Maybe there's a difference in where in Britain too - I'm talking mostly southern and middle class England. Parents on the whole live by themselves once the kids finish university, and children do not take into account where their parents might be when they choose where to look for jobs and/or a house. The boundaries are far more clear cut in the sense that my parents would have to ask when my sister might be free and arrange a date to meet, as opposed to simply popping up for a surprise visit. When it comes to grandchildren, the parents get the final say over the grandparents - authority is certainly not equal and things are not discussed with the grandparents regarding how best to raise the grandchild. It is generally *not* the norm - at least that I have seen - for parents to live with their children. I suppose the situation could be different if it concerned widowhood. I'm not entirely sure it would be though. I was talking to my sister the other day and she was saying how mum isn't really part of their family unit - my sister was thinking strictly nuclear family, and she does not think it's right that the grandmother should be part of the immediate family. I'm less English in this sense and am more flexible. I see nothing wrong with including the grandparents in as immediately family - I see only benefits in giving the child that variety of experience and ages etc. To be honest though, given that me and my sister are first/second generation immigrants, our mindsets may not be 100% English and definitely not 100% Chinese. To what extent our own experience is the general norm is debatable. However, family relationships and boundaries are definitely more flexible in Chinese culture than English culture, judging from the kind of things my parents expected of us and then were heartbroken to find out they could not expect it of us because we're very westernised. They don't blame us, but I don't think it's something they're quite used to completely.
I dunno @Mckk. Perhaps it's a Northern Irish thing. I remember having an argument with my English sociology teacher back in the day, over the nature of familial relationships in N.I. Obviously there are exceptions, but on the whole, grandparents are greatly valued here, and not just in a 'they are my elders, I should respect them' kind of way. I, like so many, am one of the great unsung, unpaid, ready made babysitters that our society, rightly or wrongly has come to economically depend on. Also many mothers here are simply not prepared to hand over their children to childminders in order to return to employment, preferring to have their children spend time with those with a vested interest, and that is where we grandparents step in. I wouldn't say it is expected of us, but we do it because that is how many of us were raised. Gotta say, financial considerations aside, I think it's a very healthy attitude to have. Very often, when couples are buying their first home, even before the children arrive, the major consideration is proximity to the grandparents, rather than proximity to good schools and amenities. (No where is very far from anywhere else here. ) I remember, ages back, another member called me a moron for expressing my feelings on the nature of parental love. Whilst there is no doubt brain chemistry plays it's part, much of the relationship I have with my daughter is a co-operative effort to do right, not only by each other, but our family unit. Not only that, working together as we do strengthens the bond between me and her partner and myself and the other grandparents who, like myself, feel the need to play their part as that is how they too were raised. Being that I am the maternal grandmother, extra special emphasis is placed on my role, and I would imagine this is very common. I didn't grow up referring to my own maternal grandmother as 'The Godmother' (think FF Coppola) for no good reason. It's actually really nice to come from a culture that greatly venerates this role and takes pride in it. Children relate differently to grandparents. I could be talking total bollocks here, but my grandson appears to be hardwired to do what I tell him. (In the way that my daughter wasn't ) I can appeal to him when his own parents can't. Don't get me wrong, how my daughter and her partner wish to raise their son is very much down to them, but they will always ask for the benefit of my experience when making major decisions. Although I have no plans to as yet, we have talked about my eventually moving in. It's a win-win. They get the benefit of having me around to help with the child-rearing, especially when it comes to the angsty teenage years, and I know I'll not get shipped off to a home in my dotage. You are quite right in making the distinction between a single widow/widower living with their family as opposed to the set up some cultures prefer. I myself am not a widow but I am single. If I had a partner, I'd still play an active role but from a distance. I don't want to make out like I have no ambitions beyond playing my familial role but it's a huge part of who I am. Even though the maternal grandfather and I split when my daughter was a toddler, we are still accepting of each others roles. I think it's very sad when grandparents... especially on the paternal side, end up excluded due to ill-feeling and divorce. I believe this to be the biggest contributory factor to the contraction of the extended family unit. Such a pity. Sometimes you need to lay those petty grievances aside for the common good. It's the kids that lose out in the end. Wow... for my own daughter to say that of me would be the single most hurtful thing I can imagine. That lack of reverence would cut like a knife.
If I'm understanding you correctly, obsidian, my family is much like yours. My grandmother was often the babysitter and would take us for a whole week sometimes during summer. Our parents saw it as kind of a vacation for us (and for them), I suppose. Even now, my sister has a one year old son, and my stepmom (his grandmother) takes him while my sister is at work more often than not.
I would quite honestly say that I like being an adult far more than I ever did as a child. Sure I have to pay bills and other expenses on such a short income... but eh. I'm just glad that growing up is not a reversible condition. I have yet to see how I feel about aging. So far I'm not feeling too fearful.
I'd say maybe 3 - 4 more years, but I can honestly say that since hitting 30 my life has been a blast, despite some genuinely difficult times, my outlook is just so much better than when I was a teen. I think a lot of it depends on the adult you 'mature' into, I know a lot of my friends lost a kind of zest when they got into their late twenties, but I myself am almost going backwards - life is for living! Also Lemex, I have to point out as you seconded the comment about being able to play sports etc., at 24 you are still in the middle of your athletic peak...
I don't think the point's what we gain, but what we lose. I think most people agree that adulthood is better. The thing is that childhood still had lots of good things, and that they were largely different from the pleasures we have as adults. We can't get those things back, and that makes us sad. We end up as unproductive, reminiscing, melancholic nostalgics depressed at the thought that we can't have it all, which of course we want as humans. Childhood was innocent, blissful and devoid of obligations, so it's a natural thing to yearn for. We also don't like to grow old in general, so that also factors in. Plus we have an affinity with the past, because it's different yet feels more natural and more like home regardless, because we know it from when we were little. Wouldn't we all want to get to go back as some perfect mix of who we are now and who we were then, tell our young selves to be careless, happy and free and get those few decades of our lives back?
