1. fisher521
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    fisher521 New Member

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    Triptych Memoir Help

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by fisher521, Sep 11, 2016.

    Hi WritingForums community, here is a triptych memoir for school that I am writing about water. Please read over it, and list some suggestions. My theme is Water.

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    As I walked out of the changing room with a life jacket and snorkeling mask during the hot winter day, the view of the clear turquoise water of the inlet and lush forest surrounded my vision. I was eager to get in the water of Xel-Ha, an aquatic park in Mexico!
    “C’mon, Dad!” I shout as I walked to the water’s edge. I could feel the coolness of the water as my flippered feet were submerged. When I was fully immersed under the water, I swam near the surface, admiring the many fish. The biodiversity was amazing. Later as I swam farther from land, I saw more and more fish, until they filled my vision with as many colors as the fireworks on the Fourth of July! There were pink, blue, green, yellow, all sorts of them. I had seen pictures of schools of fish, but swimming by them was a totally different experience.
    There are a lot of attractions at Xel-ha, but snorkeling around the inlet is probably the most eye opening. The wildlife I saw in the inlet made me admire the beauty of water, and realize that there was a whole world of life underwater.

    • I need to make this one longer and maybe have more dialogue.
    ***

    It was a hot summer day in Garland, Texas at the big neighborhood swimming pool. The scent of chlorine from the water could be smelled by the many people gathered there at the pool that day. A typical swim meet in the neighborhood of Spring Park.
    Most of the people had sat down on the grassy area next to the swimming pool, and pitched small tents for shade, but I was at the blocks! I was five years old, and this was my first race. It was a relay, and I was tense with excitement. However, I didn't know much about swim meets. In my head at the time, it was when the starting gun fired, jump in the pool and swim as fast as you could to the other side. So, when I heard the a bang of the starting gun, I immediately jumped in the water!
    The cold water surrounded me, and I swam as fast as my small arms and feet could propel me. When I took a breath, I heard many people talking at the same time. I passed someone going the opposite direction, and thought “Yes! I’m going to win!” I went to the surface to take another breath and this time I heard people laughing. However, I kept on swimming.
    When I got up at the end, I was feeling pretty proud of myself. I saw my coach walk over to me. “She probably is coming to congratulate me,” five year old me thought. However, she didn't seem pleased, but rather a bit amused. She led me back to the end of the pool that I started from. “You’re going to swim again,” she said. Many people watching were staring at me, and at that point I was very confused.
    However, I followed her back to the end where I started. In the lane that I swam in, another swimmer was swimming towards me. “When he touches the wall, you may go.” said my coach. This time, I waited until the the person touched the wall before jumping in.
    After finishing, I walked, dripping with water and bewildered, to my mom. I told her I was confused. “Honey, you’re supposed to wait for the first person to touch the wall before swimming in a relay,” she explained. “You were going to go second, but you went too early! That is why you swam again, it was because the person going fourth went second for you, and you swam again for the person that was supposed to swim fourth.” When I heard this, I was very embarrassed.

    • I need to make this one have a better ending and "So what" (the first one was how I experienced the diversity of nature in water, and the third one is how I experienced the power of water).

    ***

    As I walked down the mossy steps of the mountain path in my swimming trunks, the sound of a stream bubbling reached my ears. When I climbed farther down with my family, I could see the clear water of the stream flowing through the mountain next to the path. We were walking down Oxhead Mountain, a beautiful mountain in China.
    After walking for a bit more, I heard the rumbling of a waterfall. It was only five feet tall, but looked very beautiful as the water cascaded into a naturally formed pool of clear teal spring water. “Should I slide down it?” I wondered out loud. I loved sliding down small waterfalls.
    “Sure!” my mom replied.
    I went back to the waterfall, and waded to the edge of the pool above the waterfall. I hesitated. The waterfall wasn't really a huge waterfall, but when I was about to slide down it, my heart was racing. “C’mon, Fisher”, I thought. “This shouldn't be too scary.” I look at my parents and brother, who are standing on the other side. I look back over the edge.
    My eyes travel back to my parents. My mom was recording me.
    “Just do it,” I thought. At that moment, I made up my mind. I slid forward, and slide down the waterfall! It was very steep, but smooth. I feel my stomach drop as plunge into the basin.
    “The water in this natural pool is very deep”, I realized as I plummet deep underwater. “The waterfall must be very powerful to erode and such a deep pool.”
    When I finally came back up to the surface, I wanted to do it again, to experience the power and excitement of water!

    • I need to add more description and setting to this one.
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    Overall, I need to work on scene setting, dialogue, and grammar, but any help is appreciated.
     
  2. fisher521
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    fisher521 New Member

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    I just realized I shouldn't have posted this, and I need to give some comments to other people. Sorry!
     

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