1. Torrron
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    Torrron New Member

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    what do you think i should do with this?

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Torrron, Jan 2, 2007.

    when ifirst awoke i saw the plumes of smoke,then came the sent of decay on the air.The world had twisted itself so far out of shape to please its masters that it had finally broken.The evils that were brought about by mankind had finally spilled out ,and the poisons it was force fed for years brought forth the things that should not be.Hell was the fear of most mankind,but others knew of more.Places where creatures thrive on torture and pain as pleasure,never the less they all had names:confused:
     
  2. Crazy Ivan
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    Crazy Ivan Contributing Member

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    I assume we're supposed to get something from this?
     
  3. Robert
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    Robert Banned

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    Hi Torron,

    Welcome to WF. The piece you posted is really very short and seems incomplete. My advice would be to expand it into a fuller story, maybe a complete short story or a chapter for a longer piece, then popst again and seek feedback.

    Good luck with your writing.

    Cheers,
    Rob
     
  4. Torrron
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    Torrron New Member

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    thanks robert thats what i was looking for, not an asumption.
     
  5. Fantasy of You
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    Fantasy of You Banned

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    The content, besides from being grammatically deformed, is cliche. The 'mankind raped the world' has been done to death. And with something so small, it doesn't stand out. Where's the message I'm supposed to get from this? Turn off my telly at night isn't enough.

    I'd say expand it, but there's nothing to expand. There's only one idea in this flash, and it's too cliche to salvage, IMO.

    I think you should finish with it. It was an excersice. It flexed your muscles for writing, and it's done its job. Leave it behind you and move on to something more tangible.

    - FoY
     
  6. Gannon
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    Gannon Contributing Member Contributor

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    I think it is clich├ęd but worthy nonetheless. Continue, expand, see what you can come up with. You won't be the last to exploit this genre. I think also you've tried to hard. Let it flow a little more. Make it longer and I'll be happy to give you a larger critique.
     
  7. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    give it a decent proofread and make it readable... then come back and ask your question again...
     

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