September 7th. I don't even realize what that means to me sometimes. I almost went all day without even thinking about it, but as of today it's been eight long years since my mom passed away. I was only 17 at the time. Everything then seemed so surreal. It seems like only yesterday, but so long ago at the same time. I think about her every single day. I try. I try very hard to think about her and not feel sad. But even picturing her smile brings an aching to my heart that reminds me of the deadened black spot inside me that will never heal. I love her so much, I don't even think I can express it in words. I can remember her laying in bed, and if I close my eyes, I can hear her call my name from her bedroom. She would ask me, with this puppy dog face and loving eyes, to please get her a glass of tea. She'd be in her robe, watching Stargate SG-1 or something like that on the TV. And never, not one single time, did I ever feel bothered. I would gladly lean in, give her a kiss, and get her whatever she needed. I miss that. I miss the way she smelled when I kissed her. I miss the way her fingers felt when she entwined them with mine. I miss the sound of her laugh. I think about this, and I can't help but let my memories drift to the hospital room, where I can see her laying in that plain white bed. Her face is swollen, her hair is nearly gone, and she barely even knows I'm there. She said she wasn't afraid of dying. Rather, she was only worried about whether her children would be alright. Most of the time I am. But right now I'm not. I hate this feeling. This empty feeling, knowing that no matter what, I will NEVER get to see that face again. I will NEVER get to hold her hand or bring her another glass of tea. I'll never get to wrap my arms around her while we watch Richard Dean Anderson fulfilling his duties yet again, hopping through that silly Stargate. This is the worst feeling in the world. I miss her so f***ing much. I would give my entire life, my whole world and existence, just to spend another five minutes with her. Tomorrow I will wake up and all of this feeling will be gone, but it will come back. It always comes back. So many things remind me of her. So many things bring the memories back. I don't even go to her grave anymore. It's too awkward. I'm talking to her, and she can't hear me. She's not there. She's nowhere. It's not fair. I want my mother back.
God... That sounds awful, and my thoughts are with you. I know that my condolences won't help at all, but you have them all the same. I'm 17 myself, and can't imagine going through what you have. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I'm sorry to learn about this. I won't sympathize with you, because there's no purpose behind that, but I'll let you know that you're not alone. My cousin's mother died when she was just 12. It wasn't only that - her father and brothers tortured her and forced her to stay back at home, preventing her from attending school. Her father remarried and abandoned her, leaving her at the mercy of her brothers. I believe anything is better than nothing, so don't feel bad. Things come and go, people live and die, and eventually, you and I and everyone here will become a part of this cycle. I could never imagine losing my mother anytime soon, being close to 17 years of age, but if I did lose her I would trust in what I have. I don't know if you believe in God or not but if you do then there's nothing to feel helpless about. Remember your mother, enjoy the pain with it and then move on to the next day. if you don't believe in god, no big, then you can always believe in yourself. Your mother wouldn't want you deprived of success and joy, so work for it. May your mother rest in peace.
I am so very sorry for your tragic loss. It is never easy when you lose a loved one and the pain never seems to leave. I know what it is like to sit and watch someone slowly fade away. I wake up to that every morning with my own mother who is dying and was given 5 years when my son was born and that was 3.5 years ago now. It destroys you inside. The one thing that is good is those memories that you hold in your heart of your mother. They are the one thing that no one can ever take away from you, treasure them always and never push them to the back of your mind and heart. I don't know what it is like to lose a parent, but I know what it is like to know you are losing one. My heart goes out to you that is for sure. I shed tears when I read this post. It must be so very hard for you. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like for you. But I am sure your mother is proud of you and watching down over you every day. You obviously had a very close relationship with your mother and that is so wonderful to hear. You are blessed to have been so close with her. I am so sorry that you had to go through something so hard at such a young age. Hold onto those wonderful memories of her though and don't ever let them go. My sincere condolences to you Torana
Thanks guys. Sorry for the depressing post. It hit me pretty hard last night, and I felt like putting it into words. Or at least trying. But, as you said, this is a new day, and the pain is gone for now. Thanks again for all your sincere words. I'm glad to be a part of this forum!
I understand, FT. I have lost people close to me too, although my mother is stuill alive and kicking butt at age 77. The grieving takes time, and even when it's mostly behind you, you can turn a corner to find it smack in your face. It's not something I often talk about, although I did let some of it bleed into one of my poems. It's good to cry, and to let the feelings spill.
i feel for you....i myself have lost family members and all these words seem to mean nothing. nothing i can ever say can ever change that. i know that hollow feeling you have inside... the words of comfort do nothing but rebound off that hollow spot were the loved one used to be. you should write a book or poem or a short story about her or your feelings for her or what she made you feel. let it all come out cry while doing it. read it with your family, know that they are going through similar things as you. you have my prayers.
What you've written about your mother is beautiful F.T and I seriously believe that she is still with you and always will be until you too pass into another life. Because really, the atoms and electricity that constitute her being still exist here on Earth, for always and forever.
