This won't be a long blog, just more or less a little note that profoundly affected me five minutes ago. The weather's been turning out nicely where I live. Today was a perfect sky, robin's egg blue, cloudless. Even with the gentle breeze occasionally giving me shivers, the sun kept me warm, brightened my outlook on the day. I skipped school today. Call me a coward, but I didn't want to see Mike, afraid he might suddenly tell me he couldn't go to the laser tag thing. Plus, maybe he'd call to see if I was okay later on after school ended. One can hope, right? Stalling again, silly Livi. After taking out the dog, I wandered back outside, the quiet only ruined by the rogue car diving down my street. I took a seat over away from the cars in our driveway, recalling how many times Mike and I would sit there, laughing, talking, tickling the hell out of each other. He'd always yell at me for going out barefoot. What he didn't know was that I'd purposedly go out barefoot so he'd scoop me into his arms and keep me there. Sitting on the concrete, legs folded like a pretzel, I let my mind wander. I imagined what I would do if he was sitting next to me right then and there, how I'd place my head in his lap, feeling the sun's rays and his body heat warm my cold skin. Before I knew it, I was lying on the concrete, staring up at the sky. When I sit outside like that, my mind wanders. I initially heard a violin playing in the back of my mind, a single note stretched on forever, softly. I tried coming up with music for the imaginary violin in my head to play, but was stuck on that same note. It was then that I heard more notes, barely audiable in the distance at first, growing louder. The familiar violin and piano came together, followed by a voice I could remember clearly. Somewhere, outside of my house, Breaking Benjamin was playing, specifically the acoustic version of The Diary of Jane. The words came to me in a rush, as did the tears. I hadn't listened to the song since Mike and I broke up. It was him who introduced me to the band, gave me their CD. It had been both of us who sang the acoustic version in his basement in perfect harmony, my higher voice against his lower blending into a tune so rich, so amazing. Even my mother commented on it when we sang together in the car that we matched together. Sitting there, I sang the entire song, my heart pounding in sorrow as I did so. How ironic was it that the one day I don't see Mike, something connects me to him? In that moment with the music playing, he had to have been thinking of me. At least, I hope so. Usually when I heard a song that and friend and I would connect on, they'd be thinking of me. I miss him.
I've mellowed out for the day. Thing with Mike are okay, but nothing special is sparking from the ashes of this morning. Like I said I would, I approached him at the the end of the day, pouting while the anger and rejection filtered through my voice. As if Mike didn't know, he instantly asked what was wrong. I balked at him. "Nothing." I was back up to my old tricks. Hiding my feelings from him was what I used to do all the time, no matter what happened. We bickered back and forth, his friend Brie hanging on his side, texting on her cell. "What's wrong? C'mon, don't lie." His eyes flashed, his usual way to get me to spill my guts to him. I glanced at Brie. "I don't want to say it aloud." Brie caught on before Mike could. Glancing to my eyes, she mumbled about something in the Guidance Office and bounded out of the empty Choir room before Mike could ask what she said. "I need to know if it's a yes or no, Mike." I wasn't waisting time beating around the bush. He slung his backpack onto his shoulder, stared, and frowned. "Between you and me, I hate mini-golf." My jaw dropped. That was it? "Is that all?" The weight pressing against my chest lifted instantly. It wasn't me. It wasn't me! "Well, then how about bowling?" He shook his head, frown still in place. "I only pretended to like bowling when we went before. I suck at it so much." Even I was laughing now. He was right; last time he barely got a one hundred. I'd gotten one hundred and twenty-two. "Okay..." I thought, trying to come up with something, anything to do with him. "I didn't want to do a movie, because sitting in the dark for two hours isn't my idea of fun." Plus, sitting in the dark for two hours next to Mike could potentially drive me insane enough to kiss him. We were walking out of the classroom, hanging at the door. It looked like nither one of us wanted to leave. "I'm going to be late for my bus," I noted suddenly, recalling that if I missed my bus, I was screwed. "So I have to go. But I need to know; do you want to hang out with me or not? We'll think of something." He smiled, laughing. "Yes! I do want to do something with you." He paused for a whole second, suddenly his eyes lighting up like a Christmas tree. "What about Planet Trog?" I gasped. Planet Trog, the laser tag arena I was known to kick massive butt at. Duh! "Mike, I love you!" I threw my arms around his neck, laughing as I lingered in the hug. It was the first time I'd said those three words to his face since we broke up. Ironically, it fit in the moment. We pulled back from each other, both of us grinning like jackals. "So you really want to do this?" He nodded. "Yes, definitely." I think my heart took off to Mars and never came back after that. My head spun as goose bumps littered my arms. I started to giggle, smiling like a loon. Mike cut my happiness short, though. "Just don't take it the wrong way. I can see you already are." I couldn't lie to him, but I couldn't tell him the truth, either. So I stuck out my tongue, making a face while the smile still lingered on my lips. He told me he had to go, so we hugged again. I hesitated too long on debating if I should kiss him on the cheek again. I'd tried my luck enough for one day, I didn't want to push it off the edge. So now I'm lost. He said yes to just the two of us running around in the dark shooting people with lasers, but said not to take it the wrong way. Hmmm. I think I'm gonna kiss him then, anyway. To hell with panicking that he'll shove me off. I don't care. I love like him, more than anything. I want this to work. And I will make it work. I'm not looking for a miracle, I am the miracle.
Right now, things aren't going so hot for me. I feel annoyed, upset, agitated by my actions, by people. I'm not even halfway through the day and already I ache on the inside. My morning started alright. Last night I had a hysterical fit during some severe lightning storms. I'm terrified of lightning; it scares the flesh right off my bones. In the middle of my panic attack as the sky lit up, I called Mike. He calmed me down with few words, but we had to hang up shortly because he had dinner. Sigh. This morning I saw him, smiled, and felt better once I saw he was improving health-wise with his disease. He sounded much more like his usual self instead of the raspy voice I'd known for the past two weeks. I saw little of him during the day; between classes, hi's in the halls, the usual. Feeling lucky, I took it upon myself to gather my courage and ask him to go golfing with me. We stopped just short of the stairs where I'd be heading. Mike leaned on one side, his backpack slung on one shoulder. I drew myself up, messenger bag bouncing against my thigh. "Hey, I wanted to ask you something," I started, holding tightly to my confidence. "Yeah?" "I was wondering if, not this Saturday, but next Saturday, if you wanted to go mini-golfing with me." There was a pause. My confidence evaporated before my very eyes. I laughed, trying to dispel the silence. "Well, I mean, if the weather's nice. Obviously if it's raining or hailing I'm going to call it off." He looked at me. I couldn't read the expression in his eyes, heck, I didn't even think to try and read the expression. "Can we bring other people?" That knocked me off my pedestal. If I'd been neutral before on my confidence level, now I was somewhere in the fifth ring of hell. Barefoot. I looked to the ground, shuffling one of my feet. "I didn't want to bring other people." More silence. I looked up, watching his mouth open to say something, when the bell rang. He closed his mouth, leaving me hanging. "Go to class, you're late." He placed his hands on my shoulders, trying to steer me. No, wait, I wanna know the answer. Mike!" I protested. He spun me around, looking at me for an unmeasured moment. "Later, okay? I promise." His voice had gone soft, gentle. Against every voice in my head, I nodded, waved goodbye and bounded up the steps. That already had me on edge, so when I told my friend Debbie about his behavior at lunch, hoping for confirmation on something, anything, I got nothing. "He's not interested in you." She stated simply, right after I finished talking. I haven't spoken since. My chest aches; I feel like there's millions of little needles jabbing me in the heart, watching my squirm. She was his ex-girlfriend before I dated him, so she should know him, but when I asked her about their tender moments in comparison to mine, hers weren't even close. Not a chance. I don't know what I'm doing right now. I want to grab him and hold him close, never let him go. But part of me feels that Debbie could be right; he could not be into me. Then what about those kisses? Those charming smiles? The tender hugs he doesn't give everyone else, not even his closest friends? They don't know him at all, none of them do. But the question is; do I know him at all, too? I hope I do.
I'm giggling. Unable to stop. I feel like a giddy child who's just been promised an entire ice cream shop with every flavor imaginable. My day was pretty mellow, again, but that's normal in the boring area where I live. It wasn't until, you guessed it, 11th period rolled around. Now, we didn't have a study hall again, we actually had Choir, and I've learned that the one song, Venki, is so not my strong point. Alto 2 maybe isn't my path, it's just a little too low for me. Ah, I'm stalling. We had two minutes until the bell rang, giving us just enough time to pack our things and chat for a moment. Everyone was busy left and right. Mike, still sick, was coughing up a fit. I gave him a hug and rubbed his back soothingly, to let him know I'm there, and he smiled, then got a drink of water. He came back a whole whopping six seconds later where we proceeded to hug again, longer. Suddenly he tickled me and used my back like a drum! I laughed, trying to tickle him, but like most men do, he just stood there, blinking. "You know I'm not ticklish," he teased. I pouted. "I know a few spots that certainly are." Stuck out my tongue. We toussled, and somehow I ended up behind Mike, my arms around his neck. He picked me up and against my protests carried me to the other end of the room, me a monkey on his back. He put me down, smiling while I pouted. He knows that I don't like that, even if I do giggle about it later. Puts too much pressure on my tummy. The bell rang, and Mike told me he had to leave to go make up a Physics lab. I didn't care, he was talking to me, that's what mattered. I nodded, told him to get a move on and to stop me stalling him. We hugged again, and this time I kissed his cheek after making him promise he would take care of himself this weekend. He did. Then he kissed me on the cheek, too. I kind of wandered out of school in a silly, dazed expression. Certainly I can't like a guy this much in so little time, even if he is an ex. It was on the bus I realized it. I never got over him. Not once. I just... made more space to love him unconditionally. To make sure he was happy no matter what happened or happens. I don't want to say I love him, because love is a strong word that might give people the wrong impression. I like him so much, it gives me crazy dreams of him. I think about him in class, picture his smile when I think of something funny and want to share it. I've fallen harder than I knew, but I don't mind it so much.
I feel a little... envigorated today. Okay, not today, but in the last three hours I've felt pretty darn well. Minus the cold factor. My day, overall, sucked. I'm getting sick, couldn't write this morning no matter how hard I tried, and blew up on a friend of mine for no reason at all, and felt like crap afterwards about it. Until 11th period, the end of the day. Study hall again. Mike was sitting at the head of the table, me alongside on the end, so I was kind of next to him. We were both doing homework, well, he was, I was just daydreaming about writing something epic. I did something stupid, silly. Mike looked up from his packet, taking one of the earbuds out and looked at me, and laughed. I took out one of mine and stared. "What?" I asked, smiling already. "You're adorable." It stunned me. It was the first time he said I was adorable since we broke up. And, if I remember quite correctly, he never once said I was adorable before we dated, either. I smiled so big and laughed for a good five minutes. Just giggled like a loon. And for some reason, it made my day. So now I'm happy for some reason, and able to write. I started chapter eight with what I think is some good kick butt strength, which makes me happy as a mad hatter. I'm keeping my head high.
My day didn't go all that well today. Sadly, nothing's been going well for me as of late. I'll be more specific: today, for the second day, Mike was out sick. Naturally, I worried. But two days, two days I normally get to see him, tolled on me. By the middle of the day I was so wrapped in my delusions of how bad he might be that everything suffered. Every thought connected to Mike. And I loathed it. By the time I got home, I practically assaulted my mom's purse for her cell phone because she was on the house phone. I called him. Thank god he answered. What began as a simple conversation to check his vitality turned into something more serious. It was my fault, mainly, because when I'm on the phone my mind wanders, and I drifted off, leaving Mike to ask what was on my mind. Before I could come up with a good excuse, I blabbed about prom. And how I wanted to ask him out to prom. Then I did. He didn't give me an answer... yet. No news is good news, right? That's how I see it, even though deep down I know better. Usually the longer he stalls, the more he's trying to be soft about his answer. Oh, it gets worse. I somehow came out telling him that, yeah, I still like him. I explained how I'd been keeping it hidden because I told him it was nice to not have awkward feelings between us. He said me liking him didn't matter, didn't bother him. But there was no hinting towards him liking me. Sigh. This was all supposed to be a gradual, planned thing, not a twenty minute phone conversation that turned into a spill-your-guts-out festival. I feel so stupid for telling him that. But at the same time... I feel relieved. I can write now without the cloud of Mike dangling in front of my thought process, which pleases me. Oh, and a little FYI: A couple comments in my last blog had people wondering why I liked Mike so much if he was jerking me around so. I guess I'll explain in some short, few words. He's amazing. I don't have to say a word for him to know when I'm upset, angry, exalted, or just bored. We can look at each other for minutes at a time, silent conversations held by our eyes. He's comforting on so many levels, knows just how to hold me to make me feel loved. His kisses are the biggest eye-openers, no matter where they are on me, be it cheek, forehead, or (in the past) the lips. He doesn't care that I'm crazy, that I have my own language when I speak in person, that I'm overly protective and emotional. He loved me for who I was, not what I had or what I could become. We had everything to live for, everything to die for, and nothing was in our paths. I'm sorry, I can't write anymore on it. I don't want the tears to hit the keyboard. And so everything started with the end.
Don't you just absolutely hate it when your amazing day goes to hell in less than an hour? Half an hour? Ten minutes? How about ten seconds? Friday, March 20th, pretty much was that for me. My entire day had been going excellent, perfect, amazing. I'd felt great when I got up, found a nice outfit that looked flattering on me, and everyone liked in school today. My mind didn't dwell on anything remotely negative. I'd even checked my works on here for replies, elated when I found nothing but encouraging comments toward my work. Everything was great. Everything was fine. During the last period of the day our class, Choir, had been given a study hall because our teacher was busy preparing for the musical playing that night. I sat in one of the small, cramped practice rooms with two friends of mine, two friends of Mike's, and Mike himself. Mike is my ex boyfriend whom I still get butterflies over, FYI. He's been sick, it's obvious. His skin is pale, he coughs heavily, his moves sluggish. Still somehow he finds the energy to flirt with me, just casual contact of the body. I'd been trying to avoid this, to ease the pain of having lost him three months ago. Failure on my part. After a highly compromising position he didn't seem to mind, we sat next to each other, leaning slightly on one another. Mike casually drapped an arm over my shoulders, smiled. Then two of his friends called him over to the piano in the small space. I asked him if he wanted to move, which I already knew he didn't. Still, he asked if I could help him up. I stared, knowing full well he felt sick, and needed to just rest as much as he could. He'd already been through hell in gym the period before. Before I could object to him moving, he pecks my cheek, gets up, never looks back, and joins his friends. Stunned wouldn't explain half of what I felt. I feel stupid, dazed, angry, jumpy, wild, anything to explain the frantic pounding of my heart against my chest. But I know it was all just a game. He's done this before, a month after we broke up. Still, it hurts. I don't like being played like that. So now I'm avoiding him like hell, hoping it won't happen again, even if I want it to happen. -sigh- It's a secret to love him, and an even bigger secret to pretend I don't.