Jessicka Fodera. (Jack off Jill - don't bother with her new band, their music is bland) Untill about 30 mins ago, I absolutely Idolised her looks. I loved her 'Big is beautiful' attitude and her cute plump face and big eyes. I thought she was amazing. She even referred to herself as a 'Zaftig Cherub and proud' - Zaftig meaning a pleasently plump woman and cherub of course meaning a chubby, rosey-cheeked angel. I thought that was so cool - I even called myself A Zaftig cherub a few times, even though I was nowhere near as big as her. Then, after people compared me to her in the pic thread, I was very pleased and felt very pretty, So I thought, 'Hey, I haven't look anything up on her new band in ages...' So I did, and what do I find? Some skinny SHELL of a woman with a very different nose. She looks horrible. Ugly. She's lost all her sexiness. She made ME feel good about myself. She made me believe that being a size 16 is gorgeous. She made me believe that SHE believed that too, but I was clearly wrong. I can't believe she's conformed. And she HAS conformed - she now dresses, weighs, and has surgey just like all the celebrities that she critiscized. She looks like any old girl now. It's not the weight so much but the falseness. She still promotes 'Big is beautiful' and yet she no longer represents that - she's bone thin now and her nose looks VERY much like it's had surgery, which sickens and saddens me. Ugh. I feel like my Idol's just betrayed me, and I can't believe I only just found out. This sucks. Oh- and the latest thing she did was appear on 'Germany's next top model' with Heidi Klum. What the heck has happened?!
On April the 12th 2009 (last sunday- easter sunday in fact) I became a woman. Officially, that is. I dont mean to say that I haven't felt, or acted like a woman since I was about 12, though I have flown off the handle a few times (as it is within my teenaged right to do so!). Being eighteen somehow feels different, though I cannot think exactly why...maybe moving on to different things and being in a trusting relationship has made me wiser. I really do love Matthew. It isn't this pretentious 'love' that is declared just because it's expected of a relationship, or a long-term relationship atleast. This one is for real. I feel love for him in every sense of the word. The other day, I cried because I thought that somebody had taken advantage of his good nature, and it hurt my heart physically just thinking of somebody walking all over him just because he's the nice guy. When I see those big, beautiful green eyes glowing back at me, my heart throbs with love for him. Every moment spent with him is heaven. He treats me like his princess. He really is a true gentlemen. Kind, loving, affectionate, sweet, handsome, and an absolute genius. For my birthday he wrote me an absolutely beautiful poem on the back of one of my favourite photos of us. It was in my favourite poetry style, too! (Haiku), and it was written as a sort of story of our relationship so far. He also gave me a beautiful fountain pen, to symbolise my love for writing, and I shall use that for all my note-taking from now on. He then took me to a lovely spanish restaurant, and I stayed at his house all week (we were alone! yay!) and he drove me around everywhere, taking me out to all kinds of places.. As if that wasn't sweet enough, he'd planned a birthday surpirise for me. It was a trip to the city of love - paris! It rained that day, but we didn't care - it was our special day together and I loved every second of it. We had lunch in at a lovely place, and we both bought hand-made notebooks and chocolates. He also bought me a gorgeous rockabilly handbag from this really cool shop in paris, as yet another birthday gift! Honestly, when it comes to romance Matty is far too generous with his money - he's always treating me. Not that I dont treat him But he is also generous with his heart. He is genuinely kind and good hearted, and treats everybody with smiles and respect. Some people think they can take advantage of that, or hurt him, or use him - but not anymore. Not while I'm around. There is nothing I wouldn't do to protect my Matthew - and maybe he doesn't always need my protection, but it's there, and always will be. All this was just for me on my birthday, and even when it isn't my birthday, he seems to do nothing but give, both emotionally and physyically and...magically. I feel so utterly spoiled - I just dont deserve somebody as amazing, sweet and giving as him... I mean, i'm not saying that love is just an emotional thing either (and it certainly isn't all about presents and gifts -matty is very loving and affectionate, and that's all i need) - it's expressed verbally and physically, but only ever really felt deep down inside. Even still, every passionate night spent with him is absolute heaven; I love every moment of it, and spending whole nights entwined with him and his beautiful body is the most perfect thing i've ever experienced. We cook together, go out together, write together, fall asleep together, make love, laughter, beautiful memories, photographs...god, even arguments are blissful because they're totally about our love. Now that i'm home and he's due back at univeristy, I already feel like i've been split in half. Living with him is absolute bliss - I never get tired or annoyed with being around him 24/7 - ever. And that certainly isnt like me, haha. Even though I know i'll be back with him this weekend (My baby travels down every weekend just to be with me :redface: even though he's so busy) I still feel like the better half of me is missing. My bed will be very lonely tonight. Even showering on my own feels odd, because he isnt there with me, washing my hair or being all cute and naughty. Doing normal things without him just feels lonely. But I know I have all these beautiful thoughts, memories, photo's and such to remind me of the wonderful times we have together, and remind me that i'll be seeing him again in just a few days. He's made this the most amazing birthday and four months that i've ever had in my life, and I hope with all my heart that I get to have many, many more with him. Despite what anyone else thinks of me - Matthew will always love me, just as I love him. He tells me everyday...and I can truly say that's all that matters to me now.
Ever since i got into heavy metal when i was 12 years old, I have loved Metallica. The first song i heard was 'Enter Sandman' and ever since then i've listened to them through my teen years, and i've become a bigger and bigger fan throughout that time. I also grew a passionate, hot throbbing love for James Hetfield, but that's private, haha. So i'm 18 on April the 12th, and to celebrate, I got to go to see Metallica play in London for their World Magnetic tour with thier new allbum 'DEATH MAGNETIC'. Needless to say, i nearly peed my pants with excitement. I was so nervous and excited to see them for REAL. I mean i'd seen them a million times on tv and internet, but i was actually going to see them in the *flesh*. The whole journey there i just kept saying ' oh my god, we're gonna breath the same AIR as them!!' My god, the atmosphere was beautiful. I sang their songs all night long (or 'all nightmare long' if you like < metallica song.) The whole crowd was surging, it was absolutley immense. There wasn't one seat left empty. It's like the whole world turned up to express how much they loved Metallica - and i was part of it They really haven't lost their touch. I dont believe they ever had, despite what some irritating so called 'fans' might say. Well, I've seen them live and they were amazing, and i dont say that lightly either! You could tell they loved what they do, they were so involved. They spent a whole HOUR over time to give people encors, and at the end all these Metallica beach balls floated down from the ceiling and people were hitting them like volley-balls Then they threw pics out into the audience! Although i had a pretty good spot in the crowd (seated, but on the floor just to the right of the stage) I unfortunately didnt get either of the goodies. Jamesy spoke to the crowd, as did Lars, and you could see their passion in their performance, you really could. I'm so proud to call myself a fan of theirs, there really is no band better on the planet. They're so close and tight knit, they work together so hard and come out producing astounding shows like that! 25 years and they're still going strong as ever. It's amazing. Above the stage were these HUGE sets of lights in the shape of coffins (as seen on the Death Magnetic album) and they rotated as they played. Jamesy had this GORGEOUS spikey hairstyle with a blonde mohawk down the middle. Ooohh he's beautiful! They even had their famous exploding pyrotechnic effects, and my god it was so amazing during Master of Puppets when everyone sang the chorus with him and all these flames exploded into the air and the lights were red! It was like a rock show in hell except it felt like heaven. We even FELT the wave of heat roll over us when the flames went up - it was so impressive. I adore Metallica. They're dedicated, passionate, extremely talented men, and I would pay to see them time and time again. What an amazing 18th birthday present! I'll remember this all my life. I also got to see Machine Head, who were the support band for Metallica, and although i know they're world famous and very popular i'd never really gotten into their music before, so this was my first time hearing them, let alone seeing them live. They were pretty kick arse! Alot of the standing crowd were big fans of them already. But to be honest, they could never compare to Metallica. They just didnt have that veteran *connection* that Metallica have. Metallica played all my favourites, and yes, that includes 'Nothing else matters' - one of the most beautiful songs ever made, and he sang like an angel. How he can sing so well live like that i'll never know. I guess that's what you get from 25 years of being the most amazing, talented, influential band on the planet. James, Lars, Kirk, Rob - I dont need to say this - but i am SO happy i got to see you live!!! It was the best present ever. I LOVE YOU METALLICA!
I'm sooo happy because i've just got back from a brilliant trip away with my boyfriend to stay at his uni and see brighton. He took me ALL the way back on the train, (then a load of underground trains cos most were closed) and then the train back to mine. He lugged my suitcase all the way from uni, through brighton, through london, til we got in the car home. He spent two hours at my house and then got on the train to do the entire journey back to uni again. All just to make sure i got home safe. He also got up early every day to go and make me breakfast while i slept, and cuddled me to sleep every night. I'm the luckiest girl in the world. I had such an amazing time. I'm sad because he's gone back now, but i'm so unbelievably happy that we had such a great time!! Ooohh i'm so lucky to have him to look after me! As for the university, i really loved it. everything you need is on campus and it's just so easy and non-threatening. It's really opened my eyes and I think that when I start uni myself in september i'll be alright. It's amazing to think that my whole relationship with Matt did in fact start because of my worries about going away to university. If he didnt care enough to help me with it and befriend me, we wouldn't have gotten feelings for eachother and fallen in love. I have so much to thank you for Matty, I love you with all my heart! So i've officially had the Uni experience well, minus the lectures but that's only cos i was too scared to go to one even though Matt insisted lol. Welll..it's law!! Scary stuff, haha. Anyway, Brighton was beautiful and Matt took me for many calorific meals and days out and I met his mum, dad, and grandma and went out with them for a massive plate of pancakes and to see the cliffs. It was fantastic, they're really lovely people. It went so well I even got invited to go see football at Wembley with them! So, this week couldn't have been more perfect. Yay for great times!!
A bit of both i'd say. So next week, i'm spending a week at my boyfriends univeristy and we'll be celebrating Valentines day on monday as opposed to saturday, because he has to be at a wedding. Not only has that DREADFUL time of the month arrived smack bang on the week i'm supposed to be seeing him, but i've gone and somehow given myself Impetigo. Ugh. So, I'm spotty, moody, angry, bloated to the resemblance of a toad, and I now have scabby patches on my cheeks. Plus the roots of my hair are coming through and I have no bloody clothes to wear, or shoes. I'm a mess. I've missed the best part of two weeks of school because my face looks awful and I cant wear makeup to cover it because I need to let it heal, and *apparently* it's highly contagous. (LOL -It was actually bad excema as a result of stress. How funny) Luckily it's going down now so hopefully i wont look too frightful. I just cannot believe my luck. Or lack of good luck atleast. My mood swings are awfull at the best of times, so they're terrible right now. I'm pretty much ready to kill. Whether that be an unlucky victim or myself right now is another matter entirely.
Is beautiful. He is beautiful. ..and he makes ME feel beautiful. Nobody has ever managed that before. I mean sure, people have said things like that...but this is different. He makes me feel...desired. When he tells me he loves me, I actually believe him. I believe that he thinks i'm beautiful. To quotea very nice song - he's my 'part time lover and full time friend'. The best friend ive ever had. But he's more than that now, and i love him to death. I really do matty. It feels like half of me is missing when you leave me. Though you never leave me, do you? Somehow, I feel you're always with me, and I know you feel the same. You know, even when he's down, or angry; he's always got time for someone else. Always. He's my beautiful, bright ray of sunshine.
Ooohh, Today is a good day. So what If it started off a little rubbish? When Dad told me he was feeling too sick to take me to the open day at middlesex uni after all (Which i'd been looking forward to), inside me, my intuition bubbled. I knew there'd be a reason why I'd go to school today instead of the open day. I'd been awaiting results from a suprise genre paper exam that'd been sprung on those of us studying English Language, and for once we'd not been given the three texts in a previous lesson for annotations and guidance from our tutor. They were given to us totally fresh and unread, and we had two hours in which to annotate all three texts and write a comparative analysis of them with a linguistic approach (of course, it being english language 'n' all) So, I'd written about six pages, though I was concious of the fact that i'd spent far too much time on Text A, spent an 'okay' amount of time on Text B and barely scraped anything from Text C having run out of time. Silly me, but oh well. Today, My results came back; I'd gotten the best mark in the class! I got an A! AN A! wahoo!! I'm SO sick of B's! I pretty much squealed with delight. Sure, a certain so called 'friend' had a face like thunder (She's adament that she's far more intelligent than the rest of us, despite the fact that she revises for 4 hours every night and still manages to produce an average C, if not lower.) but most of my friends were congratulating me! He even embarressed me in front of the class by saying how well I'd done. He said my analysis was excellent all the way through! Of course I went bright red, but still. That was my first A this term and i'm so pleased! If I do this well again in June, then I might just get an A over all for English at A-level. Not bad for someone who barely turns up to school, eh?! (Seriously. I'm constantly missing lessons) My course work came back too, I got a B+, and I'd already anticipated that he'd ask for more scenery description to get a higher mark; i'd attempted a new, more simplistic technique, so I knew he'd perhaps expect a little more imagery (which i'd usually deliver). Still, for a first draft that's cool with me, I'll get it up to an A easily enough now. I know it sounds like i'm boasting, but i'm really not. I'm just so happy! But you know what? Sod anyone who thinks i'm being big headed. I've done well and i'm bloody proud of myself; despite any so called friends who sit there with a face like thunder just because their friends have done better than they could. Blegh, let her stew. Speaking of stew, I had that for dinner! Wahey. Today has been great!
Where do I start? Six months ago, things were different. Very different. Boring, yes; but normal atleast. Ever since Grandad became ill, I've endured that 'growing up' change that I feel i've been avoiding. (More like hiding from under a rock!). Although i've always been a mature lass, the time has come when I realise how much i take for granted. My Family being happy, days drifting by, minor arguments, little things. Everything has changed. I've always dreaded the day that I must face the loss of my grandparents, and now it's here, and it's been here for months and will continue to stay for months on end...Cancer is so cruel. Can I honestly face it? I envy my young cousin; she's totally oblivious to the fact that he's slowly slipping away from us. Oh, He's coping amazingly well...not to mention Nanny; she's been brave for all of us. My mum has too, of course; She never cries in front of him, but it's so hard to see her cry when she's home with me. I'll hold her and tell her it's alright, but what can I do? She's losing her father, and I'm losing my lovely Grandad. It seems like nothing can change that. I barely see my mum anymore. My mother and aunts/uncles take turns in staying the night there incase he has one of his turns and Nanny's left alone to deal with it. Suddenly, I just dont want to grow up. I'm 18 soon, things are supposed to be looking up for me..and yet somehow, I always knew this would be a bad year for my family. Things have a way of working out, I know. I was with a guy before that frankly couldnt care less about my feelings or my family. A selfish, spoiled, pathetic individual he was. At my worst, he left me, without even a goodbye. I deserved better. I'll be honest, he was a substitute for something so much better. A poor, ridiculous excuse for a substitute at that....I just needed a friend; In him I found an enemy. About...2 and 1/2 months ago, I met an angel. It didnt take me long to realise that he's the one i've been waiting for; someone to talk to, to trust. Someone who really cared for me, someone I could truly love. I do, I love him; he's there for me rain or shine, always by my side, making me smile. He fits perfectly into my family, gets on with them, makes them laugh; makes me laugh! He's my ray of sunshine, god knows what I'd do without him now. A million life lessons have been learned in so little time for me, this year...but, you know what? Love beats the bad in everything. Family, friends, and My angel x