1. cian07

    cian07 New Member

    Jun 8, 2009
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    The Waiting Man

    Discussion in 'Plot Development' started by cian07, Jun 8, 2009.

    Hi all,

    Ive been pulling my hair our regarding a short story im trying to create, and need some opinions on whether it all gels together or not, so...

    The basic flow of the story is as follows; the protagonist, Jack, has been living in a city for three years, and met a girl 3 weeks after arriving. They have lived together for almost the entire time he has been in the country.
    He has just ended the relationship, and subsequently finds himself, alone, cast away from the surrogate family that took him in, the friends he has made were all belonging to the ex gf, so he is facing an icy new start which is not at all what he had imagined when he fantasized about the idea.
    He finds himself to a certain extend depressed with his new surroundings, and looses the will to engage himself in moving on.
    He finds comfort, in a small room leading off his bedroom where he sits at a window watching the busy city below (prostitutes, drunks, tramps, school kids, normal people). The window is like the portal in the story, and the first time he sits at it, he sees an old man, sitting alone in a house across the road, he is watching the world go by and the young man judges that by the look in his face he has suffered a huge loss. The old man is there every day without fail, and jack decides he is just waiting to die, and has lost love or family. He takes huge comfort from him and they sit there separately but together.
    The old man doesn’t know he is being watched like this.
    Meanwhile Jacks landlord is walking all over him coming in the house uninvited making outlandish demands etc, and the more Jack starts to recover, the more he starts to stand up to this man, and is closer an closer to being thrown out of the house, and loosing his window, this ends in a huge confrontation between the two.

    He falls for a french girl living in the house, they get closer and closer and eventually kiss, on the same night though he ends up extremely out of it and kisses her friend, and is seen doing so. She is hurt, and he apologizes, she wont take him back, He at least feels alive again and feels like the experience (plus the confrontation with the landlord) has helped him to recover.
    He has moved out of the house because of confrontation w landlord and is back to see the girl on the night he kisses her friend, but after the incident with the girl he is forced to spend the night sleeping in his old room (when he should have been staying in her room), which is empty, like he was.
    That night the waiting man, finally looks up and sees Jack and they look at each other for the first time, the man, raises his glass to Jack, and that is it.
    The next morning Jack wakes feeling like everything is where it should be and ready to move forward with his life, but sees an ambulance across the road. The old man had died in the night, but leaves Jack a note or a poem, unanswered question maybe?
    Jack sad, but moves on. The events have all organically drawn to a close, and he feels strength once more and a fresh start at a new place…

    Im just not sure if the plot has the potential to be engaging for the duration, and if the events are a little too weak to hold on to capture the readers imagination. I havnt told anyone about the idea, as its quite personal to me. Any feedback regarding the plot would be HIGHLY appreciated.

    Thanks for reading.

  2. MrJoey

    MrJoey Member

    Jun 7, 2009
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    Bristol, England
    I like it. I like the whole idea about him and the old man finally meeting eye to eye, then the next thing you know he's dead. I think that would spark alot of 'what if?' questions among the readers and among the main character I'm sure.

    Maybe even make the reader thing there is a bigger connection between the main character and the old man than what meets the eye. :)

    I like it, well done.
  3. Cogito

    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

    May 19, 2007
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    Massachusetts, USA
    A story concept means nothing. I can tell you now, it has been done before. What matters is how you write it, the characterization, the flow, the imagery, all of it.

    There's no point to asking what other people think of the concept! They'll either say,"Sounds great," or, "it sounds like a ripoff of..."

    If the idea stirs you, write it. Then ask people what they think of the final story. After they tell you what they don't like about it, revise it, usually several times, until you're happy with it or until you throw up your hands and say the hell with it.

    Please read this thread about What is Plot Creation and Development?

    (and yes, this is a template post, which should give you an idea of how often this comes up.)
  4. mammamaia

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

    Nov 21, 2006
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    Coquille, Oregon
    ditto that!

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