1. nhope
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    nhope Contributing Member Reviewer

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    Would you give up romance for writing? Have you?

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by nhope, Aug 14, 2010.

    Yeah, I asked.

    Would you stay single to concentrate on your writing? Last year I ended an on/off 2 year relationship which began when I was intently into writing. As the dating progressed my novel/story writing took a back seat (I kept up the "dear diary" type writing) and then I put it aside for the relationship.

    I have since resumed writing and have the opportunity to date again.

    Not sure if I want to.

    Not sure if I'm using the writing as an excuse to not date or would use the dating as an excuse to not write. I don't like the idea of excusing either.

    Can a writing relationship and love be balanced?
     
  2. Elgaisma
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    Elgaisma Contributing Member Contributor

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    I'm married with three kids so no lol I have neglected them recently to get things done but I wouldn't be without them. Plus nothing gets my creative juices working so well as a good physical relationship, my writing can also steam up our relationship:)
     
  3. Lemex
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    Lemex That's Lord Lemex to you. Contributor

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    I have a wonderful girlfriend who I've been dating for over two years. Why should I give that up for writing when I can have both?

    I don't let my writing take a back seat, not even when my girlfriend is around, I give everything I do the same care and attention.
     
  4. Eunoia
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    Eunoia Contributing Member Contributor

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    I think you should be able to have both. Why sacrifice one or the other? I wouldn't be happy if there was only writing and no romance or vice versa. The intensity of writing could put a strain on the relationship, but it's the same the other way round. As long as your other half respects the importance of writing, then I don't see why it can't be balanced. After all, why be in a relationship if they don't respect that writing is a big part of your life?
     
  5. Capt Bob
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    Capt Bob Senior Member

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    I can't conceive of the instance where the two would be mutually exclusionary.

    In even the most minor conflicts-(usually a demand for time, at the moment)- priorities have to be recognized and concessions made for accommodation of either, in order for the preservation of both.

    Not just with writing and romance but with thousand of everyday choices. The day the demands of one totally and undeservedly exclude the other, it is time for some serious contemplation on the true underlying values of both.

    Nothing has to Be, just cause to date you think it "Should"!. Those you still miss after 5 years may have been your, hasty, mistaken, decisions.
     
  6. Mercurial
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    Mercurial Contributing Member Contributor

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    I dont feel like this question makes a lot of sense... Even hypothetically, when would this question apply in anyone's life?

    Even professional authors have lives. Writing is a passion of mine but it does not and should not be my entire life. If writing and your life are synonymous, then, to be frank, that's not much of a life. Writing is very important, but there's more to life. I cannot even begin to imagine a time when you would be forced to sacrifice your love life for your writing or vice versa. No matter what your career (or hobby), people have to make time for different things; it's called balance.

    Romance and writing are not mutually exclusive activities nor is there any reason for them to be. If I was ever dating an author, and he used that excuse on me, I wouldnt go back to him just because he decided that he had time for me again. That's such a cop-out answer.

    (If you're trying to ask an "if your lover asked you to choose between writing and him, which would you choose?" ultimatum type of question, that's a different story and still doesnt apply because that is not romance at all. I'd choose writing not because I prefer writing to love but because writing makes me happy, and no one who really cares for me would ever try to put a limit on my happiness.)
     
  7. hiddennovelist
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    hiddennovelist Contributing Member Contributor

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    OP- I think the key here is that you ended your "on again off again" relationship. If it was on again off again, then there were probably other issues going on, which meant it wasn't just "romance" that was interfering with your writing, just as it probably wasn't just a need to focus on writing that led you to ultimately end it.

    I've given up writing for a relationship. It was a horrible decision (both the giving up the writing and the decision to get into the relationship to begin with), and it's been really hard to get back into writing, even almost three years later. Now, though, I would never give up my husband for writing, and he would never want me to give up writing for him. You just need balance.
     
  8. w176
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    w176 Contributing Member Contributor

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    Living a life where you dedicate much of you life to some hobby/calling isn't that unusual, no matter if it is music, writing, martial arts or something else.

    I wouldn't be able to share my life with someone who couldn't understand that or at least tolerate that.

    Maybe you should go looking for someone with a calling of their own. I'm sure there are musicians, sports geeks, painters, other writers etc that would love to have a partner that not only understood their need to follow their calling but someone because they have a calling of their own don't mind the time spent on it.
     
  9. Lydia
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    Lydia Contributing Member Contributor

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    Uh, no. Lol... I like writing, but it's not more important to me than a boyfriend/husband/whatever. Besides, my guy likes writing too, so I wouldn't have to make that decision. ;)
     
  10. Peerie Pict
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    Peerie Pict Contributing Member Contributor

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    My boyfriend always encourages me to write even though we're polar opposites. He's sporty and I'm bookish. Theres no need to sacrifice your interests when you're with someone and everyone benefits from some "me" time to indulge their hobbies.
     
  11. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    I would not give up a part of my life that is important to me for anyone again. I did that once. When I was divorced, I discovered how much of myself I had given up.

    Anyone who expects you to give up a big piece of yourself is the wrong person for you.
     
  12. Ashleigh
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    Ashleigh Contributing Member Contributor

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    My boyfriend and I are both published writers now, and we made that achievement together with one anothers support; writing is a very special part of our relationship.

    That choice would never come up, and I couldn't ever imagine a time when it would. However, I understand some people are involved with bad, controlling people, the sort who wouldn't want their partner enjoying a creative outlet purely because it threatens their status as the higher authority in the relationship.

    In cases such as these, I'd say dump that person and continue your passion. The right person will embrace/encourage your needs to write, and only the wrong person would want to change such a good thing about you.

    OP, it sounds like your relationship must've had problems for you to come to that decision. Whilst you might've put it down as needing to write more, this person was obviously someone you didn't need/want in your life at that point. Because otherwise...well, I just couldn't understand it. You can easily have both, and it's wonderfully encouraging when you have both. I feel like you'd be missing out if you chose one or the other, and quite drastically so.

    I hope you get to experience the joys of both in unison, like I do, some time soon. :)
     
  13. nhope
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    nhope Contributing Member Reviewer

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    I've given up writing for a relationship. It was a horrible decision (both the giving up the writing and the decision to get into the relationship to begin with), and it's been really hard to get back into writing, even almost three years later. Now, though, I would never give up my husband for writing, and he would never want me to give up writing for him. You just need balance.[/QUOTE]

    All this is so true and makes perfect sense. It's one thing when you believe something is not right for you and quite another when someone actually says it. He was not right for me as it was always about him. He said my writing didn't bother him but he would never really let me write. He would interrupt, make noise, act bored, sigh, basically act like a four year old waiting to go to the playground. We didn't live together and when I told him I didn't want to see him that day/weekend so I could write he would feed me the "I just want to be near you" line and make it impossible for me to do anything except pay attention to him. It was draining, exhausting, and sad. The beginning was good but it went downhill quickly. This is the first time I've said this much about it on a forum, but you've all picked up on it so quickly, as well as said what I always thought.

    Thank you so much. I guess I may be gun-shy about another relationship. Maybe I'm not ready yet. But I am ready to write - that's a good thing.
     
  14. hiddennovelist
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    hiddennovelist Contributing Member Contributor

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    My ex was exactly the same way, and that was part of why I gave it up. Also, he was incredibly emotionally/mentally abusive, and by the end of our relationship, I was so messed up I could barely get out of bed in the morning, let alone muster the energy to write. I'm sorry you went through what you did, and I can definitely understand and sympathize with being gun-shy about another relationship. Just don't be afraid to take the plunge when you meet someone you feel might be worth it. :)

    I'm glad you've been able to get back into writing! There was no better feeling than the first time I put pen to paper after I left my ex.
     
  15. Ashleigh
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    Ashleigh Contributing Member Contributor

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    I'm also sorry to hear that you had a bad relationship nhope, but you made an excellent personal decision when you left this person; some people just don't have the courage to go through with it, no matter how much it's torn them up inside.

    You too, Hidden! I was in a nasty relationship once too, and damn it feels good to be making those first steps into the writing world, alongside my lovely boyfriend now.

    I'm proud of you both, and anyone else who recognised when someone was pulling them down. Writing is worth fighting for. It's just a case of realising when someone is trying to compromise, and when someone is trying to control.

    Hidden's right - know your gut instincts, look for your chance, and go for it! :)
     
  16. Trilby
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    Trilby Contributing Member Contributor

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    If you were in an on and off relationship for two years then maybe the time was right to end it regardless of writing or anything else for that matter.
    You say you're not sure if want to start a new relationship. Then I would advise: Don't. Why complicate your life?
    And yes a loving relationship and writing can go hand-in-hand together. The trick is finding a partner that is supportive of your writing and if he/she does not support you in your interests, writing or anything else you're keen on, then they are not worth bothering with. So don't waste your precious time on them.
    A loving patnership is a two-way street, made up of give and take. It is not take. take, take, nor is it give, give, give.

    I have just thought up a new signature:-
    Find yourself before you find a partner, then you will know exactly whom you are and nobody will be able to tell you who or what you should be.
    All the best Trilby;)
     
  17. nhope
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    nhope Contributing Member Reviewer

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    The relationships I have been in, even with my exh, seem to be with the same guy who each time, has a new face. The other part of my hesitation could be that there really has not been that continuous WOW factor in one relationship, just in bits and pieces of them all.

    I also wonder if I just want to take some time and write which will also allow me to get to know myself better.

    Trilby - this ties in with your new signature. Very true.
     
  18. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    i don't see this as strictly a writer problem but one of relationships in general...

    no matter what you do for a living [or do for personal enjoyment], if your potential [or existing] partner's needs/demands would keep you from doing it, or s/he would not be supportive of your doing it, then s/he's not good partnership material for the long haul...
     
  19. Maxx
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    Maxx New Member

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    I managed to get both into a single realm by marrying a writer. She flaunts her royalty checks and tells me to get to work.
     
  20. Trilby
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    Trilby Contributing Member Contributor

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    I wish, I had someone flaunting royalty cheques under my nose.
    That would definitely motivate me to write. I'd show them! :p
     
  21. RotStern
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    RotStern New Member

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    I write to love, I love to write.
     
  22. Shinn
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    Shinn Banned

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    I'm planning on keeping my writing life and romance balanced when I find the right girl; maybe even let her help me out with story ideas.
     
  23. Capt Bob
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    Capt Bob Senior Member

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    Not all in your life is meant to be shared. Some things are personal even in the deepest relationships, and should stay thus honored.

    Both partners should accord the other personal time without feeling it reflects on their devotion to you.

    The things you chose to keep in your private realm is up to only your discretion. The unselfish understanding towards your partner in honoring their private time is one of the true measures of your devotion for them.

    This could apply to writing, it does not consume 12 hours a day.
    It of course dos-NOT- apply to "cheating" relationships with others.
    Reasonable parameters must be observed.
     
  24. nhope
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    nhope Contributing Member Reviewer

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    That is my dream, to find a fellow writer. In my mind, that would be wonderful.

    I absolutely love this! Eight words that I have recited six times already.

    But I want to share my writing with someone, I want him to understand why it's so important to me, just as I would understand his need for his own time. I think it's important for each to have separate minor interests, but it is also, if not more important, to share a common interest - you have to have something to talk about. You have to spend time doing something you both love, otherwise you end up spending more time asking each other "what do you want to do?" that you end up being exhausted by doing nothing.

    I have decided to pursue my writing, but if the man who is irresistible to me shows up, I will definitely let him share my writing space. ;)
     
  25. Jayodi
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    Jayodi New Member

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    I often date other writers, which can actually help my writing, as I have another source to draw from. My writing style has been influenced a lot by past relationships, because as we read and review each other's work, our writing styles will take on a bit of the other's.

    On the other hand, writing can put a bit of strain on the relationship, due to frustration from writer's block, or disagreements over certain things, or whatever else.

    On the figurative third hand, I often collaborate with my partner at the time, which allows the writing to take off, while keeping our relationship close and active.

    I, personally, would give up romance for writing, but I would also give up writing for romance. It depends on which I feel would benefit me more at the time.
     

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