1. Hulk
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    Hulk Banned

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    The Joke Thread

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Hulk, Jan 25, 2008.

    *wipes a tear from his eye* Yes, i know. Another one of my ingenius ideas.


    Well, this is the joke thread where you can post the jokes that made you double over with laughter. I'll start us off - oh, sorry, i already have by the looks of my first sentence.
     
  2. Neha
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    Neha Beyond Infinity. Contributor

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    here's one:

    Doctors meeting
    A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

    Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

    The other three agreed.

    The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

    The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

    The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

    The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."
     
  3. Hulk
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    lol! That is quite good.
     
  4. Neha
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    Neha Beyond Infinity. Contributor

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    here's another. this is good too:

    After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

    "Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

    "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."
     
  5. Hulk
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    LMAO! Now this is really good!!!
     
  6. lessa
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    lessa Contributing Member

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    Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his
    wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him.
    She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the
    driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

    The next morning Mark got up really early before work.
    When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the
    window. And sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box
    sitting in the middle of the driveway.

    Confused the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway
    and took the box into the house.
    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors.
     
  7. lessa
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    lessa Contributing Member

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    A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
    He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
    The pastor shouted out "CROSS."
    Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."
    The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."
    The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."
    The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total silence.
    Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
    Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."
     
  8. lordofhats
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    lordofhats Contributing Member

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    No Lawyers were hurt in the making of this joke:

    Ok so there is this truck driver. Now this truck driver really dislikes lawyers and often runs them over as he drives down the street. One day he's driving down the street and sees this lawyer. So he swirves off the road and runs the lawyer over.

    Now five miles down the road he sees this priest hitchhiking and being a religious man pulls over to pick him up. The priest hops in thanks the truck driver and they go on their way.

    Another five miles down the road this truck driver sees another lawyer and swirves off the road to hit him. As he's about to hit this lawyer he thinks "wait, I can't do this with a priest here." so he swirves away at the last second and hears a thumping sound on the passenger side door.

    "Oh my god father!" The rucker says "I'm so sorry I nearly ran that priest over with my truck"

    "The priest replies. "Don't worry I got him with the door."
     
  9. Neha
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    Neha Beyond Infinity. Contributor

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    lolz those were good, soz this:

    There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking along together in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave.

    He stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave.

    The Polish fellow was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something.

    "No", said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you.

    Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", off came the clothes and into the cave he goes.

    The Polack started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave.

    As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger then the ones that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave!"

    Well... he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.

    The next day in the newspaper the head lines read, Naked Polack Run Over By Freight Train!!
     
  10. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    You know, the toughest part of getting older is that we start losing abilities that we took for granted when we were younger. Maybe we can't move as quickly, or have a harder time sleeping through the night. Maybe we can't eat the foods we used to love.

    But certain things we can pretty much count on losing, and they are the toughest of all to deal with.

    The second thing to go is memory. We forget names, or have a tough time keeping appointments.

    But the first thing to go is even tougher on us. It impacts every aspect of our lives.




    I'm sorry... What was I saying just then?
     
  11. Neha
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    Neha Beyond Infinity. Contributor

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    lolz
     
  12. Eoz Eanj
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    Eoz Eanj Contributing Member Contributor

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    A ham sandwich walks into a bar

    The bartender says, 'Sorry we don't serve food here'
     
  13. lordofhats
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    lordofhats Contributing Member

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    I went to the old man of the mountain, seeking the answer to eternal life. I found the old man meditating on a rock under a waterfall. I approached him and asked him "Old man of the mountain, what is the secret to eternal life?" The old man did not answer. I stood confused and asked again. He did not answer.

    Eventually a monk walked by and asked what was wrong.

    "He will not tell me the secret to etenral life."

    "Really?" The monk asked in surprise. He walked forward and looked over the old man. "He's dead."

    For those of you who haven't seen this you have to: Leave Brittny Spears Alone (Some Language) This is funny and according to the creator he is completely serious.
     
  14. ValianceInEnd
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    ValianceInEnd Active Member

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    So a man decides to join a monastary to get in closer touch with God. When he arrives, he's told that he must remain under a vow of silence and may only speak 2 words every year. So after the first year he is given his 2 words to speak and says, "Bed hard."
    The next year, he is again given his two words and says "Food cold."
    On the third year, he is asked again and says, "I quit."
    The head monk looks at him and says, "It's about time! All you've done since you got here was whine and complain!"

    That's one of my favorites! ^-^
    LoH, your's is pretty good too.
     

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