1. GuardianWynn
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    GuardianWynn Contributing Member Contributor

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    Query Letter The Order

    Discussion in 'Query & Cover Letter Critique' started by GuardianWynn, Jan 24, 2016.

    Okay. I am probably going to suck at this. That is the main reason I decided to do it. To get a taste for what it should be like. Oh and PS. I fully admit I have never been able to think up a clever way to bring all three points of the story to the surface. So forgive the awkwardness of me trying.


    Edit to add. Huh. Didn't add one of her plot points. Almost doesn't seem needed. Everything seems to fit. Okay writing forums. DESTROY IT :D :D


    ***


    Have you ever wondered if maybe you are the bad guy? Such a thought has crossed the mind of Valorie (Last Name) every day for nearly a decade. Which may sound strange if you met her, on the surface she is a sweet, kind and polite girl that has in almost every respect lived a mundane life. Because she hides her darkness from the world, an unknown force within her that seems to be able to take physical control of her body when she is stressed.


    If that wasn't enough trouble for her, on the way home from the store she witnesses a murder that was committed to frame a local politician. Valorie is now his only hope of freedom, but this only serves to put on the radar of an entire network of terrorists.


    Can she survive the onslaught the terrorists have in store for her? Will she still be herself if she does? Join in on the thrilling action packed adventure as Valorie attempts to survive, and with any luck, she may just find out the secrets of her demon along the way.


    The Order is an 87,000 word Urban Fantasy Young Adult book. (Okay I have 0 ideas of what books it is similar too.)
     
  2. Raven484
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    Raven484 Contributing Member

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    Pretty good for your first try GW. Instead of saying "Join in on", you should maybe change to "Experience the thrilling action packed adventure, etc". Just sounds better to me.
     
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  3. Tenderiser
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    Tenderiser Not a man Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    I SUCK at queries. The ones that agents say are great I often find terrible, and vice versa. So all I'm going to comment on is two things that I've seen repeatedly from agents:
    - Don't ask rhetorical questions (Have you ever wondered if maybe you are the bad guy?) because it really annoys many of them.
    - Don't editorialise (thrilling action packed adventure). Just describe what happens, and let the agent decide whether it's thrilling, action-packed, etc.

    I also know that you don't have to compare your book to others, so if you can't think of any, it's not a problem.
     
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  4. Inks
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    Inks Contributing Member

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    "DESTROY IT" - Famous last words? You decide.

    I've never done any fiction pitchs, but Tenderiser is right. Commentary and trying to act like it is a direct sales pitch is not an author's concern. All that pitching stuff is something for marketing to handle when the publisher accepts it. The tone and manner you approach publishers is a big part of how papers stand out - being unique little snowflakes does not help for much. If anything, familiarity with the publisher, their product and target audience is ideal. Do not tell them what their own strong points are, but be familiar with their releases and authors so you can at least tailor your pitch.
     
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  5. Lifeline
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    Lifeline The Dark - not in Wonderland Supporter Contributor

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    I have to agree with @Inks and @Tenderiser . I have never done any queries yet (apart for my own which I have not posted obviously as the novel is not yet finished :D ), but if I would be an agent and someone would use sales-pitch ('Join in...') I would immediately be less inclined to look seriously at it. I admit that may be just my own distaste for any kind of advertisement, but I think agents get a lot of sales-pitch and would be tired of it.

    I am not a native speaker, but I think you mixed your tenses up a bit ('she hides..' and then in the next paragraph ..'wasn't enough trouble')
     
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  6. John Franklin Dandridge
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    John Franklin Dandridge Member

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    Look at you, writing query letters! Very nice! You've come a long way.
     
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