There are no valid rules for creative writers, we are told. I'm not so sure about that. Strikes me as the sort of arty-farty, laissez-faire nonsense a Frenchie might promulgate. So, some valid, iron-clad rules: 1) Do not write if you are in a coma. As a general rule the results will be unimpressive. 2) Do not choose a mode of life such that you are never able to get hold of implements that might be used for writing. 3) If your date of birth is the 16th April 1940, you were a middling junior athlete and your politics are a peculiar mix of the dumb and the obnoxious, do not write. No good will come of it. Avoiding tautologies where you can...do we have any more?
4) Never take cyanide. Writers find that such a high carbon intake can slow their writing and creativity.
5) If you're writing in the desert, find a new profession. An index finger and miles upon miles of sand isn't as good a writing platform as you'd think.
7) Do not attempt to think creatively when operating high-powered nuclear machinery. 8) Deprivation of sleep for several days at a time might lead you to some original and interesting depictions of real life, but is seldom good for your inter-personal relationships. 9) Deprivation of food and water for several days at a time is a strict no-no. Your writing is always better when you are physically able to move the pen.
11) Check first you have a brain. In case of emergency, you may borrow one. Attempt to write without one at your own peril.
If you write during work meetings, choose your topic carefully. Asking your subordinates what they think about your last piece of erotica literature is frowned upon.
14)Writing while intoxicated may be fun at the time and seem like a good idea...but we all know how that one ends..
(19) When trying to pick a group of villains from history to write for your historical fiction, please don't use the Nazis. They've been done to death and there are LOADS of other historical villains you can write about. :>
21) You must not, if you're writing a racy scene and your object is sexiness rather than comedy, and, unless the setting is a fire-station or a lapdancing club or somewhere in Poland, use the word 'pole'.
34) Thou shalt not abandon basic math skills. 37) Thou shalt not listen to your Magic 8 ball. !2) Thoü shält löve ümlauts and revëre them ät leäst once për mönth.
(40) If you're going to be a poet, don't go to war. I don't care how badly you want to go so you can write about your fellow soldiers fighting for the love of their country, glory, etc, you're a poet and if history has anything to say about it, you'll die. So DO NOT GO TO WAR!!!
(41) Just remember, if you tend to write while you are sleeping, your book will disappear when you wake up. So will any paychecks that you received while selling your work in your dreams. So, while writing asleep may be good exercise, I can't recommend it as more than a hobby. (That is to say, it will never be quite as lucrative as alternatives, such as writing while you eat, have sex, or while you drive--though those are more risky activities.) (This isn't so much a rule as a general guideline--I have seen so many writers fail because they forget this one simple fact.)
