

    # Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

    # Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    #

    Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
    # Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

    # Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

    # There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

    # When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

    # Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

    # Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

    # Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

    # Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

    # Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

    # Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

    # Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

    # Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

    # Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

    # # When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

    # Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

    # Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

    # There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

    # A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

    # When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

    # Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

    # Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

    # When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
     
  20. Heather Louise
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    who the hell is Chuck Norris?!

    hahaa, that one had me in stitches, i love jokes about New Zealand. (stupid country, don't ask) :p

    just a couple i've got anyways.


    A woman, pregnant with triplets, is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother. "I was having a pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog.”


    A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to London, with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to Brisbane." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The Captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to London." The Captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's Ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first-class section isn't going to London".


    This little boy comes up to his father and says " Daddy, is God a man or a woman? Dad says "Both son, God is both" After a while the kid comes again and says "Daddy, is God black or white?" The dad says (after thinking for a while) "Both son, both." After a few minutes the kid comes back again and says "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"


    On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light, and next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid said, "Yeah." The cop said, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid took the ticket. Before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid said, "Well next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."


    A man walks into a drug store with his 9 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" The man matter of factly replies "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see" replied the boy pensively. "Yes I've heard of that in health class at school. He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday. "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the father replies, "These are for married men - one for January, one for February, one for March, ...."
     
  21. SeaBreeze
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    ROFLMAO. hahahhahahaaaa. I will have to remember those ones! hahahhahahhaaaaa!

    Oh, Chuck Norris... blackbelt in a gazzillion types of martial arts, movie star and the star of Walker, Texas Ranger. Or something like that. :p
     
  22. adamant
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    Love cable internet double-posts :love:
     
  23. adamant
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    adamant Contributing Member Contributor

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    Eh... Aussies. The state is TEXAS! Spell it right or Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick your dreams.
     
  24. SeaBreeze
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    SeaBreeze Banned

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    Hey, I knew I didn't spell it right. I never do! :p And Chuck Norris is my friend! So he wont hurt me. HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO FIGHT! mwahahhahaha.

    But I went back and editted!
     
  25. Domoviye
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    Domoviye Contributing Member

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    You forgot one of Chuck Norris' favourite lines.

    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, unfortunately he will never cry.
     

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