1. Bjørnar Munkerud
    Offline

    Bjørnar Munkerud Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2012
    Messages:
    393
    Likes Received:
    140
    Location:
    Oslo, Norway

    Unflattering Job Descriptions

    Discussion in 'Writing Prompts' started by Bjørnar Munkerud, Feb 22, 2014.

    New York Times best selling author and all around awesome guy John Green once said the phrase "I make up metaphors for a living." This made me wonder what other sentences you could come up with to describe various occupations. I've decided to limit it to / focus on descriptions that reveal or give the impression of the jobs being easy, lazy, strange etc. The funnier, or more honest or ridiculous, the better. Let me explain further with some examples:

    Actor - My job is to pretend.
    Athlete - I do arbitrarily specified physical tasks of no direct value as best as I can in exchange for money.
    Author - I'm in charge of deciding the pattern in which symbols are imprinted on thin sheets of wood.
    Magician - I do things that give off the impression I didn't do them the way I did although we all know I didn't do it the way it looks like it was.
    Politician - I tell people what my opinions are to hopefully be able to act based on those opinions, like everyone does, expect my opinions affect more people and I've made a living out of it.
    Teacher - I learn things so that I can decide what others should learn and so they don't have to learn it by themselves, by telling them what they should learn and then make sure they learn it, regardless of whether or not they want to learn it or will have any use for the information I give them.
     
    jannert, Who and Lewdog like this.
  2. Garball
    Offline

    Garball Sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand. Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2013
    Messages:
    2,846
    Likes Received:
    1,332
    Location:
    S'port, LA
    Chef: I peddle a product that will eventually turn to shit
     
  3. Who
    Offline

    Who Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2012
    Messages:
    70
    Likes Received:
    52
    Location:
    Maine
    Garbage man: I collect garbage.
    Professional Wrestler: I run around in tights, pretending to fight other men in tights, and make silly faces when they pretend to hit me.
    Televangelist: I dance and sing and pray to the lord that you'll believe that I believe what you believe.
     
    Bjørnar Munkerud likes this.
  4. minstrel
    Offline

    minstrel Leader of the Insquirrelgency Staff Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2010
    Messages:
    8,725
    Likes Received:
    4,821
    Location:
    Near Los Angeles
    Brewer: I make a product that puts people to sleep.
    Pharmacist: I sell products that put people to sleep.
    Mattress maker: I make products on which people sleep.
    Boring art film producer: I produce products that put people to sleep.
    Boring art novelist: I write books that put people to sleep.
    Poet: I write verses that put people to sleep.
    Folksinger: I sing songs that put people to sleep.
    Anesthesiologist: I put people to sleep.
    Economics Professor: I put people to sleep.
    Ben Stein: I put people to sleep.
    Sandman: I put people to sleep.
    Edgar Cayce: I am asleep.
    Somnus: I am sleep.

    Rooster: I wake people up.

    Clearly, sleep is highly valued. Being awake isn't. Yawn.
     
  5. jannert
    Offline

    jannert Contributing Member Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2013
    Messages:
    7,812
    Likes Received:
    7,333
    Location:
    Scotland
    Well, you've started my waking day with a laugh.
     
    minstrel and Andrae Smith like this.
  6. Andrae Smith
    Offline

    Andrae Smith Gone exploring... in the inner realm... Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2012
    Messages:
    2,506
    Likes Received:
    1,404
    Location:
    Wandering
    Oh my, I completely forgot it's like 8:20 AM where you are huh? My day is really just ending, with it being almost 12:30. Time to sleep.

    @minstrel Sleeping is far more valuable than waking up, what other state is so freeing for the soul and imagination??? Sheesh, you'd think a writer would know this. :rolleyes: good call mentioning Edgar Cayce ha ha.

    Programmer: I spend numerous, senseless hours talking to machines in made up languages.
    Surgeon: You pay me to cut you up. ;)
    Writer: I repeatedly convince myself into thinking people care what I have to say.
    Janitor: I get paid to do what my did for free... (note: Mom's are no one's janitors or maids lol)
     
    jannert likes this.
  7. jannert
    Offline

    jannert Contributing Member Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2013
    Messages:
    7,812
    Likes Received:
    7,333
    Location:
    Scotland
    Actually, 7.33 am... 8-hour time difference between the UK and California!
     
  8. Andrae Smith
    Offline

    Andrae Smith Gone exploring... in the inner realm... Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2012
    Messages:
    2,506
    Likes Received:
    1,404
    Location:
    Wandering
    Ah, I was close!
     
  9. rodney adams
    Offline

    rodney adams Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2013
    Messages:
    67
    Likes Received:
    16
    Farmer: I plant seeds and throw crap all over them so you can eat what they grow into
     
    vera2014 and Bjørnar Munkerud like this.
  10. Lae
    Offline

    Lae Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2013
    Messages:
    508
    Likes Received:
    224
    Location:
    UK
    Unnecessary Security Guard: i do nothing but inconvenience you, i appear to do nothing and excel at looking busy. I am power.
     
    Cave Troll and Bjørnar Munkerud like this.
  11. Thomas Kitchen
    Offline

    Thomas Kitchen Proofreader in the Making Contributor

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2012
    Messages:
    1,258
    Likes Received:
    422
    Location:
    I'm Welsh - and proud!
    Car Salesman: I sell boxes of both attractive and unattractive metal which cause 1.27 million deaths each year.
     
    vera2014 likes this.
  12. GlPortal
    Offline

    GlPortal New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2014
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    3
    Programmer: I spend 12 hours a day replacing instructions written by another programmer that produce unintended behaviour with my own instructions which produce a different set of unintended behaviours.
     
  13. Lae
    Offline

    Lae Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2013
    Messages:
    508
    Likes Received:
    224
    Location:
    UK
    Cashier: I bleep my life away
     
  14. Cogito
    Offline

    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    May 19, 2007
    Messages:
    35,935
    Likes Received:
    2,043
    Location:
    Massachusetts, USA
    Contract killer: I put people to sleep. Pehmanently.
     
    Bjørnar Munkerud and minstrel like this.
  15. Jack Asher
    Offline

    Jack Asher Wildly experimental Contributor

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2013
    Messages:
    3,571
    Likes Received:
    2,053
    Location:
    Denver
    CGI Modeler: I make incredibly valuable things that don't exist.
     
  16. rodney adams
    Offline

    rodney adams Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2013
    Messages:
    67
    Likes Received:
    16
    CEO: I get paid inordinate amounts of money for work that other people do

    Theoretical Physics Professor: I tell you about ideas people have about the universe that may or may not be true. I also get paid to do it.
     
    Cave Troll likes this.
  17. vera2014
    Offline

    vera2014 Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2014
    Messages:
    213
    Likes Received:
    66
    Astronaut: I float around and stare at the stars. Thank you for your millions in tax dollars.
    Police officer: I am a connoisseur of fine donuts. That hole in the middle of them? That was my fine shooting.
    Hockey player: I strike fear into the hearts of all dentists.
    Dog walker: I get paid for going on healthy walks. Picking up all that poo really works the quads.
    Pest control: If the bed bugs don't sicken you our chemicals will.
     
  18. minstrel
    Offline

    minstrel Leader of the Insquirrelgency Staff Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2010
    Messages:
    8,725
    Likes Received:
    4,821
    Location:
    Near Los Angeles
    Wedding photographer: I take pictures of you and then sell them to, um, you. As if you don't know what you look like.

    Male porn star: You pay me to make you feel hopelessly sexually inadequate.

    Rock drummer: I hit things until your ears bleed. And you love it.
     
    Bjørnar Munkerud likes this.
  19. EdFromNY
    Offline

    EdFromNY Hope to improve with age Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2010
    Messages:
    4,684
    Likes Received:
    2,534
    Location:
    Queens, NY
    Politician: I lie.
     
    Bjørnar Munkerud likes this.
  20. Wowzie
    Offline

    Wowzie Member

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2014
    Messages:
    64
    Likes Received:
    18
    Location:
    Pittsburgh
    Prostitute : I make people feel ways for money.
    Artist : I make people feel ways for money, with more variety!
    Druggist : Wowzie! I make people feel in ways that it's normally impossible to feel! Weeeeeeeeeee!

    eeeeeeeeeeeee

    crash.
    Doctor : I advise life itself.
    Mime : I advise life itself.
     
    Bjørnar Munkerud likes this.
  21. Helianth
    Offline

    Helianth Member

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2014
    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    11
    Nurse: Your life is actually more in my hands than in the doctors' but that doesn't mean I get paid anywhere near as much as them.
    Housekeeper: I know all your little secrets, dirty and otherwise.
    Gardener: Your children stay with you for many years, but mine are only with me during the days of spring and summer.
     
    Cave Troll likes this.
  22. Cave Troll
    Offline

    Cave Troll Bite the bullet, do your own thing. Contributor

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2015
    Messages:
    3,807
    Likes Received:
    2,416
    Location:
    Where cushions are comfy, and straps hold firm.
    Dentist: I am legally allowed to torture you. Shove my fingers, pointy shit, and miniature power tools in your mouth and then ask you questions. And in the end I expect you to pay me a large sum of money for it.
     
    Bjørnar Munkerud likes this.
  23. Phens97
    Offline

    Phens97 Member

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2016
    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    7
    Truck driver: I drive to work so i can drive things to your work, then drive back to mine so i can drive back home and repeat the next day
    Banker: i charge you money to put your money in my safe and give it to other people in exchange for giving you back more of their money than i gave them of yours
    Barber: i cut the million of small horns growing from your head on a regular basis
    Taxi driver: i charge people to ride in my car and listen to terrible music while i drive them places
    Cowboy: i ride a large, quadrupedal herbivore around other large, quadrupedal herbivores to show keep an eye on those large, quadrupedal herbivores until i can sell them to buy more large quadrupedal herbivores.
     
    Cave Troll likes this.
  24. Cave Troll
    Offline

    Cave Troll Bite the bullet, do your own thing. Contributor

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2015
    Messages:
    3,807
    Likes Received:
    2,416
    Location:
    Where cushions are comfy, and straps hold firm.
    Writer: I bust my ass to try and entertain with my ability of words. Your pursuit of perfection on either side
    makes you look like an ass as you judge my talents (or lack there of). :p
     
  25. Lifeline
    Offline

    Lifeline The Dark - not in Wonderland Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2015
    Messages:
    1,407
    Likes Received:
    1,561
    Location:
    UK - the place betwixt and between
    Seismologist: No, we can't predict earthquakes. No, the number of earthquakes is not rising. Honestly people, go to a soothsayer! They are far better suited to give you answers in microseconds and millimeters. At least with them you know that they know that you know that they know nothing.
     

Share This Page