There was a little girl who played under the trees while dreaming in her private world of make believe. She dreamed of having a life all her own, serving tea to the dolls who would one day become her family and friends. As she grew older she would continue to dream beneath the trees which stood behind her home. Climbing to the top of their branches she would think about who she might one day become. Often times, looking up into the sky, she would pray that she would be this truly remarkable person she envisioned. Through many years of dreaming and waiting, she became a grown woman. Those dreams remained as she married and had children. Sadly, life took it's true course and as the days turned into years she lost sight of that little girl. Yet this child was forever with her. One day, while spending time alone, that child came to visit through several bittersweet memories. She was still wide eyed and her curly blond hair fell across her shoulders. The woman looked at her and realized she had missed this little girl. Then the strangest thing happened, all of those dreams washed over this woman's heart and soul. Through tears she knew she had lost touch with the most essential part of herself. Those dreams where just as important today as they were back then. This woman is me and that little girl still dreams inside of me. I hope that when I am old and time has dimmed my eyes, I can say that I lived a good life and everything I desired for myself was true and honest. It is my desire that those who love me most will know I lived this life well and it was an awesome ride. I dream that when I close my eyes in final rest, this little girl will come and take my hand leading me to the place where all dreams come true as we dream forever. It isn't childish to dream, it is foolish to take life so seriously we miss out on the magic of being alive.
So here I stand, weighing the balance of what is important to me and what is important to my friends and family. I am so tired of being the one standing on the outside, standing alone. For the most part, I keep my personal political views private. I do this because I get so much flack for being a liberal independent. I am neither for one side or the other, therefore, it is hard for me to choose sides just for the sake of being identified as this or that. I am for people and what is in their best interest, as well as my own. However, because I am not a "conservative" I am somehow less American? I am some how less important because I am not an out right left wing liberal? I don't argue politics, actually, I deplore it. It is a complete waste of my time and the person arguing. If it doesn't help, then it isn't worth the salt in your bread. This has put me in the crossfire. I am a great supporter of the Healthcare Reform here in the US. I am also, involved in a local group, Jacksonville Healthcare Reform. I make no apologies as I feel that people have the right to be insured for many reasons. Those that fill my life do not want it and that is their right. So why make my life hell as a result of their choice? Division today doesn't seem like the answer, why should I say that I am a left winger when, in fact, I am not. Just to say, I am liberal causes those I love to shudder in disbelief. They wont share important events with me because they believe I will not be interested. This is unfair, I care about what is happening. I care about what they feel, yet time and again I am disrespected for my point of view. So, my question...is it important to be on a "side"? Is there anything wrong with being on the fence? I have never thought so, it allows one to think objectively about what is happening around them. It keeps the lines open for communication. Should I mention my grandmother wants me to write an article for her, against the Healthcare Reform? I said, it would be a contradiction of what I believe. Yeah, that went over well.
When life moves along, we just go with it. We go to work, pay our bills, take care of our needs and those of our family. Seldom do we stop to analyze what we are actually doing, it is a simple act of existence and doing the right thing. I have been going through the motions for so long, I have allowed myself to become entangled with chains and cords. The reason is simple, I just keep moving forward as I try and maintain my pace with living. Whenever something unexpected happens, I'll make this decision or that, reaching for whatever I feel will make me more balanced. My internal closet is filled with too much baggage and too many weights. Tonight I realize this is no way to live. True joy wont be found until I sift through the junk to find what is truly of value. I am leaving for awhile, I need to take some time to sort out my feelings and rediscover myself again. I have worn a weary smile for far too long now. I'm not really sure what that means. I am not sure if I will be back here again, or if I will inevitably say goodbye. There is nothing worse than not knowing yourself. There is nothing worse than bringing others down with you. I am treading waters that I fear are going to overtake me and if I don't grab hold of something true and steady, I will drown for certain. The thing is, I am strong, I know that I am. I have had to be strong my whole life. Some people are born to be over comers, others are given an easier path. I will not go down quietly, I will not give into what is nothing more than a darkened path. Honestly, I can't honestly say when I last saw light. There have been glimpses of it but as I approach its warmth, it simply vanishes into darkness once more. Much thought has been given to this decision, so many things have been weighed in the balance of what is important. I only need give myself the time to be selfish for a bit as I listen to my internal voice. This means shutting out the noise screaming so loudly in my head. Too many voices of family and friends, some who mean well, others who mean ill will. It is all too much right now. This has truly been an arduous year for me. So many mountains have been climbed, so many dry places have been crossed. I am tired, and worn from my journey. I am searching for rest...I need to close my eyes and just let it all go. I need some time alone.
Today is turning out to be a good day. Some nice surprises have opened up for me and I am always happy to receive something new. Every new opportunity is another door closing as the new door opens. There is something so healing and renewing by this process. I discover new strengths as I gain a greater awareness. Somethings are changing for the good...I am thinking about my life and what I want in this world of mine. I am also considering those things I don't want in it. Everyone here knows I always tend to give up way too much of myself. It seems that I offer up everything and receive so little to my own detriment. The crazy thing is, I have been okay with that. But you know, I don't think so anymore, I don't think I can afford the cost. I have a strong will to push through and make something positive out of the negative. Tomorrow is going to be a new day...tomorrow I am going back into a world I thought was behind me, I am excited for it...I hope it turns out well. The door is open as I step over the threshold.
When it comes to playing in this game of life, we sit excitedly at the table as the cards are dealt. We wonder, will I be a winner or will I lose? Fanning out our cards, we immediately begin to take into account the risk of the bet. How high can I raise and still come out on top, or at the least call it even? Chancing it all, we place our bets...and secretly hold our breath. But sometimes life deals us a bad hand, we fan open the cards to find nothing and then realize this round is going to cost us something, if not everything. Do we bet, or call "check", will we fold or raise? Today, I am paying a high price for playing at this table. I knew it was going to be an expensive gamble, I knew I might not have enough to pay out...but I took my chances. The cards were so sweet in the beginning, I was flying with Kings and Queens, Hearts and Diamonds. The bets were rising and the pots were increasing. It was a fun game, full of hopes and dreams of winning big. One by one I discreetly placed my cards careful not to show my hand...careful not to be without an Ace. Ahh...the Ace, a very important card. It is often by this card, if the rules are right, you will win or lose. It is by this card fortunes are made and lost. But my Aces were showing, fate saw that I was vulnerable. With each hand I played another Ace, and with each hand I was closer to loss. When the game was over I sat there and looked around, no more Aces, no wild cards, I had nothing. Everything I loved about it had turned sour and ugly. Looking inward, I saw myself and didn't like me much. I was ragged and worn, broke and hollow. It was difficult to see that I was losing myself. Every move I made, every decision I put into motion, surround that table of cards. People I loved took a backseat to the game. It always came first. A most regretful mistake. Not only did I take a chance with my heart, I gambled the stability of others and never once could I see it. The dealer was in control, I was more than happy to play along. Riding high and falling hard. Truth be told, I wouldn't have stopped if someone had warned me. I was having too much fun. Looking around me now, I see the cards scattered across a green felt table of dying memories and lifeless dreams. A few pieces of change lie dusty on the floor. Where did everyone go? The dealer is gone, the other player is gone and I sit here broke and alone. Lessons in life can take us far if we only will learn from it. If we only allow ourselves to feel something, anything but numb. As I pushed my chips forward and realized I was down to my last hand, I hoped against hope I was wrong. But passion and coincidence tells me I'm not. My gut instinct was not to trust the dealer, not trust the player, and not to trust myself. But I didn't heed my own internal warning. When you have placed your own heart into the gamble, it's hard to be open to anything less than a dreamers dream. I am still sitting at this table, I am still hoping for a good game...but maybe I'll just wait this one out and play again when I'm ready. When I'm smart enough to step away when my chips are down..
This is for those who have offered me a kind word, or gentle advice. Thank you so much for being a friend. Life is easier when we have others to help lighten the load. If you haven't and you are thinking, "Oh, God...why does she keep writing these things?" Please don't read it, it's not for or about you anyway. ~Everyone believes they know what they can handle. It is easy to say, "I know what I can and can't take", but it is harder to prove it. My time on this Earth has been both joyous and deeply dark and void. What I thought I could fight, brought me to my knees. What I thought I couldn't battle, I conquered. Along the way I have held everything and gained nothing, lost it all and received more than I imagined. Sometimes to gain we have to lose. I never really thought I would fall so far and lose so much, but it happened and left me confused. My hope and dreams have been that of determination and wishful thinking. We can sit around and wait for something magical to happen or we can move forward and make it happen. It will take patience and so much love for the vision, it will take a strong will and set mind. I know because I am in that place now. The truth is, we are in control of who we are, sometimes this fact comes with a sacrifice. I might in time have to give up a few things and people...most likely will. It is going to hurt, but I have to be strong enough to trust it will make me stronger. Who I am is hidden in games and fantasy, a world so far from me. I have unknowingly allowed others to wrap me up into their own pleasure, their own design. What we see for ourselves isn't always envisioned by those who know us and say they love us. I had to face this knowing and come to terms with why I am so unhappy. I have allowed myself to be controlled by other people. I can't do this any longer. It is time I begin to take back my life, the one that I am entitled, it is our right to live freely after all. There is a gypsy inside of me and she lives free and easy. She will dream of stability and run to Cape Cod, dig roots in Florida and dream of Italy. She might be weary but she will smile in spite of it. When her heart is breaking, she still believes in love. She is tenacious and full of spirit with an insatiable desire for life. There are those who will be waiting for me to come and join them in the facade I once called my life, but I wont show. There will be those who have sat me in the corner until they needed me, I wont be there when they call my name. Life is coming together now, for me and my inner gypsy. It is funny,a lot of what I thought I needed isn't even a second thought. For I have found the courage to look inside of my heart and trust what I see. If only I could convey this sense of freedom and relief. There is joy in the making, I am looking down my path with anticipation as it all comes together.
The morning light is mellow as it struggles to break through the surrounding clouds. Light has given voice to the trees and last remaining flowers. There is a feeling of change and weathered leaves seem to echo this fact. My, how fast the Summer has gone. Last year I was in a place I truly loved, a place that gave inspiration to my creativity. This can't be said of where I am today. So why did I come back here? Was it worth the cost I seem to have paid? In a word, "No". This is how lessons are learned. There is no sense in regretting decisions already made. I have made them, and good or bad, right or wrong, I must be true to those roads I chose to travel. The journey of life can be an arduous one, it leads you down so many places. Should I take this turn or perhaps, wait for the next one up ahead? Each road leads to another and then another and before you know it you have lived out the time given you. It is important to remember, it isn't always the choices we make which define our lives, but how well we handled the bumps and wrong turns. Today, as new light reveals the promise of a new day, I am faced with another choice in the road. This one is tricky as it could alter everything I know. Carefully I weigh it out, all the while time is moving against me. Stepping in the right direction is crucial to my future.
Tonight, I got a phone call from my oldest son. During a simple medical exam for his flight quals, the doctor discovered he has a heart condition. It is called Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome. He has had some trouble with a little pain off and on, dizziness, heart fluttering. I had no idea it was this serious. I just always thought he would finish his time in the Coast Guard, stay in aviation, and live out his life. Now, he has lost his ability to fly and he is facing possible heart surgery. He is scheduled to see a team of Heart specialists in Boston. Thinking back, I can remember the day that lovely being came into this world. He was six weeks early and weighed right at five pounds. he was tiny and small. Paul was a smart baby, he was reading complete children's books at three years old. His IQ in fourth grad was that of the average 10th grade high school student. The school board wanted to put him through some special testing, but he didn't want it and his father and I didn't push it. He just wanted to be a normal boy. There are so many memories I have, but I guess my favorite is the night before he left for Basic. We had a habit of talking late at night outside while sitting on the tailgate of his truck. This particular night, the sky was a light show of stars. There were so many of them. We laid back on a sleeping bag, and just looked up at those stars. We had been laughing about some of his crazy stunts like grilling breakfast, with his friends, on the roof of his High School band room during his Senior year, playing car tag, and the day I was playing catch with him before a game, he missed the pop ball and it smacked him right in the forehead. He laughed because I wouldn't throw ball with him for a couple of weeks after that. Several moments of silence fell between us when he reached over and took my hand, he never looked at me. He simply said, "Mom, you and I are never going to get old, we are going to stay like this forever." That is the most precious memory I have. I find it surprising the things you remember when someone you love is at risk. My heart is hurting, not because he has this syndrome, but because I haven't any idea what tomorrow might bring. I don't know if he will get married, have children, see his grandchildren. I don't know. Odds are good, he will be fine. But then there's that nagging thought...what if he isn't. I don't know...
Why is it that I'll say a thing and then get completely angry with myself for it. I mean I have control over my tongue, right? I am an adult here, aren't I? I blew it this afternoon. I gave into a part of myself I'd rather not see, a side of myself that is dark and ugly. In a moments time I opened up the door and let this darkness out and it took control of my mouth. What I said to my brother was spiteful and venomous. It was low and very nasty. I am ashamed that I disrespected our relationship in the presence of our mother. I am sorry I degraded his masculinity. I had no right to say the things I have spoken. No matter how hurt or how angry I was, by raising myself high enough to lower him was wrong. I am sitting up, warm in my bed. Those words I spoke are haunting me. If only I could take them back...if only I had chosen to walk away and not allow myself to become weakened by anger. It isn't like he wont forgive me, we made amends before we said goodbye. Still, I know what I said penetrated his heart. I should have been smarter. My better sense let me down. Tonight, I can't take back the words I've spoken.
There are times when I do everything right, and there times when I don't. And it's funny, I never know if I am good Chim or not so good Chim. It really depends upon your point of view. Recently I have been MIA. Those of you who know me, know that I have had a lot of big life stuff going on. Trying to balance it all has proven arduous. I keep thinking that I can please myself and everybody else, even though I know it's just not possible, and yet I continue to believe the lie. I traded my identity for that of a greater expectation. Stayed home, left the computer for only bill paying and such, stopped cursing, quit smoking, didn't go out for drinks, and dressed more "mature". I was MISERABLE. In doing everything that I thought was "responsible" I lost myself. Upon returning home from some alone time, I realized that I haven't written anything in over six months. Nothing, not even a private thought. So, I truly believe I am at my worst when I am not true to myself. A mistake I am sure not to be making anytime soon.
Destiny, is it real...is it truth? Does it even exist? I wonder, as I have found myself walking along another new path. Things change like the weather for me...or so it seems. I turned another corner and there was a friend waiting to lead me into rooms I have only dreamed of. A North wind blows and I lean in as I listen to it call. It calls like a lover's voice. Will I heed or fall back, leaning into the arms of what is safe and sound? I can't begin to imagine another life...I can't begin to fathom another change. Still, change has begun and I am thinking about something different...something rare. Dare I share what is stirring beneath me? No, but I can say that it is wonderful and new. Completely captivating as it pulls me in and breathes life into my body and soul. What shall I make of this new path, so exotic and unique? I guess, nothing stays the same...but I know what I know and I feel what I feel. Nothing lasts forever, and I should know in time this too will wane as the days carry into months, into years. But, I am a dreamer and I believe that our worlds are as strong as we make them.
So...it's early and I am awake. The crickets are still chirping. LOL Hmmm...anyway, I am alone with my thoughts at the moment. The phone wont start blowing up for at least another hour and I have all of my chores done...I was busy. I feel the need to unload my thoughts, this is something I used to do while writing my Morning Pages on a regular basis, but, over time has gotten away from. It is quite therapeutic, raw, honest, and rare. I just write my thoughts without stopping...here goes. I am listening to Norah Jones sing Sun Rise, how fitting...this is how I got the idea for my title. I might make it a standing tradition...maybe. My flighty mind will jump from one idea to another, so, I don't expect it to stand. My mind is running this morning, running from my kids, to my ex husband...who needs to settle down...my ex fiancé, who needs to get laid, and my family. My family...I hope they are well, everything I am is due to them...and a certain friend who shall remain nameless. A certain friend, who for the life of me is drifting. I wonder how long we can hold on to our friendship? Sometimes letting of something is the only way you can grow. I should know, I have let go of a lot lately. Or so it seems. (The workers are here to start renovation on my house. Please God, give me strength.) The one constant thought that continues to haunt me is the fact that I have nobody to have fun with. I have no one to share my day with. I have no one to laugh with over stupid stuff. I realize I miss making strawberry or blueberry pancakes on a Saturday morning and sharing them and coffee, in bed with my lover. I miss slow dancing in the living room, or reading quietly by the fire, while my other is reading the paper, or sleeping soundly beside me. I miss walks on the beach after the tourists are gone. I know it will come again, I am sure I will not be alone forever...but, I miss it now...this moment. Those are the things I took for granted when times were good, sadly, the bad times washed out those fantastic moments. I am reminded of a song by Vince Gill..."Let's Make Sure We Kiss Goodbye". In it he sings about how fast things can change in a relationship, how quickly our emotions can run shallow. We should hold on as long as we can, making it the best we can. The workers parked and left...thank God. So, all is quiet again. Perfect...I sip my coffee. I wonder how this day go? I wonder what wonderful things I will discover and what will remain with me when the day is through? Life can be exciting. I always tend to focus on the bad...I am learning to find joy in the tiny good things....they are what carries us through. My new friend is turning out to be an absolute delight, a new facet is being cut into me and I am quite happy for it. I love how interesting people heighten our sense of all things new. I love how we never know who we are going to meet one day to the next. The connection is always an exciting ride. My thoughts are flowing, weaving a tale of who I am...like ribbons dancing in the wind. Ribbons, hmmm...a dear friend once called me that...my how the years do fly.
I recently met someone who, through only a small scattering of words, caused me to think of a few things from a new direction. Now I should say, this is strictly a friendship, and nothing more. What's important is, this chance meeting sparked these written thoughts as I was thinking about how honest friendships are formed. ~ I wonder as we pass, should I turn and ask your name? Should I just give a shy smile, pull my sweater closer around me and keep in perfect step as I make my way? My mind is racing as we move closer...one step, two steps, your face is hidden, three steps, are you looking my way, four steps...hmmm...another step and we will be face to face. What if you see too much inside of me...what if I give too much away? Who can know how loudly the unsaid speaks? Who can say what is surmised from a gentle smile and a kind hello? When faced with a new situation it is always my instinct to run and hide away. My fear and disappointment always wins out. I can never be certain just who is in control of my better sense. A cool chill runs through my body as the early Autumn wind blows against me. Looking ahead you are standing there. I am looking into your eyes...it is as if you are thinking the same things that I am thinking. "Hello" I manage to say. Quietly, you look from my face to the sidewalk ahead. What happens next...it hasn't been said. Life is teetering on this one moment, for everything I know could either be changed or stay exactly the same. A single word has the power to create a shift in the dynamics of my world. Will you say it? Will you take a chance and speak or mumble a slight salutation or will you move quietly past, as if you never saw me. Friendships...relationships are built upon truths and honesty. Nothing good can come from a non-truth. Lies are painfully hard to overcome and even harder to fade away. They tend to linger in the background even once they have been revealed. Thus, we shy away from what we aren't certain of...you know,those things which confuse and befuddle our rational thinking minds. So, sweetest stranger on this street of life...what will it be? Do we take a chance on a nice friendship...or do we simply smile, nod and move on our way? I wonder...what shall become of this meeting?
It seems every so often I am learning a little bit more about myself and what I am capable of. Having always been a person with many ideas and opinions, I hold my thinking to be supream...yet, it seems that all of the things which I am so passionate about, are the very things that I find myself opposing by example. I am discovering that my head is full of illusions that are just unrealistic. My failure to follow my own guidance is a perfect example of that. While, I am enjoying being the Robin Lynn that was so lost, I am learning to embrace new feelings and truths about myself which I never wanted to see. My, how unforgiving I am of my own-self. Second chances are easier to give to others, yet quite arduous when looking in the mirror. I can say, that I have had the ability to judge myself and I now realize that the only way to move forward, is to accept all of who I am. The heart is full of contradictions and what we want to be is seldom who we find. I really am a complicated woman, who enjoys playing and given to flight when I feel like it. No ties on my ankles as much as I want to be grounded...no desire to be sated as much as I long for satisfaction. This is me, and as clever and predictable as I believe I am...Robin is only about herself. God help anyone who thinks they are strong enough to love me and hold me down. God, help me for being foolish enough to want it.
As a woman maturing rapidly, I am discovering new things about myself. This self knowledge is showing up through the strangest of circumstances. When I was younger I saw my worth through my Daddy's eyes...I carried his identity along with his last name. My life was a reflection of his rules...and thus my idea of a woman's worth was set according to the men in their life. At 18, my identity changed...I became my new husband's wife and thus gave over everything I was to him. What a sad choice I made. My faith and trust was nothing more than just a waif to him. I stuck through for far too many years...I had no identity when I finally left with my sanity barely intact. I had poured myself into his mold. How, can we know what is best for us if we have never felt it, or seen it? The answer isn't so confusing...it is there inside of us, and can be discovered by asking one simple question..."What is my worth?" After asking myself this question, I have discovered something interesting...I am worth someone who will prove himself...I am worth the chase and the pursuit. I am tired of men who never budge from the comfort of their personal space. These guys want to be the center of attention, they want to be made to feel wanted, they want to be chased, but don't even think about asking them what they are feeling or thinking...it's too much "pressure". So...what happens when we become upset by such a proclamation? They smile pretty, saying just the right thing at the right time...knowing just what those right words are to turn a girls head and keep us hanging on. I say.."screw that"...never again will I chase a guy and lower my pride for the sake of the games, relationships tend to bring out. Even if it means being alone, so be it...for, I would rather be alone with my dignity, than to be in a relationship which is constantly, emotionally draining. I am worth so much more than that. I have no idea how any of this will work out, but I do know that I am worth more than I ever realized before. I am Robin and she deserves the best.