1. conn_smythe
    Offline

    conn_smythe New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2009
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0

    Thesis Development

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by conn_smythe, Jun 14, 2009.

    I'm currently writing a Critical Analytical Response for English and I need help developing my Thesis.

    The assignment:
    Consider how the idea of challenges has been reflected and developed in a literary text you have studied. Discuss the idea(s) that the author develops about Challenges.

    I'm using A Beautiful Mind as my text.
    So, as it stands this is my thesis:

    In A Beautiful Mind, Ron Howard demonstrates the ability of humans to overcome challenges when an individual responds to impediments in life, even when costs of achieving are great.

    Am I being too broad? If so, how can I fix that?

    Any help on how I can improve on this in general would be greatly appreciated.

    Thanks!
     
  2. arron89
    Offline

    arron89 Banned

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2008
    Messages:
    2,460
    Likes Received:
    91
    Location:
    Auckland
    Do you have to use that text? I just think it would be too difficult to write a critical analysis on it since its a (hugely altered, ridiculously inaccurate) non-fictional account of a real person's life. Otherwise, your general thesis is fine but that's not really the important bit. I mean it is, but the rest of your essay, where you prove your thesis, is what's important. Helping you improve on one sentence, out of context, is a little difficult.
     
  3. Rei
    Offline

    Rei Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2008
    Messages:
    7,869
    Likes Received:
    32
    Location:
    Kingston
    I don't think your thesis is too broad exactly, but the wording is a bit awkward. It could easily be five or six words shorter and say the exact same thing.
     
  4. conn_smythe
    Offline

    conn_smythe New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2009
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Actually, I'm writing a diploma exam tomorrow and I've been working on my ability to write effective thesis statements and topic sentances and then matching them with appropriate examples. I have a copy of what I've done if you believe that it would greater assist you in helping me improve my essay writing.

    For the essay, we wont know the actual question until the beginning of the exam. For our evidence, we can use any text our heart desires though they recommend only using texts we've studied. So the fact that it has been altered and is very inaccurate is not really a factor. I believe my teacher stated that if we do mention what happened in real life, you wont recieve a very good grade.
     
  5. conn_smythe
    Offline

    conn_smythe New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2009
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    How would you suggest that I fix this?
     
  6. arron89
    Offline

    arron89 Banned

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2008
    Messages:
    2,460
    Likes Received:
    91
    Location:
    Auckland
    That sucks. If i was writing an essay on it, the way and reasons it differs from the true story would probably constitute most of my essay. But then again, writing on film has never been my strength.

    As far as essay writing and topic sentences go, you need to be able to write a lot more concisely and accurately. Writing longer, more elegant and intelligent sentences is fine in coursework, but in an exam, you need to get your arguments down as fast as possible.

    In your example, that would be fine for your general thesis, but you would need probably 4-6 more specific topic statements/theses to create a logical, well-supported argument.

    But I know how you feel....I have an English exam at uni this afternoon....should really be studying.....but its pretty hard to study for english...you just have to know the texts and be able to write. At diploma level, I wouldn't be trying to conform to the topic statement-evidence-explanation format....its a bit basic, and can often hinder a complicated argument....just write well, so that it flows and is simple and easy to read, epecially if your argument is especially convoluted....
     
  7. ManhattanMss
    Offline

    ManhattanMss Contributing Member

    Joined:
    May 14, 2009
    Messages:
    626
    Likes Received:
    14
    I don't know if it matters to you or your teacher, but the "literary text" you're presumably drawing from, if I'm not mistaken was written by Sylvia Nasar. Ron Howard directed the movie version, no? I haven't read the book, myself, so I don't know how closely the movie parallels it. It's a great story, though, isn't it? And it does reflect a human challenge, though as I recall the movie, it was more those around Nash who contended with the challenges posed in their relationships with him, because of his difficulties. If that's so (and I might be remembering wrong), then I'm not sure your "thesis" is clear about that.
     
  8. conn_smythe
    Offline

    conn_smythe New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2009
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    A text in my case is anything, including films, which is the format I have chosen to base my essay on.
     
  9. mammamaia
    Offline

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2006
    Messages:
    19,316
    Likes Received:
    1,014
    Location:
    Coquille, Oregon
    do you have the actual screenplay?... the shooting script is available on amazon.com, if you don't...
     
  10. architectus
    Offline

    architectus Banned

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    1,796
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    Ca


    In A Beautiful Mind, Ron Howard demonstrates our ability to overcome challenges when we respond to impediments in life, even at great costs.

    I'm not sure if you're allowed to use "our" and "we."

    In A Beautiful Mind, Ron Howard demonstrates human's ability to over challanges when they respond to impediments in life, even if the costs are great.
     
  11. Cogito
    Offline

    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    May 19, 2007
    Messages:
    35,935
    Likes Received:
    2,043
    Location:
    Massachusetts, USA
    Be aware that the site rules prohibit anything more than very limited assistance on your topic. Your thesis is intended to reflect your individual effort, and that definitely includes your selection of the subject.
     

Share This Page