I actually need a little advice about something. Y'all are generally older than me, so maybe your life experience will come in handy. 1) I don't know exactly why, but when I date for some reason I've always been put in the awkward feminine position. Like I guess because I tend to have more flamboyant mannerisms and I date a few years older ordinarily. But I don't really understand why society even has to do thin anymore. I always feel incredibly weird about a guy coming to my house any bringing me flowers or a stuffed animal when I don't have anything to give him and I sure as hell hate when guys insist that I let them pay for me. Like I can sort of see back in the day, when the world was more patriarchal and women were stay at home moms. But this is 2013, women work just as much as men, so as gender is more equal, why do people within gay relationships still follow the heterosexual normative. Like why does it always seem like one person is put in the more passive role in relationships? Do the people that pay feel like they are putting themselves in a more dominant role by paying? Or even more, do they think that their partner now owe them something? (So that was my first rant) 2) I have a really close friend named Tom, I've known him since February. We actually dated for a very brief time. I've been basically single since then and he's had a string of affairs and relationships that haven't ended well. And though out that I really think I have been a good friend to him, he even reminds me of it too. Even though we're the same age, he only after we dated started going through some of the things I did, so I was able to help him as much as I could. So, he kinda like always makes excuses to give me presents. Like one time I had swollen ankle, he game me a stuffed animal, candy, a magazine, and silly putty. Then last week, I mentioned how school was stressing me out, he gave me another stuffed animal and candy. I know they're not huge things but I just feel awkward accepting these things. After the ankle thing, he had a birthday, so I was able to get him stuff. But now I feel like every time I see him he'll try to give me something. And he admitted like a month ago that he still had feelings for me, but he was at a low point when he told e that. So what do I do. Keep accepting the gifts? Talk to him or something? I just don't understand how to go about doing this.
These things you have to decide for yourself. I quite like when a guy behaves like a gentleman on first few dates (it's a prerequisite for me to keep dating him) purely because a long string of hits and misses taught me that guys who don't do that, tend to be immature and disrespectful, or at least, not serious. Presents-wise, also normal in early stages of a relationship, but if they get repetitive, or too suffocating, I discuss the issue. Ask them why they feel the need to do it, and tell them why it's making me feel uncomfortable. The temptation always is to not rock the boat, but ultimately, there are hundreds of guys for each one that we are truly compatible with, so I need to discriminate if I don't want to waste time on relationships that won't go anywhere. So, that'd be my advice to you as well.
I would certainly talk to him about it and tell him you don't feel comfortable accepting all those gifts. I really do believe communication is important in any relationship. It can potentially prevent a ton of problems down the road. As for the paying thing, my understanding is that the person who pays for the first date is the person who asks the other person out. So since most of the time a man asks a woman out, the man pays. However, I'm sure some men like to pay even when the woman asks them out because they think paying is more masculine and shows that they're capable of providing for her. If you don't like someone paying for you, you could always offer to pay half the bill. Or maybe he pays one date and you pay the next.
I'm only going to address #1 here. I don't do questions like #2: The resolution in this is in your actions, not the actions of the prospective date. If you need the tone to be X, then you need to set it there. In the LGBT world, you will find that rolls and expectations are much more amorphous. We drag in what we are taught as children to apply to the straight relationships that we don't end up having. We rail against those expectations and swing wildly to the other extreme. We decide that even that reaction is one that has its genesis in the rolls we are taught, so we're still being controlled, so screw that. In the end, hopefully, you come to an understanding that as much as you are a part of a larger gestalt society and mind, you are also uniquely you. There has never been another like you and there will never again be. Decide what makes you happy and make it clear from the outset with others that these are the things that make your clockwork go 'round. But you have to be clear about it. Fairytales where Mr. Perfect just shows up and is utterly dreamy and perfect and fits you like a Lego fits another Lego are just that, fairytales. Jay Brannon has a song called Housewife. I've heard people love it and hate it because in the song he makes it clear that he would love to slip into a traditional housewife roll with his prospective Mr. Perfect, who has yet to show up. I love the song, but I also think that what Jay is saying through the lyrics is that it doesn't really matter if someone else loves it or hates it. It's not their business. It's his life and the relationship that he wants, and everyone else can take their opinion and shove it where the sun don't shine.
I'm just gonna throw in my quick 2 cents worth -- you are still young, and figuring things out. Once people get into their 30s and 40s, many of them look back on things they did and relationships they had in their 20s (especially early 20s) and wonder, WTF was I thinking/doing? It takes time to work though these sorts of things -- what you want out of a relationship, figuring out who you are and what you need, etc. I, personally, don't think that it is desirable for one person to be "passive," than the other, at least not in everything. Once, someone told me that the person with the power in the relationship is the person who cares least about it. I always found that kind of sad. Really both people should value the relationship more or less equally (although there will be some ebbs and flows over time.) But both people should grow and find happiness from the relationship itself. There will be some areas where each person will need to compromise on something (for example, one person's job requires them to move to a different area, so you both move. Or the person gives up their job/opportunity), but it shouldn't be because one person forced the decision, without regard to the other person's needs. Ideally decisions should be made together, to maximize mutual happiness. Take that FWIW. Just throwing it out there.
I've heard a variation on that very sentiment in the past. The one who can walk away is the one who has the power. And yes, that's a very sad and frankly wrong way to look at a relationship, IMO.
On the gifts, why not give him gifts too, to balance that out? Dating gifts don't have to be flowers and girly stuff. Depending on how much you want to spend and how casual you want the gift to feel, you could give him a CD, a DVD, a doughnut, a candy bar, a Pez dispenser, a baseball cap for his favorite team if he has a favorite team, a magazine, a watch, a tie clip, a book. The silly putty, for example, certainly a counts as a unisex gift. Now, you may just not be a gifty person, but I think that's a separate issue from girl versus guy behavior. As for who pays, you could, similarly, invite him, and pay when you do so. If the guy can't bear to have you pay, you could either figure out various ways to pre-pay, or you could consider whether you want to be with a guy who can't bear to ever let the world see a woman pay for him. (Ah. Apparently I was napping when I read the original post. Most of my advice still stands, and in fact since the 'see a woman pay for him' part is no longer relevant, I'd think it would be easier. In theory.)
Can I say, that I absolutely love this video? On top of people thinking that it's not okay for men to be housewives (which is rubbish), WOMEN are even looked down upon for wanting to be housewives. You know how many shitty looks and comments I get when I tell people that I want to be a housewife? They make the assumption that housewives are lazy and useless, and that without a job that earns money, you're worthless. Strangely enough, I get this more from women than I do men. It's not even the way I was raised, but it's the way that I want to be. This song actually punched me to my core (thankfully I have my Mr. Perfect though), so thank you for sharing it. And to answer the OP, I think dates make people nervous. I mean, why wouldn't they? So the person does what they think and what they've been told they should do. Paying for the meal, opening doors, etc. Perhaps it was the way they were raised or perhaps its what they feel like they should do. Either way, maybe it should be discussed BEFORE setting the date or even during the date. If you don't like gifts, that should be known by your hopeful-to-be partner, if it really bothers you that much. Though I'm not really sure why you feel like it's got to be an equal thing. I like giving people gifts, because I like making people happy. Normally, giving flowers is considered an opening gift. It's universal, as most people like flowers. I think it's a little weird that you get upset over people giving you presents. Do you not feel that you're worth it or that maybe you feel like they're trying to buy your love?
If I was gay, I'd bring Old Spice after shave to give the guy on the first date... No, I really have no idea what a guy would give another guy on a first date...a friendship bracelet? a tie clip? beef jerky? a Slim Jim?
sounds to me like your friend needs to feel like the 'guy' in the relationship and needs you to be the 'gal'... if it makes him happy and doesn't hurt you any, why not let him?... but if it really upsets you to not be treated as a 'guy' then you need to talk it over with him... just be aware that if he can't continue to feel like he's the 'male' half of your relationship, then you may be risking losing him as a friend... certainly, it shouldn't have to be that way, but people do have their preferences and his are just as important to him as yours are to you... unfortunately, our culture has inflicted that upon us and i don't see it ever changing, as long as humans remain a dual-gendered species... do you know of any happily-together gay couples where both partners are equally 'masculine'? love and hugs, maia
haha Tom sounds sweet! But then again, not everyone reacts to gift the same way. @Trish - we had a conversation not too long ago about this, and Trish said how it would make her feel like someone's trying to buy her (I've tagged her just in case I was wrong about what she said! She can correct me.) If you don't feel comfortable, then you should just talk to him. He sounds like he's really just trying to be nice, and possibly he still fancies you. Different people have different ways of showing love - perhaps his is giving gifts, or perhaps he just doesn't know how else to thank you. And different people perceive different things to be loving. For me, a hug means more than a gift. For my husband, a gift means absolutely nothing. But if I cook for him, he's ecstatic and thinks he's got the best wife in the world. And it helps when the partners understand just what it is the other needs to feel loved. Tom sounds like a close friend, so I don't see why you can't talk to him. Be honest with him. And it really sounds like you need to learn to be honest about this if you wanna have good relationships in the future anyway, because it sounds like it's something that really bugs you. Personally, my husband likes to pay for me. He doesn't like me to pay or give him money in public, because of his perception of the man being the breadwinner etc. He doesn't mind in private, and it's not a big deal - like at the restaurant if he happens to be out of cash or short, then I'll give him something right in front of the waitress, and it's fine. But I don't wait for him to ask in those situations, because I know it's more comfortable for him that way than if he had to ask. Luckily for me, I actually rather enjoy being paid for, even if it's my cash given to him for him to pay. It takes responsibility off of me, and I'm happy with it. But I don't mind it only because it's not an actual issue - it's not like he wouldn't accept money from me, or get mad when he's short on cash. It's not like he's a macho. So, since it's of little consequence, and it suits my preferences just fine, I let it be. And I loooove that song Wreybies!
