I have wondered for a while now, why haven't I written anything. I know I should, but, life has gotten in the way and I can't seem to motivate myself around it. It is a fact, I love words and I love the process of writing...there is something sacred about the time I spend putting down those precious words. I can't really explain it...the process just makes me more complete. Honestly, I become a nicer person when I write. The art of writing is like a soothing blanket to my soul and I can feel the words dance around me and through me...often it is as if I am another person. So, why do I put off this wonderfully enriching experience? Why do I wait until I am filled with stress before I write? I don't know, but I really should give into my creativity more often than I do. Writing is the life of me...it is my identity. So many times I have discovered hidden secrets about myself through what I write. Not deliberately, mind you, but because my heart is in it...my passion. Often, I will read back through a piece and think..."God, how enlightening". There is a vulnerability to this art, and I believe, I have to be true to that honesty before my work can become real. As writers, we have been given a gift I think. A gift of discovery and observation...the ability to see through reality, what is and isn't real, and document it in our own words. This has to mean something...if not for ourselves then for somebody else. I hope I can find my way back to the disciplined side of me and give the time needed to write and mean it. You know, it isn't enough for me to jot down a few words...I have to give this art the time it deserves...the time I need if I am to become truly happy once more. It just feels good to let the words flow...as I find myself lost in the joy of writing.
~ Have you ever had one of those situations when you just throw your hands up and say, "What the hell"? Yeah, you know the ones...it's that Monday morning when you wake up in desperate need of coffee, only to discover those little grounds in the bottom of the container. Now I ask, couldn't the last person to make coffee just throw away the evidence of his or her last pot? Perhaps it was that time you were standing in line at the local grocery store, you are already five minutes late for an appointment, and the person in front of you couldn't count ten items or less. I hate these moments. Too many times I am in a situation where I have to make a choice, I can either be nice and ignore the focus of my annoyance...or I can choose to tackle it, head on. This is where I get into trouble, because, most of the time I end up tackling it and then feeling badly for the person or persons I directed my hit at. Too many times I ask myself why I couldn't just walk away. The fact is...rude people annoy me. There is no nice way to say it. I am tired of apologising for it. Everybody has room to improve, myself included. We are always growing and learning. I wish I could ignore it...but I know the next time I am out shopping and the family reunion takes place in the middle of the store aisle, which I am trying to navigate through, I am going to not so nicely inform them that I have a life and they are holding it up. The rest of my day will be spent torturing myself for not being able to hold back my frustration...:redface:
Today, I woke from a sound sleep. I went about my day, in spite of the fact that I knew I had to do something...something that was going to hurt someone, who I once thought loved me. I pondered the moment over and over in my mind. The talk, the let down, the look, and I thought it would be cut and dry. You know, like I would just say what needed to be said and that would be it. After all, we aren't happy and he has already begun his independent journey into his own life. I just knew I was my own emotional rock. Yeah..think again. The experience has proved to be anything but what I had imagined. There were no tears, there was no real let down...there was only silence. This very loud silence, and a river of emotion that has separated us. Two people who once laughed over pillow talk, shared secrets, and childhood memories. We now stood on opposite sides of this river, staring blankly back at each other. Why is reality always so much more different than what you expect? Even the silence was hard, awkward. Somethings never make sense...this is no exception. Through this silence I kept thinking, "What happened to get us to this point"..."Where did we loose each other?" Clearly I should not be so naive to ask these things...looking back now, it is clear. I should have said this, he shouldn't have done that. Thus, here we stand. So many thoughts in such a little space of time...am I strong enough? Can I make it? What if I fail? Can I find someone who will love me for the woman I am? In spite of it all, with my mind determined, I had too stick it out and see this break through to the end. In the up coming week we will divide what is his from what is mine. I will fly solo..and take with me, my things...my treasures...my freedom.
Who am I? A simple enough question, but one I am not sure I have the answer for. I mean, I thought knew who I was, a simple girl, born and raised in Florida. That girl really doesn't exist now...I am not so sure she ever really did. It would seem self discovery has come at quite a price...growing up isn't such a simple thing. We believe that we grow, leave home, marry and our life is set. Well, that is only a small part of it. Growing up, is an everyday, life changing experience...it never gets better and only becomes more confusing as it is pushed back for the idea that we should be happy and content where we are. I am never happy and content for very long, as I believe, for me, that my life is ever evolving...changing into something I can't see until the change comes. I am always surprised by the way it makes me feel. The dreams that are weaving in my mind and through my heart are like fireworks on the Fourth Of July...ever beautiful, always breath taking...and dangerously real. Shall I dare start a new life and give into my passion, to be free and alive? Yes, I shall. I am sure there will be days I will wonder what have I done...surely I am mad...but, my inner Chimmy will say, "This who you are Robin, embrace this new found peace, and for once try and enjoy it". I simply can't let past mistakes keep me back.