A man and his wife were discussing "Living Wills" in their living room, having just watched a news article about them on TV. The man pondered, with a troubled look on his face. "Just so you know, I never want to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and a bottle of fluids. I want you to promise that if that ever happens, you'll pull the plug." Hiw wife looked at him and nodded. Then she stood up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all his beer.
I know. I was bored last night and was just looking back on the older threads and found this one. It was funny and I wanted to resurect it. I just got to look for jokes... hmm.. are blonde jokes allowed?
Confucious say - Man who eat meat and peas on same plate very unhygienic. The only other one I can remember is too rude to put on here.
An attractive blonde boarded a plane for a cross-country flight, and started to settle in to her window seat to nap for the trip. A well-dressed lawyer planted himself in the aisle seat beside her. Seeing the young lady next to him, he decided to try to interest her in a game to pass the time. He suggested a game in which each of them would take turns posing a question for the other, and if the person couldn't answer, he or she would hand over five dollars to the asker. The young lady replied that she really wasn't interested, and that what she really wanted was to catch up on some sleep. The lawyer, disappointed, pulled out a magazine from the seat back in front of him and tried to amuse himself. An hour into the flight, he decided to try again. Confident in his vast store of knowledge, he said, "What if I make it more interesting? For every question you ask, if I can't answer it, I'll give you a hundred dollers, but if I ask a question you can't answer, I'll only take five dollars." The woman thought about it, and decided she wasn't going to be able to sleep anyway, so she reluctantly agreed. The lawyer started with an easy question, so as not to make her change her mind. "What is a state whose name begins with the letter 'W'?" The woman wordlessly reached into her purse and handed him a five dollar bill, and tried to close her eyes again to ignore him. But he urged her to take her turn and ask him a question. She thought for a moment. "What goes up a hill on three legs and comes down on four?" Then she closed her eyes and tried once more to fall asleep. The lawyer thought and thought, but couldn't come up with an answer. He powered up his laptop and looked for an answer, but of course could not go to the Internet. Seeing his companion asleep beside him, he used the airphone to call a friend, and the friend searched on his behalf, but couldn't come up with an answer either. He asked his friend to continue looking, and he would call back in three hours. He wracked his brain, but still could not come up with an answer. So half an hour before the end of the flight, he checked back with his friend, who had also come up empty. Being a man of his word, he woke the young lady, and admitted he couldn't answer her question, and handed her a crisp hundred dollar bill. "Ok, but I really have to know. What What goes up a hill on three legs and comes down on four?" The blonde handed him a five dollar bill, then went back to sleep.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" Woman Joke Reading in Boat - Funny Clean Joke"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
This sunday started off like every other one. The town was small and quaint, most being at the church on the hill. The service was going smooth as can be, when suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The old man replied, "Yep, sure do." Aren't you afraid of me? Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep, " was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope." More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. FEMALE INTERVIEWR So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended. You got to love the Marines!
A comedian preforms at a homeless shelter. He stands up upon the stage and directs the attention of the settling audience. He smiles, he raises his microphone to his lips and says, "Ah, I'm so glad to see so many bums on seats"
This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
