Who am I?
This question has loomed over me for years. Particularly this last year.
If you were to ask a handful of people that see me on the regular, or know me on a deeper level. They'd probably tell you that I am the following :
- Funny (Hilarious at times even)
But that's not truly WHO I am, that's just HOW I am. Yes, I'm the girl that can walk into a room of strangers and make them laugh, or crack a smile within the first few minutes of meeting them. Yes, I'm the girl who has a smile that lights up a room. Yes, I'm the girl that doesn't go unnoticed if I'm having a bad day ( I have them, its true ). AND Yes, I am the girl who lost good guy friends because their girlfriends felt threatened by me.
I'm not trying to toot my own horn. Honestly. Being me can be exhausting. It's like everyone expects me to be this bright, happy bubbly person all the time. Some days I don't want to be that person.
The truth is, I have no idea who I really am inside. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. It bothers me that time has such a weight to it. I feel pressured to be at certain place or that I should have reached certain milestones by now.
Am I happy? Yes, for the most part. However, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see what everyone else sees. I don't see a whole lot that I myself am proud of. I haven't really accomplished much in my life so far. The things I do have, I didn't get on my own. Ever.
I am a starter of things, never a finisher. I could tell you that the list of things I've finished is MUCH shorter than the list of things I've started. Finished high school, didn't finish my college classes. Whether its been projects, or small business ideas, or even short story ideas. I get off to a good start, then lose momentum and everything just stops. Dead. Done. Am I alone on that? Probably not. Could I change it? Probably, but that means starting something... and with my track record I bet you can guess the outcome.
If I were to die tomorrow... The greatest thing I'll leave behind is the way I made people feel. I'm not saying that that is a bad thing at all. Part of me just knows that there is more to me, than me. The key is to figure out how to find that... any ideas where to start?
This is was not meant to be a pity post at all. I'm venting, because this is my safe place. Thank you if you made it this far.
Only the truth of who you are, if realized, will set you free.
- Eckhart Tolle
*takes a deep breath*
This is my personal space. *looks around*
I could get cozy in here. Filling these blank boxes with some of my thoughts, or episodes of road rage, or even on the dynamics of my relationship. That last one might get a bit too personal, I'll try and keep it light. Though our roommate loves to listen to our bantering; it makes her giggle.
If the timing is right and the mood hits, I might get some really good stuff written here. Only time will tell. I'd say I'm going to write in here every day, but that would be a lie. In all honesty though, I'm not sure I have enough to share on a daily basis. Some things are better left to be put in my personal hand-written journal. The one that will be discovered after my death.
So. Here's to this and whatever it may bring. *shrugs*
Creativity exists in the searching, even more than in the finding.
- Stephen Nachmanovitch
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