1. hollywood.dreams
    Offline

    hollywood.dreams New Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2009
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0

    This sentence.

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by hollywood.dreams, May 18, 2009.

    "Nick is always pressed against my back, and I can smell sweat and traces of smoke. Feel the hand that just last night was pulling a trigger, on my belly. Rubbing in slow circles."

    The bolded sentence - it doesn't seem to flow right. I feel like there's something wrong with it, but I'm not sure how to make it right. Suggestions?
     
  2. TheNewGuy
    Offline

    TheNewGuy Senior Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2009
    Messages:
    183
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    America
    How about adding "I can" before Feel?

    I understand the sentence-flow problem ;)
     
  3. hollywood.dreams
    Offline

    hollywood.dreams New Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2009
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    I always seem to leave out words, hahah. Thanks for pointing that out. :] But I have another question - is the comma okay? I feel like if I took it out, it would seem like he was pulling a trigger on her belly... which he isn't, hahah.
     
  4. TheNewGuy
    Offline

    TheNewGuy Senior Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2009
    Messages:
    183
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    America
    OKay, I have an alternative:

    I can feel the gentle hand that just last night was pulling a trigger rubbing slowly around my belly small in circles.
     
  5. hollywood.dreams
    Offline

    hollywood.dreams New Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2009
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    I can feel the hand that just last night was pulling a trigger rubbing in slow circles on my belly.

    Better? :]
     
  6. architectus
    Offline

    architectus Banned

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    1,796
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    Ca
    I don't really understand what pulling a trigger means in this context. Why not write curling his finger?

    Also remove is from the beginning "Nick is always..."
     
  7. hollywood.dreams
    Offline

    hollywood.dreams New Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2009
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    The "Nick is always.." is necessary for the sentence before it to work, hahah. And the "pulling a trigger" bit means that he was shooting someone.. So just "curling his finger" wouldn't really do the job.
     
  8. TheNewGuy
    Offline

    TheNewGuy Senior Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2009
    Messages:
    183
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    America
    Yes, I had guessed that you meant to imply that the hand that had committed violence last night was now touching her softly. Which is why I added "gently" in the sentence.

    Us newbies have to stick 2gether!
     
  9. JGraham
    Offline

    JGraham Senior Member

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2008
    Messages:
    118
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Formerly Michigan, Now Ohio
    I feel the hand swell with content that pulled the trigger just last night reach down, slowing rubbing circles on my belly.
     
  10. architectus
    Offline

    architectus Banned

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Messages:
    1,796
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    Ca
    Nevermind about the is. I didn't look at the first lines closely enough. You are writing in present tense for some reason.

    Even if he pulled a trigger on a gun earlier, it reads oddly to me.

    "Nick is always pressed against my back, and I can smell sweat and traces of smoke. Feel the hand that just last night was pulling a trigger, on my belly. Rubbing in slow circles."

    I can feel the hand (the one that pulled a trigger last night) on my belly, rubbing in slow circles.

    However, I would get rid of the filter word "feel."

    He rubs my belly in slow circles with the same hand that he used to fire a gun last night.

    He rubs my belly in slow circles with the same hand that pulled a trigger last night. << not as good IMO.
     
  11. nudgoo
    Offline

    nudgoo New Member

    Joined:
    May 4, 2009
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    "Nick is always pressed against my back, and I can smell sweat and traces of smoke. The hand that was just last night pulling a trigger now rubs my belly in slow circles."
     
  12. chirography
    Offline

    chirography Senior Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2009
    Messages:
    155
    Likes Received:
    0
    What about " I Feel the hand that just last night was pulling a trigger now rubb my stomache in slow circles ??
     
  13. seije
    Offline

    seije Member

    Joined:
    May 12, 2009
    Messages:
    77
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    the hand he had used to pull the trigger last night was now resting on my belly, rubbing it in small circles.
     
  14. bc1
    Offline

    bc1 New Member

    Joined:
    May 19, 2009
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Somewhere, NC
    Nick pressed up against my back, the smell of sweat and smoke filled the air. The hand that was now rubbing my belly is the hand that pulled the trigger last night.
    What about giving the previous sentence? Nick is always still doesn't seem right.
     

Share This Page