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  1. Fuentes
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    Fuentes New Member

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    Writing help!

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Fuentes, Dec 12, 2007.

    English, being my second language, sometimes I find it hard to write fiction. I'm very picky about words and everything I write, I often choose techical words instead of simple ones, and it sometimes becomes very fustrating because I'm not sure if the sentence or paragraph makes sense at all.

    I often find myself reading the same paragraph/sentece over and over again and I feel that is not good enough or that it might not make any sense to native english readers.

    Here's an excerpt of a short fiction story that I wrote:

    Protectorate Authority is an independent organization with former ties to the Venture Trading Company. After internal conflicts of interest and infighting during the third war, several branches of the Venture Co. abandoned operations in protest to mono political aggressions against smaller and thus weaker enterprises. These branches later established small independent groups to defend and protect local commerce.

    The Protectorate is composed of ex-venture co. militants and mercenaries who saw the opportunity to do right after Venture Co.’s monopoly abuse over foreign territories, commerce, natural resources, arms, and logistics.

    One particular group, the Protectorate Authority (former Enterprise Protective Services) became very successful, and expanded their services across Kalimdor, not only protecting the local enterprise, but also defending the peoples of Mulgore, Durotar, and all horde kin within its territories.


    I'm pretty sure there is tons of grammatical/sentence errors. Does this story make any sense? could you guys tip (and highlight) the areas that need improvement? Any help is greatly appreciated.
     
  2. Banzai
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    Banzai One-time Mod, but on the road to recovery Contributor

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    I've found a few errors I can point out for you, Fuentes.

    Internal conflicts of interest and infighting are the same thing. I'd get rid of one.

    Firstly, it should be in protest against, rather than in protest to.

    And secondly I'm not even sure what mono political aggressions are, but it feels like mono political should be hyphenated, if not replaced by a different phrase entirely. If you can explain what you mean, I could help you with that perhaps?

    I don't think over is right here. I feel it should probably be of.


    That was all I could find, and on the whole it read quite well (if a little confusingly). I think it's very good considering it isn't your native language, but I would suggest that sometimes less can be more; using a simpler word can often be a better choice than using a more complicated word/series of words. Hope that helps :)
     
  3. Fuentes
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    Fuentes New Member

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    After doing some research, this is what I found.

    Monopolistic competition is a common market form. Many markets can be considered monopolistically competitive, often including the markets for restaurants, cereal, clothing, shoes and service industries in large cities.

    Monopolistically competitive markets have the following characteristics:

    There are many producers and many consumers in a given market.
    Consumers have clearly defined preferences and sellers attempt to differentiate their products from those of their competitors; the goods and services are heterogeneous, usually (though not always) intrinsically so.[citation needed]
    There are few barriers to entry and exit[1].
    Producers have a degree of control over price.

    It is bascially what I meant.

    Thank you very much Banzai!
     
  4. Fuentes
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    Fuentes New Member

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    The thing that really concerns me now, does it make any sense? if is clear enough to understand?
     
  5. Banzai
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    Banzai One-time Mod, but on the road to recovery Contributor

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    Oh, right. I understand now what you meant with mono political aggression, in which case it should be monopolistic agression.

    Other than that, aside from being a little convoluted, I think it's fine.
     
  6. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    banzai's edit is right on target and quite thorough...

    as for how it reads, i agree it's too convoluted... and too boring, sorry to say... it's too much like a lecture in an economics class and not enough like a story anyone will want to read... i strongly suggest you do away with the lecture and just insert whatever bits of info the reader really needs to know into the story itself, in a more reader-friendly way...
     
  7. KastOff
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    KastOff New Member

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    Well I can give you one piece of advice - don't ever spell "Writing" as "Writting"

    :D
     

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