I would like to first of all offer caution to you the reader about this blog as it may cause triggers. This is not my intent. Also thank you for taking time to read this. (This means a lot to me )
The reason I’m writing this blog is because I suffer from anxiety and depression and I have done for nearly 7 years. I’m not writing this because I want people to feel sorry for me. (I’ve done enough of that myself) I’m writing this because I want to help people to understand and to be able to help people who feel the same or suffer from anxiety and depression, Even if it’s just one person that I help. This blog will be about me, what I’ve been through and what I’m going through.
(Brief background of my story)
Now before I start here, I want to say many things can cause someone to become depressed or to have anxiety attacks and I know it’s different for everyone.
But the first time I had my first panic attack it was around 2004. I had just gotten en-gaged to a wonderful girl (My dream girl). But there was a day that came when we had an disagreement about me learning to drive at the time due to money or something like that ( details like that are fuzzy for me due to my memories, which I will come to later. ) and the elastic band in my head that kept everything together snapped. I stood there like a board of wood. Blank. She tried to wake me out of my trance. But I didn’t recognize her or myself; I panicked and started to shake like I had a cold.
Shortly after that she left me and without reason. I fell apart. The depression claimed me fast, and in some ways I dwelled on it at the time. I didn’t eat, Sleep, I grew a beard that would make me look like Santa if I had white hair. Things went from bad to worse as I became a recluse and when I was dragged out in society for the first time in 3 months, people who were closed to me prayed on me for money, for their own needs when I was weak. And I wanted to please them so I gave them it all. This caused me to slip further and further down the road of depression
When things was beginning to look normal again my last partner lost our child 3 months into the pregnancy, she couldn’t cope and neither could i. I tried to hide behind work. But I bottled things up and I never spoke of it. But it made things worse my mind was screaming for help. But I abused it and silenced it. This caused me to break down in work. I made myself throw up blood I was that bad. I later had to give up work. As my panic attacks where controlling my sleeping life and my awaken life. I was a zombie. I was so bad I couldn’t type my name. The confidence went, the looks of life in my face as I turned pale and thin.
Since the then I have tired battled it with medication, friends (the last of them, literally). I’ve tired. I’ve gone through 5 shrinks. I’m now with one that has made a huge difference to my life. It’s not easy. And I know some people think depression is a cry for attention. (I’ve met those people ). But if you’re really suffering then you would wish for anything but this. It can ruin you like cancer. Some people recover. Some people don’t. I’m in the middle as I fight on. And it’s from here on I’m going to keep a diary, explaining In details an anxiety attack on a scale of 1 to 10 and how depression affects me on a daily basis. (1 being I’m good. 10 being I’m really struggling)
So here’s my dairy (there may be more moments of my past mentioned to clarify things as well… )
May 3rd 2011
Well it’s today had been very long for me, up at 6:30am to help with my grandfather’s kitchen. I say help. I’m just keeping him out the way of trouble. I had to take a 40mins bus trip to see him. Seeing school kids on the busy made me think of my high school when I was considered popular and happy. It made me sad to see that I was now a ghost of that person I was. In fact I feel more like that wass an alternate version of me, but yet that was my past. an ex girl I had a crush on, drove me to hiding on the bus as she came on. I felt like a monster or a vampire in the sun when I saw her. I hid fast and seemed to be shield by my security blanket that was my I-pod. (I feel invisible when my
music distracts my mind from the panicking)
Anxiety level 4/10
As I write this, it’s now evening. Things have calmed down a little after the start of the day. I made it from my grandfather’s to my sisters for her daughter’s 2nd birthday, which was really nice. This was the first time I had felt content today but the bus was weighing on my mind still. Dark clouds of thought were hanging on in there in the back of my head. Got home and spoke to a girl who has shown me great kindness of late and who eases my troubles. Will be bed time soon and I know my sleeping problems will return (I can’t sleep properly due to bad dreams, Panic attacks before and during a sleep cycle and even after I’ve slept. Sometimes leading to wake up depressed and staying with me until my head can deal with it.)I dread sleeping. But I will see how it goes. I have had some good nights lately. So who knows I might be lucky again.
I've just woken up, my stomach is turning again, part virus and part depression has causes this I think and that dark cloud seems to be there. Something is bothering me; something is making me unhappy. Yet i don't know what it is that’s making me this way. I’m either too stupid to work it out or Its and unknown element. I suspect a bit of both. I just feel a lingering sadness like i have been morning the loss of some one. (Which is strange as I am also happy at the same time. ) But I don’t know if it can last. The happiness I mean. ( it’s got to the point where I welcome the doom and gloom because it’s what I feel like and trust. Being happy makes me feel strange. Like I’m living a lie )
I have read some comments on my blog and I’m glad it’s being read. I
have a few things to do today. Heading to the bank soon, something I feel strange in going out these days as I don’t recognise things much. People dress differently. Talk differently. Laugh at different things. While I stayed behind to fix my own vessel that is my head. Bumping into people is my biggest fear as I hate people seeing me as I am now. I
I would do internet banking. But I need to try get out. (Although feeling sick might sway it today) I might let my fears win today and stay in. I will let you all know later on today.
Well night time has come around as it always has. Today was nice and sunny trip to the bank was hassle free which was rare. The woman at the desk talked too much, I felt strange trying to pass off a joke. When I said something like “I hope that’s real money.” As she said “I’ve got to hand you old notes, I’m sorry”. I’ve felt really low in self-confidence and self-belief today. Felt like I stood out, when people were wondering around in there t-shirts and jeans and I was wrapped up in the sun shine. (Felt cold, think my body gets that way when I’m down as well)
Later my confidence was low to the point where I struggled to read people. In their words and things they said. Like “I’m ok” in a text sounds more like “I’m bored and miserable talking to you” yet I know this isn’t the case as people say how they really feel and I knew the persons tone. Not everyone masks things as I do. Or am I wrong? I wish I didn’t feel full of doubt. But I have therapy on Friday and I have to admit I’m missing it as I feel I’m slipping. But I have had 3-4 weeks of goodness. I guess it had to come back. I just wish it wouldn’t get in the way of things in my life. I could do without this. I’m starting to get happy. But I guess the reminded is comforting to know it’s there as something depended able. Yeah that’s right I depend on it as my depression has it’s good points. I know you may be wondering WTF. But being depressed turned me hard, and made me careful of things. The walls I built around me also save me. Time to go to bed and battle my sleep demons, which I fear may keep me awake, I don’t think it’s going to be an early night for me. Good night and happy “may the fourth be with you day” (Star Wars day).
I can't sleep tonight. but i guess i haven't really tried. i'm all over the place tonight. i feel i've hurt people or upset people today for some reason. as a grown man i feel i could shed a quiet tear in a darkened room. music is playing against me with songs like you could be happy by snow patrol.
i'm writing this extra bit of blog tonight as i feel sick and i have a feeling tonight is going to be a long long night. I'm on the verge of a shutdown i feel. i'm trying to take a deep breath and focus but my mind has it in it's head that. that it shouldn't have come out of it's shell. i was a recluse for something like 5 years with the exception of the odd trips into modern life, online and offline. now i feel i want to hide again but i wont let this thing claim me. i just wonder if being depressed tonight has made me wonder about having a social life. because i feel it's so hard. I'm i alone in these thoughts. maybe, i don't know. all i know is i need that appointment soon or i might crack like and egg. ( maybe i need to let everything out ) but not like this. and not just now. I'm not ready. well i'm going to log off and try battle with my sleeping pattern. my sleep demon. wish me luck. but don't be surprised if i blog again as it helps me.
anxiety 5/10 (it's rising since my last blog an hour or 2 ago )
well that ws one of the worst night sleep in a while. i'm really angry i let myself get worked up this way. i feel a little better although i'm cold and tired today, my body is trying to cope with the shock of a panic attack. because thats what happened last night. first time in a few moments i felt like i was in a dying situation. i'm hoping after tomorrow. i will feel better or at least on the way to feeling better.
there wont be any further blogging today. or maybe even for a day or two. as i feel a little drained however. i will update this blog when i'm better and have a bit more control.
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