I am having a hard time writing lately. Have a lot going on and it's hard to focus on one task. I am thinking this is normal sometimes with writing, so I'm not being hard on myself for it... But I miss it. I miss putting down into words whatever comes to mind. I know I should set aside a specific time to write, but if in that moment I'm having a difficult time, I just don't do it... Therefore keeps getting put off.
I'm hoping the skills I'm learning every week for personal purposes, will give me more spare mental time to actually be able to write again on a normal basis. I'm missing writing on my autobiography too, but that Creates mental stress, so that's on hold as well.
I know I just need to be patient and it will flow when ready, but it's hard not to miss it.
I'm tired. Always putting in everything, always getting practically nothing in return. It hurts and I'm tired of giving my all... I have nothing left to give. Always left behind or put second to most and other things. I'm alone and lonely..
Something's gotta give
My close personal friend wrote this for me
It hugs tighter than all things.
It consumes my aching heart.
It tears at my soul seeking to swollow me whole.
It breaks me down, tells me I'm not worthy.
It weighs on my shoulders and follows me around.
It's black and thick and hard to breathe.
It hurts my heart, I know I'm better than this loneliness.
It leaves me shaking and vulnerable and scared.
It takes over when it wants, and cares not for my suffering.
I ache in my heart for something I fear I'll never have.
I ache in my soul feeling unworthy.
Loneliness is a real bitch...
I'm sitting on my front porch this afternoon watching the rain fall in a steady stream as it hits the ground. It looks as though it would be soft hitting my skin. The clouds have been low all day, as in lying in waiting for it's companion to show up and follow through with a promise of a wet ending to a gloomy day.
The air is thick and heavy with fog, and the humidity is high causing a small struggle to breathe, which is normal in this region of the country. The smell in the air is fresh when the occasional breeze hits, and I take a deep breath letting the cool air fill my lungs. As I sit here my eyes look around and notice that there is still so much green around for being the end of the year. The fact it was snowing in my front yard last week makes the green a welcome sight. It was the first real snow in around ten years at least. It set the stage for Christmas, but was melted by lunch. Now here I am breaking a sweat as I sit here`72 and raining just a few days later.
I'm grateful I live where I do. The nature here is beautiful, and the palm trees line the highways. The sun shines most of the year and I am blessed. And even as the rain falls, I can't help but be thankful for my life. Yes I've struggled. But who hasn't? I am no different. I am still learning to see the good even through all the bad. This time of year is hard for many, myself included. I can do nothing but take each day in, learn from it's lessons (Or try to anyway), and move forward into tomorrow hoping for better than yesterday.
I will continue to sit here on my porch, watching the rain fall and listening to the sounds of life moving around me. Content in this moment. Content in this space and time. Realizing that life moves forward with a purpose of living and survival...
I will continue to do just that.
Blessings to all who are struggling.
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