1. theoriginalmonsterman
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    theoriginalmonsterman Pickle Contest Administrator Contributor

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    Working on a short story; was wondering what you guys think...

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by theoriginalmonsterman, May 20, 2016.

    I'm still working on editing the full idea (characters, setting, and plot), but I just wanted to see what you guys think. I welcome any feedback. I'll probably update the thread with a more finished outline once I have more time to work on it. Also will try to bullet point things once i get a better understanding of what direction I want to take the story in.

    Walmart Apocolyptic End of The World Story – Needs a Title

    Synopsis: Many issues have begun to arise in the world such as pollution becoming so toxic it’s created smog that makes it impossible for humans to inhabit specific parts of the world. A zombie apocalypse has broke out that’s killed over half the world’s population. Government has been overthrown creating an unstable economy leaving many homeless and poor. People struggle for food, shelter, and so on. A lot of power has gone into the hands of many different cliques and gangs that fight to try to support themselves. The world has basically become complete shit, and all hope is loss of humanity ever regaining itself. However, somehow on top of all this Walmart has remained in power. So while the whole world has fallen down in the middle of the world ending; one Walmart has stood standing tall. Of course this brings attention to many people still alive, so the world begins to close in on Walmart to find out why it’s still standing.

    Main Characters:

    Jim – The manager of Walmart. He’s well aware of the condition the world is in, but despite this still keeps a courteous and happy outlook on running Walmart and helping customers. No matter what situation he’s in he keeps his head held high; even if his life is threatened. He’s well-respected by the other workers at Walmart, and tries to his best to accommodate to everyone. Even though he seems like a push-over most of the time when it comes down to it he does have a stern side that he only reveals to a few of his co-workers (Stella, Herald, and Tech).

    Stacy – A war-hardened military officer that works as a cashier at Walmart. She respects Jim, and tries hard to stay calm, but has difficulty with this whenever dealing with people that disrespect her or any of her co-workers in the slightest, and will break out into a violent outburst where Jim and other co-workers usually have to try and calm her down. She believes that they should barricade Walmart and keep all the resources to themselves.

    Mario – He’s a bigger guy that on the outside seems like a macho bad-ass, but is really a nervous wreck on the inside. He stocks the shelves as well as. He’s constantly in fear of one of his co-workers being killed, and is somewhat over-protective.

    Herald – A former FBI agent that works as Walmart as the security guard. He doesn’t talk much, and will only abide Jim’s orders.

    Tech – A robot with a highly advanced AI that runs the food court. When working he (it identifies as a he) will act happy with and will only perform simple commands, but when off duty he’s reverts to his actual personality where he’s a lazy guy who doesn’t give a crap about really anyone or anything since he’s well aware the world and ending. He will really only act out for his own purposes. Will comically smoke a cigar even though he gets no joy out of it since he’s a robot.

    Jamaica – A younger teenage girl. She’s works as a janitor at Walmart, and will only be willing to talk to Tech. She’s incredibly shy and avoids all contact with just about anyone she meets.

    Gary – A bratty and selfish kid (teenager slightly younger than Jamaica) who was once a part of a rich family until his family was killed and had their fortune stolen. Jim apparently found him hiding behind a dumpster outside of Walmart and had to force him into Walmart to keep him from dying. The only people who can tolerate him is Tech and Jim. Everyone else just tries to ignore him.
     
  2. Aaron Smith
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    Aaron Smith Contributing Member Contributor

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    It sounds like it could be fun if done right.
     
  3. EdFromNY
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    EdFromNY Hope to improve with age Supporter Contributor

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    What do we think about what? The idea? You lost me at "zombie apocalypse". But that's just me.

    Just out of curiosity, if the majority of responders say they don't like it, does that mean you won't write it?

    My suggestion is - don't stop to take a poll. Just write with conviction.
     
  4. theoriginalmonsterman
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    theoriginalmonsterman Pickle Contest Administrator Contributor

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    I guess I was just looking for suggestions on where I could put more detail. Of course I understand I don't really have much down yet, so I guess I'll have to update the thread with a more clear outline before you can guys can really help out. I'm writing the story regardless of what people say. If everyone hates it; it just gives me more motivation to write to prove people this can actually be a good story.
     
  5. EdFromNY
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    EdFromNY Hope to improve with age Supporter Contributor

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    Personally, I'd save that for a critique of the actual work. In the formative stage, it should be all your own.

    If you sail up the East River from New York Bay, you pass under two bridges in quick succession. The first is the Brooklyn Bridge, designed by John Augustus Roebling and widely recognized as one of the most aesthetically pleasing bridges in the world. The second is the Manhattan Bridge, known, if at all, by the fact that subway trains run along the center of it. It was designed by committee. Stories, like bridges, shouldn't be designed by committee.
     
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  6. theoriginalmonsterman
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    theoriginalmonsterman Pickle Contest Administrator Contributor

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    Thank you for the advice. I will definitely take this into consideration. However, like I said before I am planning on updating this with more information. It will probably come down to me asking more specified questions once I have the actual plot down on paper. I won't be changing my story to accommodate others' opinions since this is my story. What I'm looking for isn't really advice in which way I should take this story in, but rather is there anywhere you guys see that could use more detail to help me identify ways I could continue expanding on what I already have.

    I realize posting this thread without much information wasn't the best decision, and it will be updated in the future.
     

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