1. trimarine
    Offline

    trimarine Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2015
    Messages:
    29
    Likes Received:
    13
    Location:
    Bama...

    What happened before this dialogue?

    Discussion in 'Setting Development' started by trimarine, Apr 9, 2015.

    I want to do an experiment on how everyone's brain works. I have a bit of dialogue from something i'm writing, and i want to see what everybody else can pick up from it and can come up with themselves as to what the situation is. I will post what actually happened at a later time, but i want to see what other people can come up with.


    Dialogue.
    “-No! you dragged me out here because you did something stupid! I could have stayed with Jimmy and been perfectly fine. But no, you had to drag me out to the middle of nowhere, to some ran down farm town! We don’t even have money to stay at a hotel so now we have to stay in an old abandoned aircraft hangar! You are such an idiot!”

    “Max. I’m just trying to protect you. after mom died, your’e all i have left.”

    “Well congratulations, Alex, i’m protected!”
    End.
     
  2. A.M.P.
    Offline

    A.M.P. People Buy My Books for the Bio Photo Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2013
    Messages:
    2,024
    Likes Received:
    1,125
    Location:
    A Place with no History
    I'm guessing Max and Alex are either related as brother and sister or very close.
    Alex is protective of Max to a fault.
    Max might be with Jimmy and Alex doesn't approve because it means he isn't the only one for Max or he thinks Jimmy is trouble.

    Why else would anyone drag someone away to a random place to protect them?

    Also, potentially a zombie apocalypse.
     
    Ivana likes this.
  3. Jack Asher
    Offline

    Jack Asher Wildly experimental Contributor

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2013
    Messages:
    3,571
    Likes Received:
    2,053
    Location:
    Denver
    Max and Alex are twins from the same spawning pod, blasted into space in order to colonize earth with alien children (MOM or Modomolicular occilating Macrocraft is the pod). They have been traveling across the country in order to find the last human who knew of their extraterrestrial lineage and murder him in cold blood. With him gone they are protected.
     
    jannert, I Am Vague and trimarine like this.
  4. trimarine
    Offline

    trimarine Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2015
    Messages:
    29
    Likes Received:
    13
    Location:
    Bama...
    A key part to the whole situation is that Max said "You dragged me out here because you did something stupid!"
    Does that change what you think happened at all?

    Also, just me being self critical, i do see the lack of a capital letter in the original post. I'm just too lazy to fix it.

    Haaa...
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2015
  5. minstrel
    Offline

    minstrel Leader of the Insquirrelgency Staff Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2010
    Messages:
    8,723
    Likes Received:
    4,821
    Location:
    Near Los Angeles
    Alex is Max's older adoptive brother. When his mom adopted Max (as a baby) neither mom nor Alex knew Max's true nature: he's an alien, gradually morphing into a kind of walking plant monster! They're out at the hangar not because they don't have money, but because Alex realizes that Max is about to go through his final growth spurt into the Giant Walking Plant Monster! Only an aircraft hangar is big enough to hide him. Max himself has not yet realized his true nature - he just knows he has to groom himself every morning with pruning shears. He thinks all humans do that - he's never seen Alex simply get up in the morning and shower and shave.

    "It's okay, Max!" said Alex. "Just stay here in the hangar - do NOT go outside. I'm going into the town to get you some fertili- I mean, burgers and fries. I'll be back soon. But while I'm gone, stay inside! Don't go out in the sun! You might photosynthe- I mean, you might sunburn. Here's your pruning shears. Just hang out, put down roots, and whatever you do, don't leave!" Alex smacked himself in the forehead wondering if he could have phrased that last sentence a bit differently. "I had to say leave," he thought. "My brother's gonna hate me!"
     
    jannert, plothog and Jack Asher like this.
  6. Lance Schukies
    Offline

    Lance Schukies Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 1, 2015
    Messages:
    178
    Likes Received:
    39
    daemon likes this.
  7. Piankhy
    Offline

    Piankhy Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2011
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    4
    Someone is after Max and Alex is trying to protect him without filling him in on the real details. Just a wild guess though.
     
  8. Link the Writer
    Offline

    Link the Writer Flipping Out For A Good Story. Contributor

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2009
    Messages:
    11,208
    Likes Received:
    4,217
    Location:
    Alabama, USA
    They're two homeless orphans (I'm guessing brothers, and Alex is the older one). Max is likely going through the typical 'teenage rebellion' stage and is yelling at the closest thing he has to a guardian. Alex did something stupid, probably pissed off the wrong people and now they're fleeing for their lives. Max, understandably, has had enough with Alex's screw-up. Maybe Alex is the type who acts before he thinks and this time, he's landed them into some pretty big trouble.
     
  9. Wreybies
    Offline

    Wreybies The Ops Pops Operations Manager Staff Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    May 1, 2008
    Messages:
    18,837
    Likes Received:
    10,014
    Location:
    Puerto Rico
    *run down farm town. Run, not ran.
     
  10. RachHP
    Offline

    RachHP Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2015
    Messages:
    262
    Likes Received:
    158
    Location:
    England
    Max is Alex's ex girlfriend. Jimmy sounds like a drug dealer name, so I get the impression she's a bit loose and has been shacked up with him and his nefarious buddies for some time now.
    Alex seems more innocent/naive and is still in love with her even though she dumped him years ago (a bit like Forest Gump, so Max is his Jenny). He 'rescued' Max from a fight with Jimmy and got himself into danger, so Max is pissed off with him about it.
     
  11. Commandante Lemming
    Offline

    Commandante Lemming Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    May 8, 2014
    Messages:
    1,241
    Likes Received:
    1,000
    I haven't read other responses yet on purpose, but I have Max as a teenage girl believe it or not (you're names are both androgynous so I have it as a Maxine), Alex is her obsessive slightly older boyfriend (or worse, ex boyfreind) who basically kidnapped her because he thinks her older brother Jimmy is going to be an abusive head of the family after the death of their single mother. (I'm assuming this is going to end up in some sort of hostage sitation shootout with the State Partol)

    So - yeah - don't give me unattributed dialogue. It can go all sorts of weird places.
     
    jannert likes this.
  12. A.M.P.
    Offline

    A.M.P. People Buy My Books for the Bio Photo Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2013
    Messages:
    2,024
    Likes Received:
    1,125
    Location:
    A Place with no History
    I totally forgot about that line.
     
  13. edamame
    Offline

    edamame Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2013
    Messages:
    794
    Likes Received:
    385
    Alex is Max's older brother. After their mother died, they had only an abusive father left. Alex dropped out of school, left home but stayed in town. He found a job and is barely making a living, but Max remained with their father in order to try to finish his education. When his father is being particularly abusive, Max stays overnight with a shady character in town called Jimmy. Jimmy feels him up but hasn't gone "that far." One day, Alex visits his brother and finds his father really hurting his little brother. In anger, Alex ends up hurting his father. Their father ends up on the kitchen floor, so badly injured they think he might be dying. The brothers call 911 and flee.
     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2015
  14. trimarine
    Offline

    trimarine Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2015
    Messages:
    29
    Likes Received:
    13
    Location:
    Bama...
    Noted, but there's nothing i can do about it now.
     
  15. I Am Vague
    Offline

    I Am Vague Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2012
    Messages:
    113
    Likes Received:
    41
    Location:
    Altoona Pennsylvania
    Max was meant to stay with Jimmy, (some kind of godparent maybe?) but Alex didn't trust the guy, so he took him without notice, reason, or permission.

    Also, this is pretty blatant. Something just seems too direct about they way information is given. The way both their names are mentioned within a line of each other, the aircraft hangar, whoever Jimmy is. I'd aim for a more subtlety.
     
  16. trimarine
    Offline

    trimarine Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2015
    Messages:
    29
    Likes Received:
    13
    Location:
    Bama...
    I could, and i might.
    It's just copy paste dialogue from an unfinished first draft. Not all of it is set in stone.
    The thing about this scene is that it's from neither of their perspectives. There's someone (or something) watching them from behind a nearby plane.
     
  17. Lightfoot
    Offline

    Lightfoot New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1
    Here is what I think is going on...

    I believe Alex has killed his abusive father/stepfather in order to protect Max and to also prevent Max from going to live with Jimmy.

    Max, after his mother's death, had planned for a long time to run away and go live with Jimmy and to be free of abuse for good, but that doesn't sit well with Alex because not only will Alex be left there with him, he will also be alone, not wanting the only person he has left out of his life, he decides to murder his father/stepfather which results in the siblings running from the law.
     
  18. jannert
    Offline

    jannert Contributing Member Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2013
    Messages:
    7,778
    Likes Received:
    7,291
    Location:
    Scotland
    Okay, nobody has asked, so I'm asking. What's the point of this exercise?

    If this exchange comes in the middle of the story, we'll already know something about these characters, so we'll know what's going on (I hope.)

    If this is the start of your story ...ermm ... I reckon you're going to need a tad more than this to get the story off and running. Who are these people? There is nothing more off-putting than reading through a bunch of lines of unattributed dialogue, trying to guess what the heck is going on.

    You may feel that teasing the reader by withholding information will make them interested in your story, but it won't necessarily work. Intrigue them with the situation itself, rather than make them guess what it might be. The fact that these folks are living—or will soon be living—even that's not clear—in an abandoned airplane hanger could be interesting, but it would be more interesting if I knew who these people were, and what their relationship is. I would be very likely to put this down and walk away, if things weren't made clear very soon. Like immediately after this.

    By the way, you CAN easily correct your mistakes on a forum post. Just click 'edit' underneath your post, and make the corrections. It's easy to make a typo, but leaving typos in place is a bad habit, even in a forum post. Leaving a bunch of them is a big mistake.

    So far I've counted 6 exclamation marks, four small case letters that should be caps, one misplaced apostrophe (your'e instead of you're) one wrong phrase (ran down instead of run down), one comma splice, and a partridge in a pear tree. None of these mistakes are going to impress any reader—and seeing them all together in such a short piece really does leave a bad impression.

    Over-use of exclamation marks! just makes the writer! sound hysterical! As well as the person who is speaking! Okay, so an exclamation mark isn't technically a typo, but you might want to re-think your heavy use of them here. No more than two—or possibly three—in this exchange will do the trick. You really won't lose by it.

     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2015
    AlannaHart likes this.

Share This Page