I'm still editing my short story so I can be happy for it to be torn to pieces in the writing workshop! Anyway in this editing session I'm realising that a big problem I'm having is that there is a lot of dialogue as the majority of the story is told through dialogue. To counteract this I have tried adding actions and descriptions to the end, start or middle of every line of dialogue, which also reads stupid. Should I break up the dialogue with description blocks or leave lots of dialogue together? I really don't know...
Sounds to me like it's gone from one extreme to another. Why not try a happy medium and pepper action and description throughout dialogue exchanges, as well as a few longer paragraphs of non-dialogue? "Speech." "Reply." "Speech." Action, introspection or description. "Reply." A paragraph of action, introspection and/or description. Give the reader time to absorb the conversation along with the characters. Slow the pace a little, unless this is a scene that you want to be snappy. "Speech." "Reply." Action, introspection or description. etc...
In my short story Not Pink I included a fullblown new scene with the robot helping to entertain a party. I wasn't pleased with it – too much dialogue and unnecessary characters – but there was information that needed to be said. I rewrote it as the robot reflecting on his day as he watches a cat in a alley out the window. I managed to shrink three pages of dialogue and description into two tight paragraphs. And I felt it was one of my stronger moments in the story. If I feel a scene isn't working with lots of dialogue sometimes I switch it to – 'exposition.'
It is completely impossible for any of of to tell you what you should do without reading it. Sometimes it can work, sometimes not so much. If you feel like something is off, trust your writer gut and fix it.
