What to do when your family wants to see your novel but you can't really show them...

Discussion in 'Revision and Editing' started by Alesia, Sep 2, 2013.

  1. jannert

    jannert Retired Mod Supporter Contributor

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    I'm really sorry. Let's hope that when you build your new life in your new location, you will become part of a community of people who will nurture and appreciate your talent. It's your family's loss. They just don't see it. Maybe they will; maybe they never will. Time to move on.
     
  2. Alesia

    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

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    I'm just glad at least I have a good circle of friends that take it for what it is, regardless of orientation: A beautiful romance between two women that care for each other as much as any man (or woman) would care for their partner of the opposite sex.
     
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  3. Mckk

    Mckk Member Supporter Contributor

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    Sorry, but that's like telling someone, "I had to do it because my invisible friend and the voices in my head said so." Yes, of course I get what you mean, but that's because I write as well. For anyone who doesn't write, they'd look at you like you're crazy. At a time when his family already thinks he's probably crazy, not a good thing.

    @Alesia - I'm sorry to hear it didn't go down well, but give them some time to let it sink in. You never know, they might still come around. Be opened to them, they're still your friends and family and even with all your disagreements, they love you. That's got to be worth something. If they're not willing to discuss the issue calmly, then tell them you do not wish to discuss it at all because you value their friendship and you do not want to ruin that. Most would understand this, and let the subject drop. You may have to put up with them implying certain things and saying things indirectly for a spell, but as long as they're actually trying not to offend you, forgive the times when they do offend you. The relationships are more important even than your book. When you're in need, it's not your book, your agent/publisher, or your fans who will come and stand by your side, but these very people - these conservative, ignorant, perhaps arrogant people. They are the ones who would drop everything and be right there with you. Remember that.

    And like I said, give them time. You cannot expect someone who holds very strong beliefs in this area to suddenly accept your lesbian romance idea with opened arms and an opened heart. Not gonna happen. They're reacting in the only way they know how. Give them time to think about it. They don't understand your beliefs, and you're frustrated because they would not even try to understand them. Pay them the courtesy of trying to understand them - do unto others what you would have them do to you, after all. Grace is a damn difficult thing to give, but grace is what we all need. Your family and friends need your grace now. Will pray for you (not because I doubt your salvation lol, I haven't a clue what you believe in, but simply for peace between you)
     
  4. ddavidv

    ddavidv Senior Member

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    Their reaction is unfortunate. I probably would not have suggested telling them, but hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it?

    Or maybe it is time to deal with the much larger picture than just the subject matter of a story. Maybe this particular theme came to you because of the bigotry you saw under the surface with these people. Upside: you now have a pretty good idea what your lesbian characters may have to deal with in their own families!

    I occasionally browse an Atheist web forum, and it's no different there. Many young people coming to terms with their belief systems deal with the same extreme reactions (and worse) that you have. I've read sad stories of children being ousted from their parents' homes and not being allowed to even speak to them until they've "mended their ways". Such narrow-minded hypocrisy is more common than you can believe, and terribly sad.

    Not helpful to the OP, but to those who may read this later: I'm nearly 50, and am working gleefully on my first book length story (I'm hesitant to call it a novel until it's finished). My MC struggles with several things that I have: religion, relationship with his father, relationships with women. My spouse and her family will not find the views on religion to be palatable. That's just the way it is. I will not share my work with them until it is completed (wife) or in print (relatives). There's nothing to be gained from it. Fortunately, I do have some other friends who will appreciate it for what it is, even if they don't agree with it. The thing is, much like the MC in my story, I believe you have to be true to your writing. You've got to write about what you know and/or believe. Fiction writing is creating lies that entertain. As George Costanza once opined, "It's not a lie...if you believe it". This is true for us; if we don't believe what we are creating, no one else will.
     
  5. T.Trian

    T.Trian Overly Pompous Bastard Supporter Contributor

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    Sorry to hear things didn't turn out that well. However, in my experience, conflicts like this are inevitable if a kid doesn't share the views of their parents. I've gone through this as well: my sister is three years older than me, so she paved the way when it came to partying, dating etc, but she was always much tamer in comparison, so I provided bigger "scandals" even though the old timers were already starting to warm up to the idea that kids will be kids.
    When it was my time to start experiencing the adult side of life, I gave quite a few shocks to my folks, starting from liking metal music to drinking to excess when I was a teenager (my sister never gets truly wasted, just a few drinks and that's it), hanging out with a "bad crowd," getting tattoos, leaving church, training combat sports etc, and of course there were clashes, especially with my dad who's always been the stricter parent, but over the years he grew to accept that this is who I am and if he wants a son in his life, he has to come to terms that I am not his clone. Nowadays we have a great relationship and although we disagree on several things, it's no longer an issue.

    So I'd second the advice already given here: give them time. Most likely they will learn to accept you as being a bit different from them. It might take a while, even years. If they never do come around... well, again, imho that's their problem more than it is yours because you really haven't done anything wrong.
     
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  6. haribol

    haribol New Member

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    This is what exactly I am also facing. I too like to write things that are absoltutely totally private to me but the ultimatr objective of writing is publicity and I have to break through the cocoon of my confinements and the problem is my people cannot digest this
     
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  7. EdFromNY

    EdFromNY Hope to improve with age Supporter Contributor

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    Alesia, it sounds to me as if you actually were hoping to provoke a confrontation, and that you got what you were looking for.
     
  8. mammamaia

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    alesia...
    since you're not gay/lesbian and have no close friends/relatives who are, you may find laurie r. king's 'kate martinelli' series helpful... this SFPD detective is 'married' to her female partner and the novels contain a lot of interaction between a loving couple who live together and experience all the ups and downs heterosexual couples also have to weather...
     
  9. Rafiki

    Rafiki Active Member

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    Had an old roommate write a story about a gay time traveler. The roommate is gay and was working out his own issues at the time. He had just gotten out of 6 years of military service and his parents were christian fundamentalists from Louisiana. He was manic depressive, his mood swings often triggered by his own sexual insecurities and homophobia. Was tragic, but perhaps the most interesting character study I've ever seen.
     
  10. KaTrian

    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Contributor

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    That sucks. I'm really sorry to hear that. Hopefully they'll come around with apologies and feel right stupid about their reaction. Even if people have different views, we can still respect each other, I can respect that my mother believes in God because she was raised that way (she never imposed her beliefs on us the kids), I can respect my brother being a hc atheist with a very analytical, scientific look on life, and the two of them also respect each other. Things get problematic when we try to force each other to accept another person's world view and/or beliefs. I think it is, indeed, best to just move the hell out, be your own person, and keep writing whatever you please. Good luck!
     
  11. Alesia

    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

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    I'm actually scared. My mother, who i expected to be pretty outspoken, has been strangely silent on the matter. My aunt, on the other hand, is actually being supportive. Two of my other friends though? One has railing on facebook ad nauseum since yesterday in public posts about "carpet steamers" and "regardless of what the bible says, gay = just plain morally wrong (how so? proof?) therefore, I am morally wrong, and the other says I'm spiritually "lost" and in need of prayer. Anyway, nasty as they are being to me, it isn't gonna stop me from writing it. If anything, it's given me more impetus to write it and get it out there.
     
  12. KaTrian

    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Contributor

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    They're entitled to their opinions. I find them morally wrong for judging you, and I'm entitled to that opinion too. They don't sound like very good friends, though. After you've moved out, or maybe you have already, you can always surround yourself with likeminded people.

    You know what, I bet some of your friends secretly envy you.

    A lot of great stuff stems from anger and frustration. Easier said than done, but it's always better to try and turn bad stuff into something positive rather just roll in all that crap.
     
  13. MsScribble

    MsScribble Member

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    Big hugs. Keep writing.
     
  14. JetBlackGT

    JetBlackGT Senior Member

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    Your family had better love you for you. I try to be who I am with my friends because I don't want people to love me for being fake. It's not fair for them to love me if it's not really me they think they are loving.

    Tell them to support you by purchasing your book. :)
     
  15. Alesia

    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

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    I wish it were that easy. How long has it been since I last posted on this thread? And I'm still getting the blowback.
     
  16. JetBlackGT

    JetBlackGT Senior Member

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    It was Wednesday. :)

    I'm sorry to say, it will happen. If it's any comfort, you will probably feel relieved once they (your family and friends) get it all going. IIRC homosexuality is mentioned about three times in the bible (one time for quite a while as the author got the whole Sodom and Gomorrah story out of his spleen). In all of my visits to church, I have never once heard a minister rail against adultery which is mentioned in almost every book :( WTH?

    I am an ordained minister (totally not kidding. Don't hold it against me) and I give you permission to be you. [POOF]
     
  17. Yoshiko

    Yoshiko Contributor Contributor

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    [ignore please]
     
  18. Alesia

    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

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    Boarding a plane for the east coast and 5:30am tomorrow morning to do exactly that.
     
  19. KaTrian

    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Contributor

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    Bon voyage!

    I was just reading the newspaper of my city's congregation, and they're supporting a new sex education programme for schools (loose translation: "Norms Taken Apart"), that'd also take homosexuality in consideration in their curriculum so that non-hetero teens aren't left with the feeling that they could never have a family or a relationship. Sex ed is still very heteronormative and focuses more on the physical/anatomical than emotional side of sex.

    My point, in this day and age the Christian Church doesn't have to be closed-off , judgmental, and intolerant, it can focus on God's love instead of His hate. I'd love to know what Alesia's parents and family thought of these type of endeavors many churches take on...
     
  20. Alesia

    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

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    In short: They're all apostate and going to burn in hell.
     
  21. Duchess-Yukine-Suoh

    Duchess-Yukine-Suoh Girl #21 Contributor

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    Oh my God, c'mere you and let me give you a hug.

    My church(es that I visit) is/are fairly laid back in these sorts of things. We're more concerned with actually doing stuff for people (usually the terminally ill children.) then hating people

    Oh, and have fun on the east coast. I actually live on the east coast and it's awesome here. What state will you be in?
     
  22. JetBlackGT

    JetBlackGT Senior Member

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    I grew up in Maryland. The hunting and fishing on the east coast are so different from out west. The people are different as well :) You may notice that they talk a little faster.
     
  23. Alesia

    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

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    East Tennessee, specifically the Knoxville area.
     
  24. Duchess-Yukine-Suoh

    Duchess-Yukine-Suoh Girl #21 Contributor

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    I've never been to the home of country music! I've been to North Carolina though. (Which I think is close by, I dunno)

    This is random but I live in New Jersey (where you can't commercially buy fireworks), and the first time I went to NC, I saw fireworks on sale for the first time! I had seen fireworks before, but these were like little...kits. There was like a princess-themed one and it had all these Roman Candles and a couple sparklers and one big one. It was frekken amazing. (Didn't get to buy it, sadly.)

    So, you'll have a lot of cool new experiences, even if you weren't expecting it.
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2013
  25. Cristian

    Cristian Member

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    You ought to assure them that it's just a book and that you don't share the same sexual preference as the main characters. Tell them, for example, that controversy sells. Either way, you might end up disappointing them regardless. Use persuasion cautiously, but don't let it slip out of your reach.
     

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