1. browneyes106
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    browneyes106 New Member

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    Thoughts on wedding party situation

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by browneyes106, Nov 22, 2008.

    I am really hurting right now. My brother is getting married to a woman with four children. There are two boys and two girls. Since they announced the engagement in December '07 me and my sister were hoping that I would get asked to be in the wedding party. My sister has been in wedding parties before and she said that it was ok if she wasn't in the wedding party for my brother. She was hoping that I would get asked because I have never been in a wedding party before. Just a couple of days ago I found that the woman's four children will be in the wedding and they will each have partnered with a niece or nephew from my brother's gf's side. I think it is really unfair to my side of the family that nobody is involved in the wedding party. I can understand the four children being in the wedding but I'm upset that two nieces and nephews of the woman are going to be in the wedding. I talked to my brother about this and he told me that his fiance and her family are very close and that they deserve more involvement in the wedding. Since they started planning the wedding my brother's fianee has excluded my family from a lot of things. She is having her sister-in-law make the cake and one of her aunts is going to be the wedding photographer. My family and relatives have offered to do things like making decorations, food etc and my brother and his fiance have told us no and that her family is going to be doing a lot of stuff. I'm really hurt with my brother. Please share any experiences or thoughts on this. I feel it isn't right that nobody from my family will be in the wedding party.
     
  2. TWErvin2
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    TWErvin2 Contributing Member Contributor

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    In the end, the day is about them (the couple) and not about your desire to be in a wedding party, or others in the family participating. While it may have been nice, if not family/politically correct, to involve your brother's side of the family more, it is the way it is.

    It may hint a little about how things may be in the future, but you may be surprised.

    Be happy for your brother and enjoy the event.

    Just my two cents.

    Terry
     
  3. Shadow Dragon
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    Shadow Dragon Contributing Member Contributor

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    I have to agree with TWErvin2. While you should express to your brother that you don't like the arrangment, there really isn't anything else you can do about it, short of not going.
     
  4. browneyes106
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    browneyes106 New Member

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    I have talked to my brother about it. It just hurts that he said that his fiance's family is very close and deserves more involvement. In a way it seems like his saying that our family is useless. His fiancee hasn't shown my family a lot of respect since they got engaged. She has avoided meeting a lot of my relatives and some of my relatives have offered to help with the wedding and they have been turned down. There are a lot of weird things about my brother's relationship with this woman. They have known each other for a few years. She lives about three hours away. We didn't meet her until March.
     
  5. Banzai
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    Banzai One-time Mod, but on the road to recovery Contributor

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    It's still their day. You'll probably have to bite the bullet and put up with it, or risk your relationship with your brother. But I agree with Terry, it probably does hint at the future of the relationship.
     
  6. NaCl
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    NaCl Contributing Member Contributor

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    Hmmm...a control freak and it sounds like your brother is "whipped". He should be looking out for his own family's feelings. Since he has chosen to let his future wife control everything, you should smile and be as positive as you can. It's just a matter of time until he includes you in his NEXT wedding! LOL
     
  7. The Freshmaker
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    The Freshmaker <insert obscure pop culture reference> Contributor

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    You know, she is a chick. She's probably been planning her wedding since she was eight years old. Let her have it how she wants.
     
  8. Shadow Dragon
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    Shadow Dragon Contributing Member Contributor

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    Just because she's a girl doesn't mean that he should let her walk all over him. Browneyes, you should ask your brother why they deserve it more. I agree with the others that when the day comes you should bite the bullet and just put up with their decisions, but until then, ask your brother to explain exactly why her family deserves it more. Though the likely answer is that she would throw a fit if he suggested anything other than what she has planned.
     
  9. browneyes106
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    browneyes106 New Member

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    She is a control freak. My parents and a lot of my relatives are pissed at my brother for not standing up for us. I'm starting to think that their marriage won't last. There are a lot of off things with his fiance. Her oldest two kids are 20 and 19. They share the same father and she was married to him. Her other two kids are 15 and 9 and they have different dads. In a way it seems like she doesn't have a good track record.
     
  10. browneyes106
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    browneyes106 New Member

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    I asked him and he said that her family is super close. He said that she talks to her siblings, relatives etc. on a daily basis. He also told my mom that she wasn't close with my sister who lives away from us. He told her that his fiance talks to her relatives daily and that my mom talks to my sister only twice a week. My mom and sister are close. But my sister works a busy job as a crime scene investigator and she also has a four year old son. My mom also asked me why he doesn't let our relatives help in the wedding and he said his fiance's relatives have already committed to helping. My brother is treating us like we are worthless.
     
  11. Shadow Dragon
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    Shadow Dragon Contributing Member Contributor

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    Honestly in your position I probably wouldn't even go to that wedding, though that would likely make things worse. I'm afraid that all you can do right now is be quiet about it and wait for this marriage to fall apart.
     
  12. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    I would suggest being there - for your brother. Maybe he'll ve a positive influence on her, maybe not. But he is YOUR family. Support him, be happy that he is happy, even if you can't help grinding your teeth to powder in her presence.
     
  13. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    fair or not, it's your brother's wedding, not yours... and till you get to that stage in life, you don't really have the moral right to make judgements...

    besides which, as far as you know, the bride could be just as upset about her family's demands for exclusive meddling as you are, but for the sake of her sanity and not totally ruining the most important day of her life, is just going along with it to keep the peace...

    you don't need to, or have the right to know what her reasons are... all you need to do and should do, if you are truly a loving sister, is to be happy for your brother and do all you can to make his 'best' day the happiest one of his life, and not spoil it with pouts and complaints...

    get it???
     
  14. Torana
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    Torana Contributing Member Contributor

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    I know it can hurt when you aren't involved with the most important day of your family members life. But just remember, it is their day and I am sure your brother doesn't mean to make you and your family feel useless in any way. He is just trying to make sure his partner has the day she dreamed of and that it is perfect in every way for her.

    Try not to be too hard on him. He is trying to make sure his partner is happy and at times, family will be hurt in the process, but he is trying to do what he thinks is right. JUst be there for him and be supportive. Maybe ask him for a minor part in the wedding. Even if it is only placing napkins on tables.

    I hope you sort things out!
     
  15. browneyes106
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    browneyes106 New Member

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    She isn't upset about her family meddling. She allows it and she feels that they have more of a right to be in the wedding.
     
  16. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    how do you know that?... you can't know what's really in her mind at all, can you?

    and you're still sounding hurt and spiteful, which will not bode well for your brother's big day... i should hope you'd love him enough to put your own wants aside for his sake...
     
  17. TWErvin2
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    TWErvin2 Contributing Member Contributor

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    What is the purpose of being in the wedding party, espeically a bride's maid? Someone who stands up for them, someone they know, and have known, who has supported them in times past and in the future?

    Or is it a rotational type thing where women in the families take turns, making sure everyone gets their chance to be a bride's maid, or even maid of honor?

    Browneyes106, certainly if/when your sister gets married, you'll have the chance to be up front and part of the 'honored' party, which seems to be the initial grudge being held.

    Either you will suck it up and support your brother, or you won't. Your choice, but that, in the end, says volumes about who you are.

    Just my opinion--which doesn't seem to agree with your line of thought. Family ties/politics/pecking order/alliances/grudges/support system--whatever you want to call it are often multi-layered and complicated--but much would be solved in most instances with a bit of caring, love and understanding--even if it sometimes goes only one direction.

    Terry
     
  18. ManicParroT
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    ManicParroT Contributing Member

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    His wedding is exactly that: His wedding. If you were getting married, I doubt you'd want him telling you what to do.

    Here's a thought: You seem very suspicious of his bride. Perhaps he senses this, and is becoming defensive.
     
  19. garmar69
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    garmar69 Contributing Member Contributor

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    You know, the wedding will last one day. But your relationship with your brother will be for a lifetime. You don't want the years of bad blood that would come from not showing up at the wedding because you didn't get what you wanted. Or if you act like sour grapes.

    Something similar happened to my wife at her sisters wedding. Her sister was the MOH at our wedding, but guess who got that honor when my SIL got married. It wasn't my wife. And you know what? My wife was poised about it, she asked if she could help with something else. She ended up decorating the hall and cooking for about 75 people; and she did it with a smile.

    I was pretty upset, because I could imagine how disappointed my wife was. But she never let on and when I asked her about it, she said it was her sisters day and her decision to decide how it went down.

    I really hope you make the right decision browneyes.
     
  20. Carmina
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    Carmina Contributing Member Contributor

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    I didn't have my husband's sister as a bridesmaid. I asked those I wanted to stand up with me. Mu husband wanted his sister to be a part of the wedding, so she was a "groomsman" and stood up with him. It worked. There were no hard feelings. No one is entitled to be a bridesmaid. If you and bride aren't close, she has no reason to ask you. If you want to be a part of the wedding, talk to your brother. There are other ways to be involved. You can do a reading, sing a song, be an usher. If the reason you want to be a bridesmaid is not because you want to help with theis special day but because you want to dress up in a hideous dres youw ill never wear again, get over it. There will be planty of time for pink chiffon in your future. This is your brother's day. Ask him how you can make it easier for him and his bride. Don't make a big deal out this. It is the last thing they need, and you won't come across well to your new sister-in-law.
     

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