1. Alesia
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    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

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    What would you do?

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Alesia, Apr 26, 2014.

    If someone were to totally dis your significant other, and defending their honor meant doing something that (to you) was incredibly distasteful, what would you do?

    Say, you and your other half both work at the same job. They have a ride to work but you don't therefore you have to ride with their mother, which they prefer not to do. Now, lets say these people driving them have more than enough room in their car, they have met you, and you have been nothing but nice to them and even offered them $20 a week for gas, yet when your other half asked if you could ride along the beat around the bush with wishy washy answers that basically equated to a "NO."

    To me, that is the equivalent to a straight up dis toward my girlfriend. In that case I'd say we are a package deal and refusing her is the same as refusing me, sorry can't ride with you anymore - uncomfortable as it was, I'd go in my mom's car. Yet in this situation my girlfriend continues to ride with these people, which to me, says that she supports them dissing me. Sorry, but had to get that off my chest. It's just the way I feel: When someone has a significant other that has been nothing but right to you, there is no reason you should accept one, but refuse the other. It's just weird.
     
  2. Duchess-Yukine-Suoh
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    Duchess-Yukine-Suoh Girl #21 Contributor

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    Do you know why they won't let you?
     
  3. MLM
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    MLM Banned for trolling

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    I'd threaten to detonate a nuclear device in a major American city if my demands weren't met. Then I'd rip off my shirt revealing my super villain costume.
     
  4. Alesia
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    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

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    No reason at all that I can tell. I have been nothing but nice to this lady and her husband. And when questioned, she gets all wishy-washy and won't look you in the eye, not that she doesn't do that anyway. I dunno, all I can say is what I said before: me and [Amy] are a package deal - to agree to drive one but not the other is the same as refusing the one you agreed to drive if that makes sense. And it's a total dis against the other party if you ask me. If the situation were reversed, I'd say "If you can't ride my girl, then you can't ride me, and by the way, I'm more than a little insulted."
     
  5. Duchess-Yukine-Suoh
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    Duchess-Yukine-Suoh Girl #21 Contributor

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    Eh, probably a racist or doesn't want a man in her car or something.

    Honestly, riding with this woman is probably what's most convenient/economically best for Amy, so if you can just........

     
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  6. shadowwalker
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    shadowwalker Contributing Member Contributor

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    Sorry, but it sounds a lot like the old school kid "If you want to be my friend, you can't be hers". But frankly, from your description I can't tell who's riding with who or who's dissing who. Basically, people don't have to like you (or your girlfriend) and they don't have to offer you (or your girlfriend) a ride, package deal or not. Nor should someone expect their partner to be inconvenienced just because that someone has got their nose out of joint.

    Life's too short. Save your stressing out for the things that really matter.
     
  7. ChickenFreak
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    ChickenFreak Contributing Member Contributor

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    I see this as two separate issues:

    1) Do the ride-givers owe you or your girlfriend an explanation or a change in policy?
    2) Does your girlfriend owe you an explanation or a change in policy?

    I think that the answer to (1) is no. The ride-givers aren't obligated to like you just because they like your girlfriend. They can say no for any reason from "her high heels might damage the floor carpets" to "she reminds me of a kid who bullied me in the sixth grade and I don't want that every day." And they don't need to name the reason. I don't even think that your girlfriend should hold this against them.

    (Edited to add: Oh. Those should be "his" and "he", huh? I keep reacting to your profile photo. My position remains the same, though.)

    2) is much more of an issue. For your girlfriend to accept a more pleasant ride option while you're stuck with a less pleasant one is a problem. Now, I can see it as possible that if you and your girlfriend work in the same place, and live in the same place, that maybe a little bit of time away from each other could be good. No matter how much you love someone, being together all day every day can be a problem. But that little bit of time doesn't have to be the commute.

    Now, if your girlfriend would rather be dragged behind a tractor-trailer on roller skaters than ride with her mother, I can see that, but in that case it would be better to hunt for another ride-share situation that you can both use.
     
  8. Alesia
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    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

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    It's actually less convenient. She has to leave 30min earlier than me to walk to a grocery store parking lot four blocks away because these people won't even come to our house. They won't exchange phone numbers with her, nor do they even talk to her at work. Not just that, but it's not like they have to go out of their way to pick me up either. We live in the same house, and would be at the same parking lot. And I'm offering them $80 a month in free income. Heck, the money aloe should have been incentive.

    My issue is this: These people she's only known for two weeks pretty much said "fuck you" to her boyfriend of three years, and she's acting like their feelings take precedence over mine. I'd sooner walk the three miles than ride with her mother, but it's okay for me to ride in that car while she goes with people that don't like her BF for whatever reason. That's what pisses me off. And that's what I've been saying all along. I'd do the uncomfortable shit if it meant showing my girl that I have more loyalty to her than these petty people she just met. But to me, this just shows that she doesn't really give a shit about how I feel as long as SHE'S not made to feel uncomfortable.
     
  9. jazzabel
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    jazzabel Contributing Member Contributor

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    It sounds to me like the issue is about more than just carpooling. Or rather, that the carpooling problems highlighted other issues in the relationship. So that's what you should focus on, and that's purely between you and your girlfriend.
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2014
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  10. KaTrian
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    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Staff Supporter Contributor

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    I think I'd just cut those jerks out of my life, but maybe that'd be too inconvenient to you guys. T and I are a package too, and pretty much everyone in our circle of friends and acquaintances knows it or learns it very fast. If it's impossible to confront the issue like adults, then I wouldn't want to have anything to do with them and I'd try to find another way to get to work or wherever.
     
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  11. T.Trian
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    T.Trian Overly Pompous Bastard Staff Supporter Contributor

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    If I was in your girlfriend's place, i.e. a friend offered me a ride, but said I couldn't bring Kat just 'cause he doesn't like her, I'd tell the person to take their car and shove it, and they'd get a permanent place on my shitlist. If they did anything more than that to come between us, they'd better have damn good health insurance.
    It's us against the world; her enemy is my enemy and vice versa.

    I'm inclined to agree with @jazzabel on this one; the carpool issue just brought to light some underlying problem that needs to be fixed. Even if you guys somehow got your own car tomorrow, that problem would still be there and it'd come up with the next difficult situation.
    After the problem is fixed, I'd do whatever I could do save up $500 and buy the cheapest, fugliest PoS car but one that works (i.e. moves from place A to place B) and screw the carpool.
     
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  12. shadowwalker
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    shadowwalker Contributing Member Contributor

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    I'm scratching my head here. Does no one have friends other than those who like your partners? My God. I had my friends, my partner(s) had their friends, and then we had mutual friends. There was no "drop your friends because they don't like me". I have friends who don't like my other friends. I'm not going to drop anyone because of that, and they don't expect me to (if they did, those would be the ones who got dropped).
     
  13. KaTrian
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    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Staff Supporter Contributor

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    @shadowwalker Well, people are different. You do things your way and it works for you, some others do it differently and it works for them. I'm not sure why it warrants a My God.
     
  14. shadowwalker
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    shadowwalker Contributing Member Contributor

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    I'm not sure why this type of situation warrants a "they'd get a permanent place on my shitlist" either. But I was serious about the friends thing. Just seems very limiting and, quite frankly, stifling. I mean, you find/have a person you really like, who will do things that you like to do but your partner doesn't - but they don't like your partner, so kick 'em out! How does that benefit anyone (unless one has a passive/aggressive or just out and out control freak partner)?
     
  15. jazzabel
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    jazzabel Contributing Member Contributor

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    I think it all depends on a person. I am fiercely loyal, with friends or family, so their enemy is my enemy, and vice versa. I can't stand when my friend is also friend with my enemy. I would never do that to them, and I feel betrayed when they do that to me. There is a reason why someone is an enemy. But I have very few, carefully chosen people who I call true friends, everyone else is just an acquaintance (even a close acquaintance) and I don't expect the same from them (nor am I loyal to them like I'm loyal to my close-nit circle).

    As far as OPs situation, what those carpool people are doing is plain rude and disrespectful.
     
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  16. T.Trian
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    T.Trian Overly Pompous Bastard Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Well, I guess it's not so much about us being bestest friends with all of each other's friends as much as it's about not being friends with those who behave like cunts towards one of us. I mean, if someone talks shit about my wife... Why would I want to please someone like that? That's just one way for me to show loyalty to my partner, but I'm sure some people feel differently about this. I mean, I've known plenty of couples with no love lost between them, but not everybody is like that.

    It's mostly about respectful behavior anyway. They don't have to like us, but if they want one of us to be friends with them, they have to behave in a civil manner towards our partner. A few of my female friends actually feared Kat in the onset of our relationship, but that was okay 'cause they still behaved in a respectful manner, weren't rude etc. and they did like her when they got to know her.

    I'm sorry, but I have no respect for a person who stands silently in the sidelines, smiling like an idiot while someone is taking a piss at his/her partner/brother/sister/friend/parent. But, again, that's just me. Or, rather, that's just me and the kind of people I choose to associate with; my real friends and family are also loyal and do step in to stand by my side if someone starts stirring shit with me or one of us.

    Unless one of us behaves like a complete jerk and deserves it when someone knocks their teeth in. That's when we point and laugh.


    I think you have mistaken mine and @KaTrian's posts since she didn't say anything about shitlists; I did. And that's just the way I am, so what?
    I don't even find it limiting / stifling because I have too many people in my life anyway, so if someone starts stirring up problems, well, good riddance. My family and real friends like each other, they like my partner, and we like them. That's because we're... friends.


    That's just a non-issue for us. It won't happen because whatever interests and hobbies I have, I already share with my wife and vice versa (yes, people sometimes wonder how we can be so similar, but we are). And whatever we like doing, we do, so the only things some "friend" might want to do with just one of us is something either both of us like doing / want to do, or something neither of us likes / wants to do.
    Now how does going along with something like that benefit anyone (unless one actually enjoys being a brown-tongue)?


    @jazzabel, well put. You expressed my thoughts more efficiently than I did. :D
     
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  17. KaTrian
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    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Staff Supporter Contributor

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    I didn't say 'shitlist', but I guess I might've just as well. But this is why you aren't with a person like myself, or T, or jazz. If you find it stifling and limiting, i.e. unpleasant, you don't do it. Good for you.

    However, some of us do react that way to people who disrespect our spouses/family, even if at first we had liked these people. So yeah, I kick 'em out of my life. No one is as important to me as my husband and family, and I don't need to deal with petty shit towards my loved ones from people I merely 'like' if they aren't going to change their attitude. To me it's not worth it. And for the record, I have severed friendships because I felt they were toxic to things I value more. My life, my right -- and my advice to the OP is bound to reflect that.
     
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  18. shadowwalker
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    shadowwalker Contributing Member Contributor

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    Wait a minute. There is a big difference between someone not liking your partner and thus not wanting to include them in things, and someone actively dissing your partner. I was referencing the OP's situation, which did not appear to be an active antagonism but merely a dislike (hemming and hawing, I believe was the phrase).

    I have a very good friend whose husband I cannot stand. Just being in the same room with him makes my skin crawl. She knows this. But I will not say anything bad about him to her or around her - I keep my trap shut. That's how we stay friends. I've had boyfriends that some of my other friends couldn't stand. As long as they weren't ragging on me about him, we were fine.

    Everybody is not going to like everybody else. I see no reason not to accept that fact and develop friendships based on the person and not on who else they like or dislike.

    (And no, I wasn't mixing up people with the "shitlist" comment. I was pointing out that my response was no more extreme than others made in this thread.)
     
  19. T.Trian
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    T.Trian Overly Pompous Bastard Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Well... maybe it's a little on the gray side of things: to me, saying "no, you can't get in the car, but she can," is very disrespectful and rude. Someone else might just shrug it off, but if the situation was reversed, I wouldn't get in the car if someone told me only I could while they wanted to leave my wife behind.

    I'd rather walk the whole way with her than sit comfortably in a car, knowing I left her to fend for herself. I know she'll get there eventually, it's not about her being helpless or anything, but personally I still see it as a shitty thing to do, and anyone who even suggested something like that to me (especially if it's some couple I don't even really know, i.e. who aren't my friends, but mere acquaintances, as was @Alesia's case) would make it on my "shitlist." By that I mean that from that moment on, I would look at them as people I don't want to associate with. If I have to, it'll only be to get our work done or whatever, but after that it's thank you very much and fuck off once again.
     
  20. KaTrian
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    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Ah, ok. Thought so 'cause you used a similar phrasing in your post as I did in mine while you were responding to my quote.

    My hubby used to have this girl as a friend and I thought she was a complete tool. I tolerated her, even gave her some of my old, punky clothes, but I can't say I lament the fact that they eventually grew apart. But I know, had she dissed me, she would've been out of his life instantly. Oh and she didn't care about being friends with me even though I think I only showed kindness towards her.

    Only once I've been a horrible, horrible bitch and asked him to reconsider his friendship with another girl whom I didn't like. He had suggested to her we could all be friends, but she wouldn't have any of it either (what gives?). Then she became stalky and clingy. I know my hubby is cute and everything, and I suppose for a young woman it's also nice to get attention from a married man, bare their hearts to him, be meaningful to him -- fine, if it helps them -- but I don't want to be the kind of wife either who just ignores the weird vibes and keeps her mouth shut for fear of appearing possessive.
    Ok, maybe that was a bit beside the point...

    As for this thread, and based on the information provided, to me those people look like jerks. But as @jazzabel said, the problem seems to be between the OP and his girl.
     
  21. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    if, as it seems, you are not married and live together in what many consider 'sin,' then a likely reason is that the driving couple does not approve of such relationships and they simply don't want to have to see the two of you together... which is of course very narrow-minded and bigoted, but that's just a fact of life, since there are lots of those types around...

    as for why your girlfriend won't give up riding with them, she may feel uncomfortable being together with you in the company of your mom, for some variation of the same reason, or any other one... in which case, she's not really dissing you, just avoiding what may be an awkward situation for her...
     
  22. MLM
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    MLM Banned for trolling

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    Maybe while driving your girlfriend they are all badmouthing you behind your back. I'm not saying I know anything about you or your life or your girlfriends' friends, but this is an answer which logically explains the situation.
     
  23. T.Trian
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    T.Trian Overly Pompous Bastard Staff Supporter Contributor

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    You're not the first person to think @Alesia is female, but he's actually a dude. :D
     
  24. 123456789
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    123456789 Contributing Member Contributor

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    I think we're all missing the bigger issue here. The OP is terribly written. Took me 2.5 rereads to get. Isn't this a writing forum?
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2014
  25. MLM
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    MLM Banned for trolling

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    Good point. Send it to the workshop.
     
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