1. psyence53
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    psyence53 Senior Member

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    What Now?

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by psyence53, May 25, 2009.

    Sorry to be depressing, but I can feel myself being slowly crushed, a bit like that advert about... a license or something, where the car is crushed up.

    In advance, this isn't just a... rant or release, I think I need some help or something - that's the problem i have no idea what i want.

    I feel mentally and emotionally unstable. I know i'm not the only one and I know there are people far worse off, but we each have our own problems that are ours alone. We don't have OTHER people's problems. In secondary/high school i ended up being later and later in the mornings until i was getting late stamps at least 4 times a week, but no one bothered to care anymore. I would storm through corridors at no provocation whatsoever. Ok, teenagers, yeah yeah we all know the story. Even now i see girls from that school and wonder if they were there when I was. Often i've seen people looking at me, and i can tell they know.

    In college I completely shut off. I refused to work in groups, I ignored or was rude to the people who MAY have actually cared, and who I cared about.

    At work, it's the same, only worse. I'm on a final warning and should have lost my job by now. The person who gave me chances again and again, I can't stand to be around. I get bothered and flustered because he knows more than i am comfortable with. The same happened at college. I can't stand to be around people.

    I joined Writing.com last year, but in the chatrooms, being around people, even on the damn Internet, I lost it. I offended people with my opinions unintentionally. Although the whole time i could see no one liked me or ever would. So I left that site, as useful as it was. Well, im still with them, but i cant go into chat and i deleted everything in my port.

    I deleted all my friends on facebook and deactivated my account because I was changing my status every few minutes. That's how my head gets.

    I've stopped talking to some people at work and i fckuing hate it when people try to make idle small talk, try to make me laugh, or ask those BLOODY ANNOYING questions: "how are you? are you all right? how was your weekend? did you do anything? are you doing anything?" i've been there six months and i know they know me better. Yet they keep driving the nails in deeper. I don't want to say another word to any of them but i know i will end up having to.

    I'm seeing a psychiatrist and stuff, and supposed to be starting an in-work one too. The latter i have changed my mind about but it's too late. And i need this job. I will not get another, it took me 2 and a half years to get this one, and only got it because someone dictated what to write on the application. I'm not fit to work with the public. But there's nothing else i can do.

    So far with the psychiatry, the impression he got of me was that i hadnt had a chance to find myself. Or something like that. Apparently i need to realise that no one DOESNT have strengths, and that i just need to realise that life is what we put into it. I know all that. That's why i thought i needed help, but when all you want is to not wake up, no matter how happy you are or if you achieve the impossible and get to meet one of the people who mean the most to you, i still just dont want to be here. Offer me everything i could ever want forever, no catch, on a plate to me, or a tablet that would just end everything on another, i'd take the pill.

    I know i sounds hopeless, and difficult, indeed I don't know what i;m asking for. I'm on another forum for support on a physical condition and already i can foresee i will leave that, against better judgement. I will probably leave these 2 amazing writing forums i have ONLY JUST found, but i'm not in control of myself.

    I'm writing this knowing if anyone does read it, they will just be like, ohh grow up. Etc blah blah blah. Maybe I WANT that. Maybe i want more people to turn against me. All i ever wanted was to fit in and TRY. Some things are out of my control and dictate some limitations in that already, but i've long accepted that that is not who i am. Wheni get to know someone, i begin to realise i dont want to know them, however awesome they are. I cant do the happy, thing, I HATE laughing. I love family guy though, which is odd. But i do contradict myself in many ways.

    As this is a writer's forum, with creative people, I guess i hope someone might have some wise words. If this is inappropriate, then delete the thread, and accept my apologies.

    I just feel, suffocated. I've been caught up in a story i'm beginning to develop, but what for?

    I can't end everything. There's nothing I can or want to do.
    So what now?
    I'm 18. Ok time's gone quick, and i'm still changing, but i dont want to get better. I dont want to be happy. Whatever happens, good or bad, or nothing, it's too much. I can't stand the thought of another 20, 30, 40, plus years, whatever it holds.

    Any ideas?
    Just slag me off if you want, i'd be greatful for anything.
    Sorry.
     
  2. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    I think that first off, you should take a copy of this post to your psychiatrist. He or she knows you far better than we do, and may be able to help.

    I will say that being happy and cracking a smile isn't really all that terrible, even if it seems like it's chewing your guts out from the inside to even contemplate it.

    There's probably not much worse than feeling the way you do right now. Give it a chance. And don't worry about 20-30 years. Just make today a little more tolerable, and let tomorrow take care of itself.
     
  3. psyence53
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    psyence53 Senior Member

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    Thanks cogito.
    I try to pass each day 2 hours at a time. That's usually my state of mind. 2 hours til break. 2 hours, 2 hours, until the days over, but there is always a tomorrow. Or a today even. The fact that there is a now, whatever i'm feeling, bothers me to stupid extents.
    But you're right about the long term i guess. I will just struggle with the now lol...
    Thanks again.
     
  4. Ashleigh
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    Ashleigh Contributing Member Contributor

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    I think alot of your problem sounds like you're taking things way too seriously. Honestly - you HATE laughing? It sounds like you're unconciously searching for aspects of just about everything in your life to get stressed about. You're obviously having a stressful time right now, and I know how you feel - I'm going through a bad time with stress myself. I guess us 18 year olds have struck lucky.
    Just try not to analyse everything that goes on in your life - If somebody asks how you are, take it as a compliment - even if they were pretending to have an interest, atleast somebody gave a damn enough about how you felt to give you the 'illusion' that they cared, right? But then would that not mean that in a roundabout way, they must have cared in the firsplace?

    Keep going to the therapy lessons and don't brush off people's suggestions - it's easy to become absorbed in depression and stress, and delving deeper into it is sometimes easier than working your way out. Sometimes, finding trouble becomes an easier escape - and yet you arent progressing, just going backwards.

    I might suggest aswell that if you're really stuck in a bad loop right now, take your problems OFF the internet - facebook, forums, whatever - get yourself sorted in the real world. It's all very easy to update statuses and seek acceptance and help from people on a forum, but ultimately, we do not know you - your life extends further than a computer. Try to solve your problems where they really matter - in the flesh. If you keep these things locked away on the internet, and only share it with people you cannot see, then you might find it becomes incredibly difficult to face them in real life - and again, the internet just becomes an easier option.

    Laughing, smiling, lightening up - it all helps make the day better. My advice is to stop focusing on keeping up the moody state you're in and just relax and allow yourself to come out of your shell and enjoy the little things. Right now, the little things are irritating you - maybe you're just bored and angsty. Do things that make you smile - you're a young girl, you deserve to be happy.

    Also, I'd just like to point out that people on forums arent any more genuine than those around you. Our replies could be no more genuine than those people that ask how you are, or make small talk - it's all just to make their day more interesting, make time go faster, and make things more comfortable. It's no different on here. However - same as in real life - we might just be replying to you, or giving you small talk, because we're genuinely interested and want to be friends and ask about your day.

    (wooow, I wrote alot more than the paragraph I originally aimed for. Hah.)

    I hope you feel better soon :)
     
  5. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    I will say this - feeling stuck in a repeating pattern / loop is nearly always a matter of perception. You perceive a pattern, and you make yourobservations fit it. In truth, there really is no looping. It's your mind constructing the pattern. but you do have the free will to make different decisions.
     
  6. bluebell80
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    bluebell80 Contributing Member

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    You should check out this website : http://www.choicetheory.com/ And see about getting the book, and some of the other books of Dr. Glasser's.

    I empathize with your emotional state. I had really, really, bad post partum depression with my second child. After I couldn't breast feed, I lost it. I felt like a failure as a mother, and it just spiraled out of control from there. My husband had to almost have me committed, because I was suicidal (though I wasn't in danger of harming the kids or not caring for them.)

    It took about two years until I started feeling remotely normal again. I started taking some classes at the college and really started studying psychology. I read a ton of books. Dr. Glasser's theory is the one that I agree with most.

    We choose how we feel. I do not believe that our brain chemicals are askew causing our emotional disstress, but that our emotional distress is causes the chemical imbalance. This is why psycho-pharmaceuticals don't really fix the problem, because the problem starts with how we think. Our thoughts induce an emotional reaction and manifests itself in physical ways. We "feel" tired. We don't "feel" like doing anything. We don't "feel" like laughing or smiling. This things then in turn create more thought processes evaluting our current physical and emotional state. This then turns into a very vicious cycle.

    The only way to break the cycle, the habit, is to consciously control your thoughts.

    We are thinking just about every second of the day. All this internal dialog has to have an impact on us, don't you think? When we are at work looking at customers thinking how much we hate this job, hate the customers shopping here, and want to go home...how do you think you will "Feel"? You'll feel like crap, you'll have a bad attitude to customers and co-wokers, and people won't like you. You then perceive their ambiguity towards you and feel more like an outcast causing you to hate your situation even more...and yet another vicious cycle.

    If we banish those thoughts, and replace them with thoughts that are less hostile, we will find that we can function in society a little better. IF we hone in our skill of putting on an act, the act can actually change our thought patterns.

    I started taking acting classes in my second year of college. After studying psychology I needed a break. But, I found psychology really came in handy when trying to create a character. It can be scary to try to think a mile in someone else's head.

    In my own psychological dysfunctions, I found acting happy, eventually made me happier. Surrendering the need to try and control things externally was difficult, but it was something that made my stress level much lower. I'm only responsible for me, and you are only responsible for you. You are in control of your own state of mind. The thoughts you are thinking are bringing you to that scary dark place, and it is your thoughts that can get you out.

    You need to relax. Watch a funny movie, read a light comedy book, listen to some comedians, do anything to get yourself to laugh. Laughter is the best medicine for what ails us. It releases the feel good endorphins, and gives us a better outlook on life.

    I try to laugh so hard I almost pee at least once a day, preferably more.

    I like to think this happy little thought when I start feeling overwhelmed in life: "When zombies attack am I going to just stand there and let them eat me? Or am I going to try to survive?" This usually makes me giggle a little at the thought of zombies, but I realize that no matter what is thrown at me in life, I will always want to survive.
     
  7. LordKyleOfEarth
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    LordKyleOfEarth Contributing Member Contributor

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    Not true. I used to believe that as well, but have learned that its simply incorrect. You are the only one in control of you and your situation. Laws, rules, 'situations' only apply if you agree to allow them to limit you. Ignore them and take control.

    Thats the problem right there. If you don't want to get better, what do you want? What are you asking us for?

    Protip: I think you want to get better, but are afraid of losing the warm fuzziness of your current mood. (I know this from having been there)
     
  8. Torana
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    Torana Contributing Member Contributor

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    I kind of have an understanding about the above two paragraphs. 3 years ago I shut the world out of my life, even my family and my own children. I got to the point where friends would come to visit and I'd get so aggravated and just want them to bugger off. I hated smiling and laughing and even talking to anyone. I just wanted to 'not exist' basically. It was impossible to do, but I wasn't going to give up trying.

    I didn't want to feel better, I didn't want to get better, I was content with the way I was feeling and the way I had become. A hollowed out shell, nothing more. I may as well have been in a coma the way I was. For an entire week I hadn't even been outside once during the day because I didn't want to see the beauty of the sun, or feel its warmth.

    Took me a long time to want to get better and to bring myself out of this madness and nightmare I had placed myself into. I know how hard it is to climb out of the hole and stay out, but when the time is right and you are ready, you will climb out of that hole and find yourself on a whole new path. I did, and I was slowly burying myself before I accepted a little help and decided to try to climb out.
     
  9. The Freshmaker
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    The Freshmaker <insert obscure pop culture reference> Contributor

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    I also want to point out that eighteen is a tough age. You're technically an adult, but still technically a teenager. You feel like you haven't found your place in the world yet, and maybe you feel like it's too late to do things that you wish you'd done as a kid. Or maybe I'm totally off base with that. But I have known a lot of people who started feeling that way during their eighteenth year.

    Honestly, the best advice I can give is to fake it 'til you feel it. Fake confidence, fake an interest in your colleagues' boring lives, fake laughter or happiness or compassion. And at some point, you'll find that you actually are feeling these things. It's really difficult at first, but it gets easier once you get the hang of it.

    If you feel like you want to break out of a cycle you've gotten into (which, as Cogito said, may only exist in your head), well then, it's quite simple. F*** it. F*** everything. It already seems like you don't have much tethering you to the life you have now, so you have nothing to lose. Take what you can carry and go on the road for a few months until you find what you're looking for. If nothing else, it would make a good story. And you might find that whatever it was you wanted was something you had in the first place.
     
  10. psyence53
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    psyence53 Senior Member

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    Thanks all for taking the time to read and respond.

    Ashleigh - That is one of my many contradictions. I take things far too seriously, and at the same time not seriously enough. Which is why i come close to or do lose things which are important. I laugh at family guy, but when its over, its like i never laughed at all. I used to laugh so much, but i hate the sound of my voice and smiling got far too frequent and uncomfortable. I will continue with therapy. Apparently i need to "find myself" lol how cliche. But as it's free i may as well. Something to do. And it is easier to delve into it, but it's not. Nothing is easy. People look at me like, why cant she make such a simple decision, or whatever. But it;s not that easy. I'mnot in control. That's what ive been doing for years. I left myspace, rejoined, now i just dont use it. I left facebook months ago. I leave forums, and i know im going to leave these soon. I run away. But i wont just shut off from the internet. I trust people in my life, at work, and it backfires on me and makes things worse. Always. I never learn. NEVER. It;s too late with some, but i;m not falling for it again. That sounds normal, but it makes my day worse. I know im difficult but thats partly why i feel insane. Moody is a problem. i want to be just low. Thats when im more comfortable and ME. When im low, i dont laugh, but can manage a fake weak smile and forget it, when i forget everything and when the day just disappears wihtin intself. I had a few days like that and imiss them. I don;t deserve to be happy, nor do i want to. I want to be ME. I want to be low and stable. Haha i know. People online judge me and hate me as much as those around me, and its often ends up mutual. Its just better online becuse its not face to face. Thanks, and good luck with the stress too.

    Cogito - i wish i did have the free will. There's a sign at work saying "choose your attitude." I thoguht it would be easy but it's not. I dont seem to have any control over myself. there are too many conflicting "me's." I agree that it's mind perception. I cannot say my life is bad. Not at the moment anyway, its on an off, but i would be the first to agree its all in my head.

    bluebell - I will check out that link. I feel i agree with the choice thing. But again, that is one of my problems. I either cannot make choices, or the choices i make arent my own (as in, one of the different ocnflicts inside me chooses against the will of the others). This is something i need help with, clearly, and something to discuss at therapy i guess. If only i could choose not to get agitated, not to do things i dont want to, not to let other people bother me. I dont have to laugh - humans do all they can to get what they want, what makes them comfortable. I gueess i just like being grey. There was a time where i could put on a near genuine smile, help the customers and stay calm even with the rude ones, find it amusing even, then as soon as they left, i could get back to what i was doing and instantly forget who or what i just did. I would not remember what i did in the morning and before i knew it, it would be the end of the day - a couple days later! It was wonderful, but i didn't have to laugh at anyone. It was comfotable and it was me. i think. I'd lvoe to be able to control my thoughts. I will defintely ask about this at psychiatry etc. Thank you for bringing this up, it's really helpful. I found acting happy, despite thinking it would be easy and make me believe i was, only made things worse. I do do that, i bought box sets of family guy and watch and enjoy them endlessly but... its SO temporary. i can laugh when people make fun of issues i suffer from and hurt from, becuase ive made peace with them. Its the feeling of losing my mind that bothers me most. Being aware of it. One of the me's thinks im making it all up, but the other me;s cant understand why i would put myself through this. Reading these, i at least now know HOW i want to be, as i've been there. It;s just the next, harder step, in managing to consciously achieve and maintain that. I need to kill the many me's inside me first. Everything else is dying. I will still want to not wake up, even when and if i do sort things out, but things would be a lot easier (and qiucker) while i wait, if i was STABLE. I have something that makes me, not happy, but my comfortable level close to it. I met someone "special" and have put up pictures of the day, and other pictures of them by my bed. Last thing i see and first thing i see. And frequently during the day. I have a little picture that naturally makes me smile. you know those infectious smiles some people have? I'm almost smiling now ^-^ But somehow everyting, good or bad, hurts me and kills another little piece of me. I do cling and, arguably obsess over the things i do love. I spend hundreds (hence have no savings whatsoever) to cherish these things, as much as i spend most of my time feeling crap. Both seem bad for me, or maybe as someone who doesnt want to live, thats what i naturally make up for myself. If i didnt want something to keep me going while i wait to the end, i wouldnt have shivered and suffered a rambling drunk man, spent over £100 quid and endured much hated coach sickness just for a couple of hours of something that actually meant LESS before it all happened. But that's just part of me. Another part resents it all. That's great that you want to survive. It;s great that people can be ignorant to life's natural problems and make the most of the time here. All i want is my time, however long it may have to be, to bearable. And pass the time as quick as possible. As long as i feel like my mind is imploding, qiuckly, time is going incredibly slowly.

    LordKyle - i can see that isn't helpful, not wanting to get better. But already, having thought about other people's words, i can answe that question. I want to be in control of myself.

    Torana - hollowed out shell.. yes... though i;m glad you have climbed out. But i agree with the time being right. I know it will take some time. Lord knows there is too much of the stuff (in my eyes) but also not enough. I don't want to climb to the top. I want to climb onto that smooth, beautiful level that i have seen and fell from, roughly.

    Freshmaker - I refuse to resort to meds until i'm at least 21. I'm going for the therapy route because i know i;'m still changing and growing. Plus im on other high dose meds but that doesnt matter i guess. There are a lot of troubled teens, it's getting more and more common these days. But there are also the ones that are so sure of themselves. I'd like that. not to be like them, drinking, sleeping around and going out, just to be sure of myself. I tried the fake it thing. Couple months into work, i slipped, but my managed told me to bite hard and just swallow everything. This i did for another couple of months but proved a bad mistake. I'm glad i have a bit more confidence than i used to at least. Only because i've lost it and broken down so much in public lol. At the moment i'm trying to focus on what im doing, passing the two hours, but i can walk in thinking, ok, today will be fine. And before i know it im fuming/crying/bleeding. I am edging towards the f*** everything thing. Especially people. Thats the feeling i had when i could blot everything out. Because thats generally what i think of the world. **** off and let me be. I guess it will be a long way back to that place, because i've broken and broken alot on the way down.

    Thank you all. I have probably thrown most of your words back at you, but I do appreciate them because now i know what to aim for. Cheers.
     
  11. Mercurial
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    Mercurial Contributing Member Contributor

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    LISTEN TO THIS MAN. He knows what he's talking about.

    As for my own advice, I can only reiterate what Cogito said, however, I dont know if he's ever been where you are. A little younger than you are, but I've been there too.

    I agree with LordKyle. Even if you tell yourself "I dont want to get better," I have to think that you do. You're seeing a psychiatrist, and I dont believe you have to (unless court mandated) now that you're 18. You're reaching out to us here, and you certainly dont have to.
    I dont wanna put words in your mouth, but the sentiment is the same; people who talk about ending their lives are usually the ones who really dont want to --they want someone to help them. So you talk about hating life and being depressed, but you really dont want to. Once you can admit that, you can make further progress.

    Another proactive thing you can do is ask yourself: Is your psychiatrist helping you? If the answer is no, ask who is at fault, you --for resisting help-- or him --for being an unhelpful slob--? The reason I ask this is because if you are going to have two psychiatrists, I can only assume that the first one is not doing his job very well.

    I do have to say this, though, and I dont agree with Freshmaker. Yeah, eighteen is a tough age. But so is fourteen. And so is forty. And so is eighty. Each age has its own trials and triumphs, but if you're getting caught up in the trials, then you'll never get anywhere. Pysence, you know that.

    I know it's really hard to understand sometimes, but this is what you have to understand: People have been there. They will not be surprised, although disheartened, by how you feel. It's not 'normal,' but in this day and age, hardly anyone is. Do not feel like you have to hide this. Am I saying complain about your day to the cashier? No, but I am saying that if you need help, while we appreciate that you ask us, it's more important that you talk to someone who can actually help you if you need it.
    Words can only do so much sometimes.

    Torana said so, Kyle and Cogito speak as if they come from experience, and now I will too. I have been at every stage an unbalanced person can be at. I dont want to go into specifics; it was a hard time, but I can say that if you need help, you've got to ask.

    Medication can help.
    Therapy can help.
    If you need to be hospitalized, you will be.
    But you have to know that recovery starts with you. If you dont wanna help yourself, if you wanna set your life on a "Every day is one day less" mentality, go ahead. But you know that you'll be missing out on so much.

    Again, I stress that you talk to someone in person, get a new psychiatrist if he's not doing his job well enough, but I, as well as everyone in this forum, will extend a shoulder to cry on and an ear to speak to if need be.

    I hope you feel better. :love:
     
  12. Ashleigh
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    Ashleigh Contributing Member Contributor

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    It seems like you've adopted this whole lifestyle as actualling being your identity...deep down, you must know that can't be true. This is something you're struggling with, but the real you is still there, she's just lost right now. I dont think you should accept that depression is 'a part of you' and that it can't go away - the whole wanting to feel low thing is more than likely just a comfort thing. I did the same things as you once - I shut myself off from the people that liked me and created a persona that seemed to fit the bill for the feelings I had - or lack of them. It took me a long time to realise that I didn't want to be that person, not really. It's just I'd lost so much confidence in the world and myself that I was too scared to behave any other way. From the sounds of things, that's how you're dealing with it now. Looking back, I can't stand the person I became and I'm so much happier now that I've learned to let go and let myself come through. It wasn't always easy, and I went through alot of crap before I realised the important things: The only person that can change things is me. You have to come to the realisation that you ARE in control, you've just gotten a bit lost is all. It takes courage and willpower to claw your way out, but it can be done, you just need to focus on your goals and don't let depression beat you.

    I hope this helps in some way. Please don't think that people don't understand, or that people are just giving cliche answers that should be disregarded. Life really is better once you get yourself out of the dark.

    Lots of luck for the future and I hope to see you around the forum :)

    Ash x
     
  13. psyence53
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    psyence53 Senior Member

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    Ashleigh - I spent so many years (what teenager doesn't?) trying to fit in and be normal. Trying to find the right path for me. I eventually realised that being a quiet individual is more me. I'm not sociable. I don't drink, I don't like idle conversation. I prefer in depth discussions on MSN to be fair. I don't see why I should live up to being what you people call "happy" any more than i should believe in "love" or a "God." I'm not rejecting, I'm merely explaining what I feel i have discovered. It is one of the few things I feel I can accept, and when I realised this, I actually felt almost there. For the first time. Time enjoyed wasting was not wasted, or something. The only thing keeping me at work is the money that funds gigs. Without that, i wouldnt recently have seen and met a certain band, and that alone, surprisingly, gave me the first time ever feeling remotely glad to be alive. I guess i live for that, which is fine by me, it gives me something to see the immediate year through for. I don't talk about killing myself, that is not in me. I would always choose to simply not wake up. Good mood or not. I now have one thing to make my life so far worthwhile, but there will always be chance for more. It's just my personal preference. Just as some people try to do something new everyday, or are scared of dying and pretend it doesn't exist. I don't necessarily think depression is a part of me. I just like the lows. The... stable, consistent periods of drifting, feeling calm, nonchalant and peaceful. I dont like extremes. i dont like the wrenching need to cry, nor the anger, not the inability to do anything, but i like being alone with my music and one friend. I agree that the real me is lost. Thats what i've been recommended for, therapy to find who i am. I just read the link posted on this thread, and i agree completely. Only, i need to LEARN to be in control. I am lost and need to find my way. I'm glad this thread has given me a goal, that alone I never thought i could achieve. I find more support and strength in strangers that i know will enter and leave my life without knowing them. Well... some people give cliches, and some people don't undestand, but they are the one's who havent experienced anything. Anyone who has experienced anythig along the lines of depression, loss, etc will understand and be able to advise, even if they dont know exactly. So i've been told anyway. I am only 18, it's just a matter of choosing to get out or not. I know where i will be comfortable and it's not here. Things take tiny steps, and i suppose at least i've taken the first step. Now to the next one. Thank you, you too :)

    Mercurial - Definitely. Life is tough. It's just how people cope and react to it. Which i'm not doing too well at just yet. I want to get BETTER, i just dont want to be one ofthose careless happy people that thinks everythings great haha. That's not me. I want to be able to enjoy the things i love more, without the constant eating away that currently goes on. I can tell you, the stuff i love, I ****ing LOVE. All the hate and resentment and loss of interest in life etc seems to have re-manifested itself in certain music and certain people. It's what i'm most greatful for. From my first session with the psychiatrist, i believe he is/will be a great help. He mostly got the gist of things and relayed things back to me that didnt occur to me. Not predominantly at least. I'm seeing a nurse who assessed me, and a psychiatrist, and also will be referred to therapy. The first time i went through this was through a child mental health place and that was just awful. I like my every day is one less mentality, thanks very much haha. It doesnt mean i have to miss out on the things i want. I have two tickets to see Depeche Mode on consecutive nights this December. So that gets me though another year AND gives me something else to treasure til the end. The more i see the people who mean something to me, the less i care how soon or late i die. I will never take my life (alas) so instead i put all my (literal) bloody money into seizing these things. I do realise it starts with me. This is why i have decided to do the therapy to find myself and my problems, as well as continuing to see who im seeing. Then i consider other methods direct to the problem, then, when i;m a few years older, if it's still necessary, meds. But i believe (omg, that must be something...) that things will improve before that is needed. But one step at a time. I need to make the day bearable first and foremost. But that is a lot harder until i learn to be in control of myself. That is my next step. Thank you for your words and support. I do feel the people i am seeing now are the right people to talk to in person, plus that is their job, so i feel more comfortable. I made the mistake of trusting someone at work, now it makes the job harder. It stays where it belongs from now.
     
  14. Mercurial
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    Mercurial Contributing Member Contributor

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    I only worry that your looking forward to see Depeche Mode or looking forward to whatever else might not be enough. I suppose it's subjective, but I believe this is a generally acceptated statement: You should get up in the morning because you 'get' to, not because you 'have' to, you know? I just worry that looking forward to something --well, what happens when you run out of things to look forward to? Which is why changing that negative mentality --practically looking forward to death, is what I'm hearing, by the way-- is so important. I hope that you want to be happy --if you dont, then what am I doing here and what are you doing asking for help?-- and if you do, that negative mindset needs to change.

    Which is why I'm glad you're seeing a professional; I made the mistake of assuming you had been seeing your psychiatrist for a while now, but I now I get the gist that you're just starting with him. In that case, it's likely that you'll be able to get all the help you need. I wish you the best of luck (again) and of course if there's anything I can do for you, just drop a line. :)
     
  15. psyence53
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    psyence53 Senior Member

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    Yeah, I see your point. But everyone has their preferences and opinions. I don't see life as a privilige, but as a fact of life (lol!). It's there for us to make what we will of it. I guess I just don't want it to rule me. Or defeat me. I want to twist IT into what I want. I don't have to be a life-liver as well. Life beater haha. Ha. Since seeing these people, I have already finally, after 13 years, accepted that at 5 years old i could not have been to blame for anything that went on between my mother an I. That something I never thought i could get my head round. But yeah, it's early stages. And i'm young. I think I will learn more about myself and the world in the coming years/sessions and hopefully before too long things will at last get easier.

    Thanks again, i appreciate such honest words :)
     
  16. Torana
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    Torana Contributing Member Contributor

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    I was in this state when I fell into the pit and began burying myself. It is very hard to change this min set and will take you some time. It is possible though and I am sure that you will get there when you are ready to.

    This is the second step to recovery. The first, is knowing, and admitting that you have a problem. Which you have done. The next step is wanting to get better in some way. Two very hard steps and you have managed to take both. That is a major achievement in itself. Well done!

    I didn't want to climb to the top either. I found a nice safe level to hand about on for a good few months. Heck, I stayed there for almost 2 years. Was my current partner that helped me get to the next level and actually stick my head out of the hole and eventually, climb out. Now I am out and have been for a few months, I've been burnt really badly and watn to jump back in that hole again. But I'm working my hardest not to. I feel it slowly happening though.

    So just remember, at your own pace, in your own time, begin the climb to where you feel safe. Stay there a while and then you may find you can go higher till you are peeking out, then taking a walk, just like I have done. You will get knocked back down again, time and time again, but you will have gained so much strength from the first time you began the climb that it won't be as hard to do again.

    You are a strong person from what I can gather and I don't think you realise just how strong you are. I hope that you find your comfort level a little closer to the top of that hole in time. :)

    It is normal to throw words back at people in this mind set. But the fact that you have read what everyone has said to you in their replies to your thread is a good thing. Glad to hear that you now know what to aim for. Best of luck with attaining that. :)
     
  17. Okie
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    Okie Member

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    Hey psy, what's happening.

    I've been following this thread, but I didn't post anything. Pretty much anytime I was going to chime in with a 'yeah, but...' someone beat me to the punch. Meh story of my life, day late, dollar short.

    You already got the nitty gritty of my life story, I'll spare you the details again. It's just another story, and it reads just like anyone elses 'I am so depressed I feel your pain story'. It doesn't matter, because it's not your story, and it isn't your life.

    And here you are. On one hand you keep saying how you're not looking to reach out to anyone, you hate people, you want to be left alone. I can feel that, I can agree with the idea that the majority of people plain old suck. I have no other word for it.

    But then there is those people that don't. One in a million people, that one person that makes a difference. You'll know them when you see them.

    See these folks here that have taken time out of their day to read and respond to your posts, they don't suck. They want to help, but in all honesty, how could they? They see a cry for help, and the first impulse is to reach out and grab your hand, in hopes to catch you before you fall. And your equally impulsive reaction is to push them away. End effect is, you're still falling, and they walk away feeling worse for having tried to help and failed.

    Pretty messed up aint it.

    What I'm seeing is, you trying to be something you're not. Trying to be open and outgoing when you're introverted will just result in the knife twisting counter-clockwise. Congratulations, you just made yourself a whole lot worse. Faking happy in hopes of getting happy is probably exactly what got you into this mess to begin with.

    You do care about what people think of you. Else you would be off somewhere doing, or not doing, whatever it is you want to do, or not do. Or you would be contemplating what it is you have to do in order to get what you want, and get rid of the things you don't want.

    Pro tip, anything that leaves a bad taste in your mouth is most likely something you do not want. Same goes for people.

    Do I have any advice? No, I'm pretty useless when it comes down to the helpful hints section. I don't have an answer you don't have a question to. But when you find the question, well...

    All I can tell you is, it's much easier on you and everyone around you, when you can accept yourself. I'm not even reaching as high as saying you have to love every bit of what you are. But when you can be honest with yourself, you will know what it is you want, and you will find it much easier to ask for what you need. One day you may even demand to be heard. No really, you may shout it from the roof top. It annoys the neighbors when you do it at 1am, but I digress.

    Get rid of all the baggage you're carrying with you. Other peoples problems are not yours. They should not concern you. If my roomate wants to quit smoking, me not lighting a cigarrette does nothing for his craving. Let them all deal with their own luggage, and carry your bag by yourself. Own what it is you own, and give back what does not belong to you. Might find your lot is much smaller than you originally started out with. Just saying.

    But now I am giving advice, so I'm going to stop myself. There were some good ideas in this thread already, you read them, you answered, and I believe you understood. I don't know what compelled me to reply actually, other than the fact that if I see your words, I feel like I'm looking in a mirror. Time warp back to 1988.

    People still don't understand, they still look at me like I have 2 heads, and they still can kiss me where I split. Nothings changed, except for me knowing that it isn't me thats messed up, it's everyone else around me. Go see your therapist, evaluate your options, take a good long look at the bottle of meds, and ask yourself all those questions that rattle around in your head. It will sort itself out eventually.

    Oh and, if you're leaving the forum, I'll probably email you anyways. I wanna know how it all turns out.

    Good luck.
     

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