1. Albirich
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    Albirich Active Member

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    When should two people get married?

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Albirich, Feb 10, 2014.

    Just a random question in my head, and I wanted to hear the opinion of others.

    My opinion:

    When I look at soap operas or whatever dung is on tv I always see, "I want to be with you forever." as the main "statement" of wanting to marry. I think this is completely idiotic, you don't have to put a ring on someones finger to live out a life with them. Thinking that one needs to marry inorder to be together forever is idiotic, and I THINK that this will lead to an unhappy marriage and perhaps divorce or such. (Not always though, but it's like young love...kinda)

    I think that when two people gets married - they know they will be together forever, and simply want to "show it" in a way.

    This might be a little sensitive topic, so lets not bash other opinions :)
     
  2. thirdwind
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    thirdwind Contributing Member Contest Administrator Reviewer Contributor

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    When they're older. I see too many people getting married young. The life expectancy is 75+ now. Forever is a lot longer than it was a hundred years ago.
     
  3. Lewdog
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    Lewdog Come ova here and give me kisses! Supporter Contributor

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    The answer is always 24 or C.

    But for this question, no one can answer something this important for someone else. Certain things like love don't work on a schedule. In fact some people say they are still in love after a divorce, but just can't stand to be around each other. Yeah, confusing I know, but life is.
     
  4. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    Not before you are comfortable living on your own. If you marry someone to keep a house for you, you are trapped by your needs.

    Not before you are comfortable with no company but yourself. If you marry so you don't have to face being alone, you are again trapping yourself. If you don;t like the company when you are alone, how will can you expect anyone else to put up with that person?

    Not before you can respect and support another person's interests and goals, even if they diverge from your own. And don't settle for someone who needs to mold you into something you are not.

    Not until you both have argued a hundred times or more, and still love the other as he or she is.

    When you can be apart, but don't wish to be.
     
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  5. TheApprentice
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    TheApprentice Contributing Member

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    When should people get married?
    Never XD

    Seriously though, make sure you really know the person and don't jump in too quick.
     
  6. TheApprentice
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    TheApprentice Contributing Member

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    When should people get married?
    Never XD

    Seriously though, make sure you really know the person and don't jump in too quick.
     
  7. KaTrian
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    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Yeah, well, marriage sure doesn't guarantee that the two people will be together forever. Some people do it for legal reasons, some for the status, some for the sake of tradition, but I don't know how often people marry because they hope that's gonna keep them together...

    As for the when:

    Like my mama used to say:
    Kaikkea muuta katuu paitsi nuorena naimista.
    "The only thing you will never regret is marrying young."

    Which she did, then got divorced, but hey, she doesn't regret it.

    Anyway, I was 21. I don't think I've ever viewed marriage the way pop-culture or soaps portray it. It just kind of happened and it felt good, it was an amazing day, I looked smashing in black'n'white'n'crimson, as did my hubby, and there was kick-ass music from Leonard Cohen to Metallica and Italian food and awesome cake, there were all our friends and relatives, sharing that day with us... It was simply magical. Not a church wedding, by the way. We designed the altar, too, with owls, roses, and candles.

    We know a few couples who've married as young as T and I, and are still very happy. Hopefully it will last.

    'When' depends so much on the couple. For some it works when they realize they'd rather be together than alone.
     
  8. Alesia
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    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

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    I'm in agreement with @KaTrian the "when" depends on the couple. Lizzie and I have agreed that things in our relationship are fine as they are. We've been together for almost two years and weathered most types of adversity together, and we both feel that marriage complicates things more than necessary; it's a long-term commitment neither of us wants to dive into. Will that change in the future? Maybe, maybe not. Until then, we will just enjoy what we have.
     
  9. Tharian
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    Tharian Contributing Member

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    When the couple has a reciprocal understanding of how there are more important things than love, which paradoxically may be enveloped as 'love 'as a whole.
     
  10. losthawken
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    losthawken Author J. Aurel Guay Role Play Moderator Contributor

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    I started dating my wife when we were in highschool. We were married at 22, and will celebrate your 10th anniversary this June.

    I've paid a lot of attention to marriages and relationships. What I see is that its a matter of balancing the pros and cons specific to the couple.

    Marrying young: You are still flexible; the older we get the less easy it is to adapt our habits and overlook our pet-peeves. Marrying young means you get to grow and mature together, and as such you can grow into a couple that fit nicely together.

    Marrying older: You know who you are going into marriage and what you want out of it. You will have the maturity to handle the inevitable problems as they arise and may be less apt to create them by your own immaturity and ignorance.

    I side on marrying young myself. It may be heretical in American culture, but I don't believe there is set mold of 'who I am/ am meant to be'. Rather think that we can, and should, choose and mold ourselves according to the lifestyle we want. Obviously there are limits and risks of co-dependency etc, etc. but hear my intent. I am pleased to have molded myself to my wife, and don't feel that I've lost anything that I have not gained above and beyond from doing so.
     
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  11. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    There's an old saying: Marry in haste, repent at leisure.

    It's worth listening to.
     
  12. T.Trian
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    T.Trian Overly Pompous Bastard Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Marrying young / in haste doesn't make any relationship or its odds of survival better or worse. The reasons for that marriage do. If the relationship was doomed from the start and marriage is just an attempt to keep it from falling apart, the results probably won't be very long-lasting.

    I knew I wanted to marry @KaTrian after the first time we met. The only reason I waited for a year before I proposed was us trying to follow society's conventions, trying not to shock our folks and friends too badly etc. We both knew what we wanted, we even discussed it a few months into our relationship, but, then again, we knew we'd still be together a year from then, so we were in no hurry either.

    The situation wouldn't be any different now if we'd gotten hitched after that first meeting. We would've just worn these bands around our fingers longer since nothing really changed except how society sees us.

    Looking back after 4 years of marriage, all I can say is that it sure was a great day. :cool:
     
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  13. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    Of course it does. Marrying in haste means rushing ahead without taking sufficient time to soberly evaluate what that commitment really means, beyond the heady fever of romance. It happens all too often. Not just in modern times, either. In fact, the modern trend of living together before deciding on marriage probably reduces the frequency of hasty, blind decisions. On the other hand, the emphasis on instant gratification worsens the viability of marriage, because people aren't as inclined to pay attention to the long term,
     
  14. A.M.P.
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    A.M.P. People Buy My Books for the Bio Photo Supporter Contributor

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    First off, I don't really believe in marriage.
    For me, it's just a way to get legal benefits to improve life (taxes, insurance, etc.) and always be given priority if there is an emergency or some stupid reason they'd bar you from seeing one another (Also, prevents you from testifying which is a huge bonus. You never know what shit will go down...)

    I do believe that people tend to marry far too early or simply marry the wrong people.
    The whole idea of dating is the cornerstone of why most relationships fail.
    I find that most people end up settling because they don't know any better on how a person should behave and be inside a relationship and outside.
    They just find someone who's good enough or perfectly great but you'd probably never call them to a gunfight.

    The way I see it, marrying "the one" or not critically looking at why this person is someone you should stick to everyday is the best way to wind up with a perfectly good person that won't last.
    There's more to partnership (I prefer this word over marriage) than romance or sex or even eternal happiness.
    Yes, you have to be happy in a partnership but the criteria isn't always laughing, always smiling.
    There's different kinds of happiness and if those can't be fulfilled than the relationship itself fails.

    A partnership is the kind of relationship that can have fistfights in it without any hurt feelings.
    No, I don't condone beating one another up but it's not about compromises or holding your tongue.
    It's not about compromises or holding your tongue or doing things for each other.
    It's about commitment and going toward a common future (not necessarily the exact same future just a common grounding) and it's about being able to be as cruel and true to each other without any reprimand.
    If your partner wouldn't go on a murderous journey with you, they ain't much of one.

    An issue I commonly find in relationships is differentiating philosophies.
    People just seem to glance over them and say "Well, she has a right to her opinion or he's allowed to think different." but what they don't realizing is how far these difference can and will eventually divide them.
    I just can't understand people not digging into each others beliefs but instead only focusing on the things they like about the person as if those are more important than the fundamental structures the other relies on to conduct himself.

    RAGE!!!!
     
  15. KaTrian
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    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Staff Supporter Contributor

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    I wouldn't overanalyze or overthink marriage either. It is what it is, you get to co-exist with the person you love.
    What kind of differences are we talking about here? ideological differences? Unless very drastic, they won't affect your everyday life.

    I'm not into focusing on what divides us, but rather what unites us. People and their opinions change too. One doesn't have to agree, but one can try to understand the opinion or viewpoint of their spouse, where they're coming from.

    I guess there're certain cornerstones in domestic co-existence, things that keep it standing, and if they aren't strong, everything you've built just comes crumbling down. One has to see eye-to-eye with the other person when it comes to make-or-break issues. If it looks like this is not the case, tying the knot might turn out to be a bad idea. Also, if one has no idea what they want, it's better to wait, I think. And if a person can't accept there will always be a dark chasm between the two people, which contains the things that can never be shared with another soul, marriage might not be their thing.

    Sometimes I wonder if couples who've married young but have not "been around" before that will be more likely to fall apart at some point and start living their teenage years in their 40s, making up for "the lost time."
     
  16. T.Trian
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    T.Trian Overly Pompous Bastard Staff Supporter Contributor

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    I understood "marrying in haste" as being in haste to marry, I didn't take it to mean you had to be unready.



    Surprise, surprise, I'm inclined to agree on both points. To the first: nobody can ever truly know anybody else. Many people don't even know themselves or they think they do, but no longer do because they have changed without noticing it because they don't pay attention to their own personal evolution. If you expect to know your partner so well they will never disappoint you, you'll probably be, well, disappointed. However, this doesn't mean you couldn't trust her/him with your life. I do.
    “A good friend doesn’t try to break up a fight, a good friend comes in with a flying kick.”
    -Renzo Gracie


    I've noticed a trend (and this is a purely subjective observation) that many people who've led very sheltered lives and only start to experience things like sex, alcohol etc. as adults, often tend to go over the top and turn into floundering 14yos at 24 (I see this sort of behavior at the uni all the time) whereas people who went through their rowdy phase in their early teens, start to gradually ease down in their 20s / 30s, tired with a life of fun but meaningless one-night stands and booze / drugs.

    I'm not advocating one over the other, btw, but personally I prefer to go through my most embarrassing moments when I'm still young enough that people will go "well, kids will be kids." Not that parents are anymore likely to like it much if you bring home a stranger in the middle of the night when you're 15 and end up taking turns puking in the toilet the next morning, but they might be a little more understanding then than ten years later. :D
     
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  17. Tharian
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    Tharian Contributing Member

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    I can testify to this observation. You may especially notice a difference between people who went abroad or had a sabbatical year vis-a-vis the people who have a continuous school career.
     
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  18. yagr
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    yagr Contributing Member

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    I knew that I would spend the rest of my life with the girl who was to become my wife the moment I saw her. I waited four days to tell her; I didn't want to scare her off by telling her too soon. :) Anywho, we were content to spend the rest of our lives together regardless of marriage but a legal benefit that we had not foreseen tilted us in favor of marriage for us. Too, around the same time, our daughter became an ordained minister online with the hopes of marrying us.

    When should others marry? No idea, I am not them. I do believe though, that many of the reasons people have for getting married are unacceptable for me (rather than to me). I tend to agree with T.Trian and Tharian's observations but think that those who did not have the benefit of experiencing a wide range of life and experiences may find that the experience of marriage to the wrong person teaches them more than life would otherwise allow them to experience through a sheltered existence or economic challenges (that, for instance, would not allow them to spend time abroad, etc.)
     
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  19. Wyr
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    Wyr Active Member

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    When they are ready.

    Granted, that's not very precise, but marriage as a whole sure as hell isn't so why should the timing of ceremony itself be different?

    I once worked with a woman who married her husband after knowing him for two weeks. Twenty five years later they had three kids who seemed like great people (I only met them a few times) and, every time I saw them together, still seemed very much in love with each other. I'm not claiming this is the ideal way to do things, I'm saying it worked for them so I have no reason to knock it.

    I don't know if my own situation really applies since we just celebrated our first month of marriage two days ago, but so far things are going good. ;) We first met in 2007, started dating about six months later, and he proposed in 2012 (though we had often talked about it before.) We waited another two years to actually marry. Seven years seems like a long time between meeting and marriage these days, but it felt right to us.

    What I've learned from my relationship is to be certain that you can live with someone's faults (no one is faultless); you don't have to "grow to love them" but you sure as hell better be able to put up with them without going crazy. Also you have to be mature enough to put someone else's wants and needs before your own and trust your partner enough to believe they will do the same for you.
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2014
  20. marshipan
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    marshipan Member

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    When... there's a reason--legal, financial, political, social, etc.
     
  21. minstrel
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    minstrel Leader of the Insquirrelgency Staff Supporter Contributor

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    How about this:

    A couple should get married only after they've exhausted all the alternatives.

    Or this:

    People should get married on June 27, 2012, because that was a nice day.
     
  22. Duchess-Yukine-Suoh
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    Duchess-Yukine-Suoh Girl #21 Contributor

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    When they feel like it.
     
  23. mg357
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    mg357 Active Member

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    I have never been married. but for my writing I always have the characters date two full years before the leading man proposes marriage then I have them take a full year to plan and prepare for the wedding.
     

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