i'm so tired. i've had the kind of night's sleep where you sleep but you aren't well rested. there's a knot in my shoulder that kept me awake most of the night. i always carry my tension in my neck and shoulders and i don't know why or how to stop or if there's something wrong with my bed or my posture or whatever. i want to stop feeling so tense but i don't know how. i feel so unfulfilled lately. and ungrateful for feeling that way. all my shit is taken care of, and i'm in a good place financially and grades-wise, and for that i'm happy, but all of my days are the same. i work the same hours on the same days with the same people at the same job and i go to the same classes and do the same work and i feel like i'm running in place, some days. i feel unfulfilled and aimless and drifting and bored but anything different i try to do doesn't help because the larger problem is that until the semester ends or i get a new job, the sameness will remain and i don't like that. changing little shit doesn't do anything in the long run because overall i feel like my energy is all drained and wasted. i hate routine. i need escape routes and change and backdoor exits in my life. i need the option to opt out to always be open to me. i like stability and certainty but only to an extent. routine makes me do dumb shit to escape it just to feel different for a little while. i got drunk literally at work because i wanted to feel different about the shitty job. i got high that same night at a party to feel different. i buy myself shit i don't really need because capitalism teaches you buying shit makes you happy. i'm fully cognizant of the fact that i'm doing dumb shit but i have zero other coping techniques so i don't really know what to do. the sheer amount of energy it takes to do anything recently makes me want to sleep forever, but i also want to get out and do something. i'm in a weird mental headspace and i don't know how to cope.
i’m really far ahead in nearly all my classes - like my homework isn’t due for two weeks kind of ahead - my bills are paid for the month, i get to keep most of my paycheck, which is a nice one, and i’ve had enough time to binge watch shows again for the first time in forever, and also to read books, and do fun things, and buy myself nice things? in october? when school is in session and i’m usually poor and struggling? i don’t know what alternate reality i’m in but i like it. the only shitty thing is that my roommates are shitty, but oh well. i can't believe this is real and it's really happening. i'm happy.
these days it's hard to tell between being grateful for the little things and settling for little good things. if that makes sense? what i mean is: am i actually grateful for small mercies, or do i feel like i have to settle for whatever tiny shreds of good things come my way? i don't know. i feel both sometimes. i have so many goals for the future and a lot of times it feels like i can't do them, or that they'll never come fast enough. i never want to have to settle for anything ever again. never settle for the cheap thing if i can get the nice thing. never settle for discomfort if i can have comfort. never just accept bad feelings about myself, but work to change them. ideally, never to feel them again. i want a place of my own. just me, just mine. filled with nice things that will last a long time. more to be added
moved into my new room. terrible 4th is finally gone. small mercies. well, not so small. i'm so glad she's out. what i'm not glad about, however, is how my room is the tiniest in the house. i'm all cramped in with my stuff and i'm trying not to be upset or resentful of it, but after 2 months of living out of a suitcase i'm eager for it to end and it hasn't yet. and i know that i'll be settling in in the next few days, but i'm at the end of my rope. so fucking tired. i feel sick from bad fast food because the kitchen is so gross i haven't been able to cook in it. i knew i would erupt in anger if i stayed in that tiny cramped room in that filthy house any longer so i left and i'm at the school library typing away, trying to breathe and calm myself down and write myself through it. my mom will be here thursday morning to help clean. thank god. i need it. so badly. i hate everything about this house right now and the prospect of spending a year in it right now is terrible. just trying to stay calm and breathe. it will be resolved soon. in a little bit. literally in two days. it's okay. if there's anything positive to report, it's that there's a lot more natural light in the bedroom i have there's a huge closet we cleaned it before we moved in with white vinegar and a ton of clorox, so at least my little corner is passably clean my mom is coming and it's gonna be okay i'm just so fucking tired of the feeling that i'm settling. every single month. it's either i don't have time, i don't have money, or both. i know that's how college years are. early twenties are. but i'm tired of feeling like i have to compromise on the person i want to be or the things i want to do because of things i can't even control. knowing the things i want to do are out of my reach for reasons i can't really do anything about right now is horrible. i feel inauthentic. there's something keeping me from being the person i want to be.
it's been a month and a half and i feel so much better. that's the first thing that comes to mind. i feel like i'm getting back in touch with my old self, the one who remembers why she does the things she does and enjoys the things she enjoys. i feel like i've woken up from something. i'm a lot more patient, a lot more calm and accepting. a lot more level headed. i've forgotten what that felt like. last summer was all rush rush rush. panic panic panic. i had barely 2k in my savings account and even working 2 minimum wage jobs wasn't enough. all year was rough. this summer is so different. i have time off to breathe. to do things. next week i have a film festival and two concerts coming up. i'm going to the pool to tan and swim today. these things would have sounded too good to be true a year ago and now they're fact. this doesn't mean that things aren't tough. i'm still worried about money a lot of the time. i still feel like i have to put my life on hold because i don't have time or money. i still feel like i have to put off doing things i want to do because of those same reasons. but i either feel like that less now, or i'm a lot more accepting of limitations and try to work my way around them when i can. a huge part of the problem last year was my ego, i think. i got it into my head that i didn't have to do this, that i shouldn't be in this position of putting my wants on hold and stressing out so much, and that feeling of being above it all led to my anger and resentment. now i just realize that it's life. and that it's unfair, but it's the way life is for basically everyone in my age group. and that it's not forever. and that things fluctuate just as much to good things as to bad things. and that these limitations of money or time aren't my fault as much as they're just a casualty of living in an expensive city going to college. i think i'm thinking in the long term a lot more than i was before. before, all i could think about was getting through a week or a month. now i know i'll get through, even if it's tough some months, even if there's dips or uncertainties. i still have a lot to work on. i still have things to do. but i feel a lot more... adult? prepared? a lot more equipped to accomplish things. i feel like i'm thinking in terms of "marathon, not sprint" now, and that's half the battle. i still have worries and money is still tight but i feel like i can accomplish things in a calmer and more adult manner, honestly. i feel like i've gotten smarter with time and money management. and while i'm not looking forward to paying out the nose for a security deposit and first month's rent all at once soon, i know that i'll get that money back by the end of the summer from working as much as i have. i'm more accepting of the reality that money fluctuates both ways and that i'll be okay eventually. and i'm good with that.
I feel weird that all my blog entries seem to be about me being upset, but I guess it makes sense. I don't really write journals anymore, although I should start, or at least type them up somewhere. I guess I do it here because it's both secretive and public and sometimes I wish someone would message me and ask if I'm okay, even if it's just to check and they don't actually ~care~ that much. I've been a terrible person this past year and taking a step back from my friends is hard. It's been a week, a measly week, and I already feel really lonely and sad. I'm doing a 48 hour film festival this weekend and while I'm excited as fuck for actual set experience, I just feel hollow and sad and alone, and then I feel bad for feeling bad, because it's like... duh. What did I expect? I was shitty to the people I care the most about and I hate myself for that. And I know that I need to change, and I need to sit here and think about what I've done, and percolate in these feelings, but it's not easy. I dunno. I feel sad and lonely and then I feel bad about commenting on how sad and lonely I feel because I WANT to feel that, I want to know the consequences of what I've done, I want to feel bad so I know how I need to change and be better. But the day to day shit sucks. You never realize how much history you have with a person until you don't have that anymore, or at least not for the moment. There are so many inside jokes and things with my friends that I don't have now with the new roommates, who are lovely but make me sad because I still feel hollow. You also never realize how much little things can affect you. One of my new roommates suggested we bake and listen to Fall Out Boy and I froze up because that's what me and one of the old roommates did all the time. I just saw a sketch of me another roommate did that I hadn't seen until now and I froze up again. I'm finally being honest with myself and finally realizing how deep my bullshit behavior went and all I can feel is guilt and sadness that I didn't want to be this honest with myself sooner. I don't know if it's too late. I hope it isn't. But I can only do the day to day stuff. At least I've been working decent hours. It's weird how my early 20s are so full of these growing pains. If it's not money it's time, or interpersonal relationships. I'm just trying to cope. I'm starting therapy again soon. Hopefully that will help.
Stressed about school, stressed about grades. I've been skipping partly to get things done and partly because I don't care. I don't know why my relationship to academia has been this way for so long, but it has. Something to bring up in therapy, probably. It's not that I don't want a degree, it's that I don't care about academia or college or this program specifically, because I feel like I'm stagnant even though I'm moving ahead. I just feel like I'm not learning anything I couldn't properly learn in the film industry. I've kicked around the idea of leaving for a while this year, and although I would love to pack up and risk it, I also... really would not. Plus, the guilt of having spent time and money in college and having it not happen because I was bored or uninterested is already pressing on me just from thinking that. I'm vaguely worried that this is a sign of depression, because my sleeping and eating habits have been out of whack, too. It doesn't feel like the last time I was depressed, so I think it's just stress and unhealthy coping techniques combined with increasing self-protective apathy (bc if I wasn't apathetic I would be panicking and stressing 24/7). Again, for the therapist. I just haven't been doing homework for 2-3 weeks and even though it's week 5 and I can pull things together if I crack down and recommit, I'm still anxious about it. -------------- Sometimes I wish I was still in law, if only because I would go into renters' rights defense or something similar. The things landlords do around UWM's apartment areas are horrifying. So many act like they don't give a fuck and they really don't; houses are shitty and they get to raise rent on college students who have no choice but to pay it somehow, and they get to be cash cows for someone who doesn't care about them. My landlord lives in a mansion and still has the gall to charge me $533 a month for my share of a 3 bedroom that we had to legally force him to clean up, and we're the ones who repainted and cleaned and made it homey and livable. Our lease says we have until April 1 to decide if we want to renew or not, but he's touring our apartment anyway, either trying to strong-arm us into signing on for another year really early, or trying to sign the apartment out from under us so we have to move. We know we're going to be moving regardless, because it's so expensive and he's a genuinely horrible human being who lives in a literal mansion while his properties only get problems fixed if he's threatened with a city notice, but the point still stands. The whole deal is in that gray area of not being fair, but also not being illegal. We should have time to decide and be able to give a statement of some kind by that date, at which point he can look for leasers, not now. It's around a college campus, it's not like he's going to be lacking in prospective tenants. And yet tomorrow he'll be doing a second tour of the apartment like nothing is wrong. If I was a lawyer, I would be trying to make things more explicit and fair for college students, because this is ridiculous.
I feel like I have a lot more time this semester, although these past few weeks have been stressful. My school schedule is more forgiving (wrt scheduling; not necessarily coursework), I still work, and because of my impending tax return and my financial aid refund check (for extra left over after the semester was paid for), I feel in a more comfortable place. Of course, joining the bowling team has made things more stressful this month; because I work nights, I don't get time to do homework unless I stay up late, which makes me sleep later in the morning and skip class, so I use weekends to do things. However, these past 3 weeks have had weekend bowling tournaments so I've been pretty fucked recently in terms of managing everything. I've skipped a lot of class even though it's only week 5 of the semester, and I feel so behind on homework. My stress emanates from that, mostly. I know I pulled my grades up at the last second last semester (escaped with passing grades in every class except screenwriting, which was a D, and only because I said 'fuck it' to writing any pages, honestly), so I can do it again, especially if it's only week 5 (I have until the beginning of May, really, to do well, and I have until March 25 to drop classes and pick up new, half-semester ones if I need to), but I'm still stressed. Luckily I have off work tomorrow night and don't bowl this weekend. Overall, I do feel in a lot better of a place than I was last semester, although stuff is still stressful. We're probably moving out of this apartment and finding something cheaper, which is exciting and yet bittersweet, because we've made this place such a nice place. I've started therapy again, which already makes me feel better, and I've started actually moving forward with engaging in the gym more; had a body comp appointment and everything, and after I clear up the homework fiasco, I'm signing up for a personal fitness check and hopefully personal trainer sessions after that if the check goes well. I feel like I'm moving ahead on the two things I was unable to do last semester, and that I have the money to do other things I wanted to do, as well. And if we move somewhere cheaper, that will continue. My job is letting me come back as delivery driver in the summer and that's a way to make BIG money via tips, so that's exciting. I turn 21 in 5 days and I'm back in Orlando in 2 weeks or so, and I'm going to Austin, TX, this summer as well. Overall things are looking up, but currently I'm stressed with school and Murphy's Law was in full effect over all of last semester, so I'm reluctant to trust anything too much. But so far things are miles from where they were in the last entry, and for that I'm glad.
I'm in a better financial place than I was when I wrote my last entry, because I caved for the first time and asked my grandma to send me 250 to help pay rent. It's not of her own money - I have a reserve of $2,000 that I got from my great-grandma's will that my grandma is holding onto for me (now a reserve of $1,750), so it's still mine, and I'm not being a financial burden on her or anyone else in my family, but still. I was a mixture of really grateful and embarrassed asking for it, even though it's my own money. But I'm in a better financial place, and I had my last official day of classes today. All I have to do for the semester now is write script pages by Tuesday and take my last final Thursday and then no school til January 25. I'm also getting a nice fat paycheck tomorrow (495!!!!) which will put me at a better place in my savings (more if you count the reserve). I moved Christmas with my friends to after December, so that makes the financial situation easier, although I still have to pay my heating bill and buy things for my family Christmas this weekend and grocery shopping, but that's a more respectable place than I was in at the time of the last entry, and a more respectable place than I am currently in the few hours before direct deposit hits, and then my next paycheck on Christmas should be around 425 or so, which puts me at a better place still. Rent will take me down a peg (and the size of that peg remains to be seen - I got my 4th roommate hired at my work, and she starts Monday, but we'll see if she has enough money by then to pay rent, or when she can pay us back her share if she can't pay on time), but I'll come back up again by 425 or so around January 8, another 425 by January 22, and then down less because the 4th roommate can probably pay on time in February, and then up again by 425, and then my tax return (last year was quite a bit, so I'm hoping it's the same case here). So, by March I should be in a stellar place, but that's if the 4th roommate is paying, if I work 30 hours a week at least, and if there's no stupid spending or emergency situations. I'll be okay, I'm just tired of the struggle. And I'm vaguely annoyed that I'll be financially okay only after break, when I could be doing more. I have goals for break that center around paying for a personal trainer and a new wardrobe and I hope I can accomplish those goals, or start to accomplish them this next semester. Overall, things are looking up, I just have to make it through the end of finals and work my ass off this next month and a half to get to where I want to be financially. But things are good. I'm not super-panicking right now, at least. I just hope my grades are good. Jesus, that would be my fucking luck if they weren't. But I know I passed at least 3 of 5 classes. One I may have gotten a D in, but that passed a class for me last year so I'm hoping that will be the same this year. The last class remains on my script pages - if I turn those in I think I'll be good. Things are looking up, the roller coaster is headed up. I just have to put my head down and work and get there and not panic and know that better things are literally within sight. I'm just so used to Murphy's Law at this point that I can't trust it.
I haven't ever really used this blog, but I feel like these entries are gonna happen more and more lately. I'm just tired of being stressed. And I'm tired of saying that I'm tired of being stressed. I'm tired of working so hard at school and at work and yet always feeling like I'm teetering on the edge of a collapse. I'm tired of saying the word "hopefully" about the things I want to do - hopefully I'll have enough time, hopefully I'll do X by this date, hopefully hopefully hopefully - because it's long ago ceased to mean what it actually means - "I hope, and I'm likely to" - to meaning "I'm hoping, but it's probably not going to happen because of a myriad of ever-changing factors, most of which are financial." December's financial situation is going to suck, no matter how I look at it. And I know that by December 11, I'll have a nice paycheck that will get me up to a respectable place (here's the key, though: up and not above, or over, or getting ahead), and then Christmas will knock it back down, and then on Christmas I'll get paid again and will be back to the Dec. 11th place (or slightly above), and then rent will knock me back down either 533 or 413 depending on if my new 4th roommate has enough money to pay rent by then. I'm working as much as I possibly can these few weeks of school left, and then over break I'm potentially working 40+ hours a week, so by the end of January I should be at a more respectable place if all goes as planned (no emergency financial situations, 4th roommate paying rent, getting the requisite amount of hours, generally being smart with money) and then my tax return in February should keep me there or even push me ahead to where I really want to be. Long story short, I know I'll be okay financially, eventually, by January or February or March if all goes as planned, but that depends on IF everything goes as planned, AND it doesn't account for the now, and this upcoming month is going to be getting towards where I was at the beginning of the summer (barely scraping by) instead of where I was at the end of the summer (really comfortable), and I'm trying to propel myself back to the "really comfortable" side of things and keep myself there. Things are just gonna be DEFCON-5 level panic, finances-wise, this month, unless something miraculous happens and I'm gifted money (which could happen at Christmas, but I won't count on it). I know I'll eventually get back to where I want to be financially - October was the month of buying the rest of the new furniture and November, apparently, was the month where I was trying to recover from that and also not really making a lot of money, so I've had to dip into the savings account way more than I'm comfortable with. I'm not at eviction levels of poverty, but considering I'm a miser and I want to hold on to as much money as possible, I'm nowhere near where I want to be or need to be in order to feel comfortable with my finances. I know I'll eventually get back there, but the thing is, I don't know exactly when that will be, or what could crop up between then and now where I get knocked back farther. I'm just tired of the rat race, honestly. Looking forward to school finishing for the semester so I can work like a maniac and get back to where I need to be, or even get ahead. Speaking of school, this is all going down just as finals are approaching, so of course the time when I need to be focused most on school is the time when my financial situation is the worst it's been since moving into the apartment (and hopefully - there's that word again, damn it - the worst it'll ever get while living here). So of course I'll be focused on my money at a time when I can't be focused on anything other than school. Of course. I'm mowing through as much homework as I can in the meantime. If my financial situation sucks, I'm at least going to pass all my classes - the reason I'm putting myself in apartment-related financial stress anyway. Wish me luck.
I also can't stop feeling like I'm making all the wrong decisions, constantly. Like my life is a game of Until Dawn or something, and every choice I make is a QTE that I'm not pushing the buttons fast enough on. Buying healthy food? Well look, you just spent $83 in a day, where are you gonna get that back from? Buying unhealthy food to save money? Now you're eating like shit, which is the very thing you said you would stop doing. Don't you want your trips to the gym to be worth it? Focusing on housework over schoolwork? Now you have less time to do schoolwork, the entire reason you're in this apartment in the first place. Focusing on schoolwork over housework? Now the house is filthy. Dishes are piled in the sink and the garbage is overflowing. Can't you take care of yourself or your living space? Another example - I asked my boss to give me a lot of hours over Thanksgiving week because I don't want to go home to my family and I need the money besides. That helps with the money situation, but now I have less time that week to do homework if I still have any to finish besides what I'm trying to get done in a mad dash this week. That also could potentially affect my mental health, although I don't know yet, but the point is, my "break" isn't really a break because it can't be. My friends are the best group in the world. They are. They're the people who help me get through this nonsense the most and make me feel like I'm not a failure. They give me support and encouragement and a huge reason why I'm not completely hopeless is because I have them. But they all have their own issues too, and I feel guilty unloading mine on them even when they ask me to, or say that it's okay. I'm also the caretaker of the group, really - I'm the mom friend to a huge degree. So I get concerned about them too. I get concerned about their mental health and their finances and their lives, and it's always my instinct to focus on their problems over mine. So I tend to focus on that over my own issues, and then I get caretaker burnout in addition to being in the same position with myself regarding all the things I have to do.
I'm so stressed. I'm so stressed and I have no time for the free therapy place at my school because I don't have a spare hour that coincides with their hours and I have no money for a copay for a therapy place outside of school right now and I'm tired of posting in the threads and on my tumblr and making the occasional sad facebook status. I need to rant but there's no one to rant to, and I feel guilty for ranting anyway, so I need an isolated place to talk about this. I'm so fucking sick of feeling like I'm running in place. I'm so sick of having to constantly calculate where I'm at financially and when I can maybe get this thing or do this or whatever I want or need at any given time. Money is tight and it's going to be tight probably until my tax return in February (THREE MONTHS FROM NOW) unless I can somehow work a second job, but when do I have the time for that? Winter break, possibly, but what job is going to let me be there for a month and then quit? And do I really want to spend my only significant break time until summer working two jobs yet again? It's come down, as it has for the past 6 months, really, to mental health vs money, and everything is so up in the air. The work from home 2nd job that I applied for was the best option, but that was 25 mandatory hours that I was worried I couldn't handle, and every interview time they had was either during work or school, so I would have had to skip one or both of those, which wasn't an option, so now that's out completely. I want to get ahead financially but that looks like it won't be happening unless there's some unexpected windfall within the next few months besides my tax return and I hate that. Everything is so fucking up in the air every damn day and I'm so tired of it. I want to know that I have a concrete plan but I have to keep shifting my goals and my plans because the ground under my feet is so unsteady and the ups and downs are so random. Nothing feels secure and everything feels like it's close to falling apart around me at all times and I feel like I have to be 100% on my game every day to just stay afloat. Not even get ahead, just stay in place. I have so many goals I want to accomplish. I want to have a nice Christmas and I want to decorate the house a little and I want to get presents for my friends and pass my classes and have enough disposable income to actually buy new clothes, for one, or get some books or video games every so often, or pay for personal trainer sessions at the gym so I can start feeling more fit and like my workouts make an actual difference and so I can utilize the amazing gym facilities here while I'm a student and they're "free" (through segregated fees in tuition, but whatever). But all of these things take up time or they take up money and if I barely have enough to keep myself paying all my bills how will I have enough to do any of this? And these are such small goals, but they're goals that I've wanted to do for a while and expected to be able to do this year and so far I haven't been able to because I've been trying to balance literally everything else, and no matter how much my logical brain is like "hey, it's obviously okay, it's not like you're a lazy slacker doing nothing, you literally cannot do these things right now because you have to prioritize, you know, paying rent and eating food and passing classes and everything else over smaller things that you want to do but aren't necessarily as important in this current moment," I still feel like a failure for not being able to achieve my goals. And it makes me mad THAT I'm mad, and then it creates this feedback loop of anxiety and anger and feeling like I'm not moving forward or that I'm only moving forward in the smallest of ways. I just want to be able to live the life I want and it's frustrating to come up against problems that aren't in my control. Like, it's not like I can just WORK HARDER! Or WORK MORE! Because I'm already working hard and doing everything I possibly can in this time period, and I can't really work more because work already restricts hours depending on how many hours per week through the whole store they give to people. It's both slightly more comforting to know that a lot of this isn't really my fault, more the fault of the circumstances, and infuriating to know that a lot of this is out of my control, and that I'm really backed into a corner in a lot of ways and most solutions aren't really solutions. I can't out-think or hard-work myself into a better situation because I have to be in all of these situations. Like, all the solutions I could think of are things I literally cannot do. -Get a second job? What time would I have to do that? And where would accept my limited hours that I would have to schedule around school and another job? And even if that was possible, I still need time for homework, and housework, and errands, and mental health time besides, and sleep, and that would effectively take up all of the limited time to do all of those things that I already have. -Get a cheaper apartment? I can't exactly break a lease in the middle of it without any legal/credit score troubles. Besides, I can't leave my roommates hanging, and we've put in so much work over the past 6 months to make this place a home that it would basically be taking that progress and throwing it out to leave now. -Go to school part-time instead? That means it would take longer to get my degree, fuck up this year's current financial aid (there are different rules for part time vs full time students), and cost more money in the long run because I would be at this school longer. -Work longer hours? Not really up to me to decide. Plus, runs into the time constraints that the second job would run into. -Sell my car? A good short term solution for money, maybe (I'd have to fix the back two windows, so that's a couple hundred-dollar investment already right there), but I need that car to get around the city currently, and after school I'd rather stick with a car that I know is reliable than go through the song and dance of trying to buy a used one that might nickel-and-dime me anyway, or buy a new car and put myself in car debt along with student loan debt. Literally the only solution I have right now is that one of my friends could potentially be moving in with us and splitting the rent, but that hasn't even been discussed between me and my roommates yet - one of them knows the situation and the other is still ignorant, so tonight we're talking about it, but that's the only thing I can think of that would help, because it would split the rent, utilities and housework even further and make things easier. That's the only thing that would save me at this point that I can see, unless something unexpectedly good comes my way soon, and I'm really hoping that she'll move in and things will be easier. Even then, though, she can't pay her share of December rent, so for another month I'll basically be in the same position until January or even further depending on when potential roomie gets a job (she's looking, but so far I don't know if she's heard back or not). I'm just tired of this and I want the semester to end. I want it to be Christmas or next year already so I can have a break from school and breathe and work longer and make more money and maybe have a second job or do something to get myself out of a hole and start moving ahead earlier than February. I want time to maybe focus on some of those personal goals I've had to put off just so I can feel like I'm actually doing something productive with my life besides school. I'm just fucking tired.
I just.... I don't understand how people can do certain things in relationships. I don't understand how people can do friends with benefits. I don't understand how people would rather have sex and then get to know someone instead of getting to know someone and then having sex with them. I don't... I just don't get it. And I'm so fucking tired of feeling this way about it. I'm so tired of wondering why some dude I liked who I had chemistry with and got to know and developed feelings for could possibly prefer having sex with someone he didn't know and then getting to know her over having sex with me. I'm guessing - with good measure - that the casual thing is a huge part of it, bc I feel like he thought we would be more serious if we had sex. And he told me that it wasn't me, that I couldn't compare myself to her, that he was "never thinking, oh she's better than Alex," and I don't believe he thought that way at the time. I don't. He's not that type of guy and it all happened so quickly, but what kind of kills me is that, months on, he thinks that now. Like... I just want him to miss me at least somewhat. He's not dating this girl, but I want him to miss me. I want him to think about me and I want him to reconcile with me and I just... I don't want to be a blip to someone who was huge to me, you know? I can't think about it anymore and after these three weeks are up, it'll be easier. It'll be the summer and I'll be in my apartment and working two jobs and it'll be easier but these three weeks are dragging and I'm so fucking tired and I just... I can't do this and I want to stop wanting to not exist from the stress and the sheer awfulness of fucking human connection I just... I can't do this. I'm going to, obviously, but holy shit. I dunno. I just. It's a fact of life that life pulls you away from shit that was once important to you and that you can feel meh about someone you used to feel strongly about, but I can't deal with that and the idea that I am that for him now is just... it fucking hurts that he could call me "one of the coolest girls I've ever met" a few months ago and now not even care about me, why is that? How? Just get through it. Just get through it. Just get through it.
I know I've posted in the unhappy thread - and even started a new thread - about heartbreak, but I feel the need to rant a little right now about weird feelings, and this is the place for it. I've posted a little about what happened, and I'll probably make another blog entry detailing fully what happened, but basically I'll quote my post from the heartbreak thread here: In September, I transferred to my current college after the first year spent at home and going to the smaller college near my high school. This has been my first (and only - I signed an apartment lease two weeks ago, WHOOO ) year in the dorms, and honestly, this year has been an incredible one for me and my life. My relationship with my parents has never been good and getting away from home in a more permanent sense has really made me come out of my shell and has reduced my S.A.D., depression, anxiety and OCD in major, major ways. It was actually the first winter that I spent not depressed or terrified of falling in a hole. Anyway, I won't go into terrible detail here, but basically I really connected with this guy last semester, we both opened up, shared a lot between each other, I got to know the real him that he told me he's scared to let others see, we started flirting and hooking up and everything was really great, and then he called it off, said he didn't want "things to change between us" and started sleeping with some other girl, and it broke my heart. I basically told him - yesterday, actually, after a month of deliberation and trying to be friends again - that I couldn't be his friend anymore because of it. I don't understand anything about where his head is at, and I don't get how he could see what we had and not want to continue it, or not see what we had in the first place. It's been a month since I started that thread and 2 months since the shit all hit the fan, and over 3 weeks since I talked to him last, and honestly, I'm in a much better place emotionally than I was 2 months ago, or even a month ago, or even three weeks ago. I still see him on campus or in the dorms - it can't be helped, we live literally across the hall from each other - but it's pretty rare. I don't think we're avoiding each other; I know I'm trying purposely NOT to avoid him, because I don't want him to have any more effect on me living my life than he already had when he broke my heart. I don't feel as affected by this as I was. And honestly, I can say that I'm over a large part of it. I'm not in love with him anymore, I'm not actively stressed or upset about it anymore, I'm not thinking about it like I used to when it all happened, trying to find a way to make it all work out. I genuinely do feel better, and I've been doing things for myself, doing fun stuff with my friends, working on my life, making sure that I realize that I have a life outside of him, and that I've made a lot of friends here, and that there's been amazing things that have happened to me in these dorms in these past 8 months that had nothing to do with him, and that I have an apartment, and a new job, and potentially another new job, and that school is done soon, and that I'm going on a cross-country road trip with my best friend in August, and that life is still good and it was good before him and good during him (not just because of him) and good after him. And honestly.... I do feel like I've moved on - far, far more than how I felt in February by a long shot, and more than how I felt in March. And I really, really don't regret telling him we couldn't be friends anymore. Honestly, I feel so glad that I did tell him that, in late March. Because in early March, I was still ass-over-elbows for this guy, and I thought, hey, the bottom dropped out from under me so suddenly, and what they have seems to be casual, so maybe if I stick around, he'll stop going around with her and realize I'm still an option! I know, I know, that's fucking stupid and awful and even then I think I knew that, I knew that I shouldn't settle for being some kind of back-up plan, and I knew that it was stupid to hold out for something that, for all I knew, he had shut the door forever on and not just "for now" on... but he was (is? I still care about him, and respect him for the most part, even though we don't talk anymore) one of my best friends, and the first person I fell in love with, and he was - and is, I still do believe this - a good guy, so maybe, maybe, maybe. I mean, after all, the bottom dropped out from under me with basically no closure, so who the fuck knew, right? But this whole time, he was still hanging out with her. Still sleeping with her. I don't know how often and I don't know how casually - I know they were casual and I know that they're casual still, but I don't know the finer details and honestly, I both don't care and really don't want to know, because it won't help anything - but he was. And in mid-March and late March, he and I were still talking, because I was in this weird headspace of trying to get over him while also maintaining a friendship, because I both a) realized "us" wasn't happening right now, and wouldn't for a while, b) We would have conversations that were... god, so fucking weird. Because I would talk to him, and suddenly it would feel like nothing had changed, like it was still so fucking easy to talk to him, and we would shoot the shit in person in the hall and over text and it felt normal, but also so... not. Because we weren't flirting anymore, and I missed that, but also because our conversations felt normal, but they also felt stilted, like we had suddenly been reset back somewhere between close friends and acquaintances. We would have these conversations, but it felt so weird, because they were both easy to have and yet they felt meaningless, like conversations you would have with a new friend. So not only were we not flirting, we weren't having our old deep conversations about anything anymore, either. And we had gone from texting multiple times a day to maybe twice a week. In essence, not only had I gone from being with someone I really liked (which I could have gotten over) to nothing, it felt like I went from being close friends with this person to nothing at all, or like I was being held at arm's length. And it was that duality that I couldn't deal with. I realized that I needed space, because of that duality. Because on the one hand, there were the romantic feelings, and on the other hand, there were the friendship feelings. I never expected us to be in a relationship, and I made sure during the entirety of everything that I was okay with that, and that I wasn't asking for more than he was prepared to give. And I didn't, and I wasn't, and I thought I could handle all of it, I really did. I never felt entitled to his feelings - and I still don't, honestly, I never would - but at the same time, hanging out with him, knowing full well he was sleeping with someone else, felt like a punch to the face every time. Because I would see him and still feel this complicated mixture of want and affection and anger and betrayal and sadness, and I wanted to maintain our friendship for both those reasons and for sheer friendship's sake, but I couldn't handle knowing that we had what we had, that trust and that deeper knowledge of each other and that attraction and that tension and all of it, and that he wasn't acting on it, and that he was sleeping with someone else. I couldn't handle that. I knew I needed space, because I knew that I wanted to still be friends with him for friendship's sake, but that there was still a part of that that wasn't at all altruistic, and that I couldn't be around him without still wanting him and still hoping for something, anything. But on the other hand, I knew I needed space because I felt so taken for granted as a friend. I mean, all feelings aside, I had been nothing but honest with this guy from day one. I had been an open book and he had opened himself up to me in turn and I asked him to be honest with me, back when this whole arrangement started, and that that was my only requirement, and he agreed and told me he would be, and then he wasn't. He had issues from before the semester started - at least, that's what he told me when shit hit the fan, and I'm inclined to believe him because he had no reason to lie, and because I could drive myself crazy thinking up possible other reasons when that sounds like an honest answer, and because if he lied again about the reasons it would just be yet another thing to make me angry - and he never told me, and then he pulled the rug out from under me instead of talking through his issues and respecting me enough to tell me to my face, all because he's conflict-avoidant. Which... I understand, to an extent. I mean, when I was a kid, and I fucked up, I would avoid telling my parents, not because I didn't respect them, but because I didn't want them to think badly of me and because I wanted the good things to continue instead of it causing a rift between us, but of course it only caused a bigger rift and made them angrier. So I get why he wouldn't have told me at first, but at the same time... I deserve more respect than that. And that's the kind of behavior I pulled as a fucking child, not as a college student who... maybe doesn't know everything, but should be more emotionally mature than that. So I get it, and it's understandable, but that doesn't make it okay. And okay, to stop flirting with me and sleep with some other girl without telling me... yeah, that's shitty. And yes, he should have told me, and he told me that he knew he should have told me, because we had a FWB arrangement, sure, but it was an exclusive FWB arrangement. But I would have gotten over that a lot easier if the friendship didn't also shatter alongside that. I would have gotten over being dropped like that if he had told me instead of pulling the rug out from under me. I would have been hurt, and I...
I wrote this for a contest at school and decided to post it here. Enjoy! Lights filter past the darkened windows, whipping through their lines of vision and disappearing, leaving hazy streaks behind. The road stretches endlessly in front of them, eaten up by the tires under them in this creaky car. New York, the city that never sleeps. The lights look beautiful at night, one of those sights that long ago would have made them park somewhere and get out, strolling hand in hand, lost in each other. Neither of them can remember the last time they did anything like that. Suburban War by Arcade Fire blares thinly through the ancient speakers; he's never understood her liking for them, but he doesn't change the station. It would be just another fight in the years of many, spiraling out behind them like a half-forgotten trail, the tail of their kite that wouldn't stay up no matter how hard they tried. No matter where they ran to, no matter what seedy motel in some highway stop or fancy hotel in some big city they stayed in, their past always caught up with them. "Now the cities we live in could be distant stars; and I search for you in every passing car." No wonder this is your favorite song, he thinks bitterly. It's our life in four minutes. She remembers the suburbs. How the sun would set behind the tightly-packed houses, each one exactly like all the others inside. How dark the streets would seem to be to a child of such a young age. Growing up there didn't seem different than anywhere else. Only later would she realize the scars that place left behind, hidden so deeply you almost couldn't see them. Like scrambling through a barbed-wire fence and emerging bloody on the other side. Freedom always came with a price. Teenage dreams, bright as flowers. Ranging everywhere and anywhere, uniting at one central point, always. Leave this place. It's all a blur from those early years, all neon lights and pastel colors and laughter over long-forgotten jokes. She looks at those old photo albums sometimes. Blue graduation caps thrown skyward, the teenage self of her past smiling happily next to a joyful-looking man. She glances to her left, watches his hands clutching at the steering wheel, eyes concentrated intensely on the road, driving them out of New York to somewhere on the west coast. Hard to believe he was the same person as the one standing with her in the photo. He wasn't the same. But then again, neither was she. If she mentally flipped the page of the same album, the wedding photos would come next. Still so young, she thinks bitterly. The thought is as old as time immemorial now, echoing in her ears, staining the old memories. Still so young, still so foolish. Mistaking teenage infatuation for love. You had the whole world at your fingertips, stupid girl, and you threw it away. And for what? Five years. You could count them on one hand. Such a small time allotted for being happy. Youth is wasted on the young, they say. No one ever mentions that age and experience are wasted on the old. The sixth year marked the cracks in their foundation. Late nights at the office prompted accusations and suspicions, errors in the bills or margins in the checkbook set the stage for screaming matches. He remembers the fights over the seemingly important things and the ones that even then had no point. Teenage love collapsed under the real world; who paid the bills or worked too long or not long enough. Who had the TV remote, for God's sake. It always ended up the same way. Small issues arising, snowballing into problems threatening to engulf them both. Quiet, steady voices ("debate tone", they always called it in school; another lost memory of a better time) raising in volume until the shouts reverberated off the walls, accusations swinging back and forth like Poe's pendulum, unceasing. Slammed doors, engines starting, rubber shrieking as the car peeled out of the driveway. It was almost always the same car they were sitting in now, too, a silent witness to years of anger and sadness, of tears dripping into the cheap upholstery. Running back the next day, begging for forgiveness, apologies made on bent knees like proposals, hands clasped as if in prayer. A few weeks of peace and happiness and hope that maybe this is the time it gets better, only to fall back into the same cycle again. Lather, rinse, repeat. For more than two decades. He turns off the road, pulls into the parking lot of another cheap motel. The sight is far too familiar to them. Nights alone after shouting themselves hoarse, meeting places for clandestine affairs--neither of them are innocent of this, and they both know it, but what's the use in mentioning it anyway? A marriage in tatters. Twenty-plus years of hoarse screaming and pleading tears and sidelong glances filled with guilt. The overwhelming oppression of wanting things to be different and having absolutely no power to change them. These are the things they both remember. They climb out of the car, slam the doors to their respective sides. Feet crunch over gravel as they walk to the registration desk, walking apart from each other. So different than in the suburbs all those summers ago, walking together, hands entwined. What would it be like now, if either of them was to reach out and take the other's hand? Fingers reaching across a small space in this moment, but in reality stretching across years and years of cold shoulders and steely glares across rooms. He takes the key for their room wordlessly. They both stop to unpack, brush their teeth and dress for sleep. He takes one side of the bed, she takes the other. They don't face each other in the darkened room, the inches between their bodies measuring an innumerable distance. Who knew one could feel so alone sharing a bed?