Last blog is in authoritarian limbo. Guess I mixed the wrong words together, dead and f-o-r-u-m. Not referencing this one, but another. Lesson learned, but not followed. This blogs like a fishing line, I send it out every now and then hoping for a nibble. Else I would write in a little journal and lock it up safe somewhere. Why here? I don't know. It shouldn't be here. I'm fishing in protected waters. Indigenous land, and not the friendly kind; the old kind. The scalp your father and mother in front of you while you're begging them to stop kind. Shit, I forgot natives can't be evil, only the white man. Hah, but I didn't say where continent I was fishing in! Mr. Leather jacket and toothpick, big bad wolf on campus. Waiting to unleash his wrath on the little pup who can't hold his head high enough. They always like the little ones. They never choose the ones that can fight back. Them white devils. Little boys with no confidence. Raped, bullied, beaten. Might get a few words of pity, but then it's onto the next topic. Ladies forget that men prey on men. Like all of us aren't victims to the same assholes you've denounced the entire gender for. The entire race for. White men, the curse. Take a DNA test so you can spout that you're 1 percent feather striker. Somehow that's racist, but white devil past your eyes just fine. More a bigot than a racist. Never really cared about the skin pigment, or eye slant. Drum beating is universal; don't need a feather in my cap to enjoy peace neither.
I'm in that place. That deadening feeling building strength. In a snowed in cabin. Food that doesn't satiate. Water that doesn't quench. Movies that don't entertain. Songs that don't inspire. Where pain thrives, and angers the only emotion alive. Waiting out the storm, maybe beauty will survive. Stormy 20 Storm drive Stormica, ST 5T0RM-YDR1V3 Stormifornia
The Solace's alarm system screeched after the impact. He looked at Shen, lips moving, but the alarm was too loud. The Solace had switched to red light, meaning the power core had been breached. It looked like they had left reality and were in a dropship heading straight for hell. Shepard clawed his way back to his feet, every step shaking off some of the disorientation like it were rust. He was close enough now. " Captain, I can't shut the alarm system off! Override commands aren't working, but we're stable" "What the fuck just hit us Shen!" Shen looked down at the busy display before him, his face losing color. "A Ferelden Confederation ship... they're firing on us sir." The ship went silent, someone had managed to disable the alarm. Shepard leaned in, scanning the display. "Ok, I wouldn't mind knowing why they did that. Get them on Comms" he yelled towards a deckhand, still in a fugue. "But I really want to know why they stopped... Lets hope this was an unfortunate accident... Shen are our Mechs ready to launch?" "What? No! All of our long range missile systems were stripped off for maintenance, and the Griffon doesn't have any of her jump jets fueled up. We were caught with our pants down Captain." "Are they ready to drop Shen" Shen shook his head in frustration. " They'll drop , and when they do drop, they'll drop again from better equip pirates" The holographic central display blinked the face of a Fereldan Captain into existence before them. " Captain, apologies for any casualties our weapons may have caused. Our intention was to disable your ship, not hurt your crew." A figure leaned into view and passed the Captain information. He nodded, and continued. " Our boarding party is on route to the Solace, tell your security personnel to stand down and nobody will be hurt. The Fereldan confederation is commandeering your ship. We'll speak in person shortly , Captain." The holo display flickered off. " We can't let them get those mechs Shen " " Then get your ass down there, all mechs but one are piloted and ready to go." "Don't let them rough the Solace up too bad while I'm gone" Shepard yelled back, disappearing behind metal. "Here I thought the Captain was supposed to go down with his ship..." Shen patted his chair "Don't worry old girl, I won't leave ya."
She strut into the bar on fire, smoke spiraling through jet streams left in her wake. Most of the boys put down their poison to breath in the fumes. She didn't lock eyes with none of them on her journey to the bar. A dozen men scrambled to offer her a drink, but only one got her attention. It wasn't me if that's what you're thinking, I didn't even try; I knew better than to approach the flame. Well, that might not be the real story. Truth be told, I was too scared to. Even so, the fear stopped me from getting burned. That boy, the young buck, took home that fire, played with it like dumb boys do, now he's trapped in a smokey room.
My sister has cancer, I've held myself together for this month with only 1 real breakdown. I just can't stop crying now though. I hate this place, I hate life. Everything good gets crushed, and scum like me gets to walk free. I don't want to feel this pain anymore, but causing pain to my family is worse. I wish they had a better son, a better brother. I don't think I can go on much longer. The thoughts have become overwhelming, and I'm getting scared. I never thought I could lose control. It's always going to be my decision I thought, but there's another being sharing this existence with me, and it's persuasive, and offers so much comfort. It's the ultimate salesman, and I want to take its hand. I just don't belong here. The bottles my only comfort. I'm kinder, more benevolent when I drink, and a monster when I don't. I'm just so afraid.
Hush baby child, please don't cry, daddy's singing your unborn lullaby, written before you even opened your eyes. I said please don't cry, just remember you're daddy's pride, always going to be by your side. Hush little child, please don't cry. I forgot what love was until I looked into your eyes, I wish I could always be by your side.
Dejected, he was sad and depressed! Dispirited! Down right Dangerous! Learn the word by saying what it means, be a layman not a scholar! He was mad, it felt unjust! His indignation was showing through his forced smile. Feeling like he had a massive hole in his chest, that GAPING wound! It smelt bad and looked rotten. Putrid flesh. It wasn't there, just an illusion. Phantasms of his fantastically imaginative mind! Original, creative, whimsical! They offer comfort for his grief. Solace be gone. Words disappear! Vanished! Obscured! Insincere, disingenuous! Lies to make people feel better! Yet still lies! They were of the same kind, so similar! Homogeneous! Yet some were so different, so heterogeneous! So complex, so sophisticated! Keep those who don't know the nomenclature away! Sub human, rats! Stupid, filthy hobbitses! Layman disappear, you're not welcome here!
I'm....dreaming...of a red Christmas! The one I've seen in dreams before.....Where the floor tiles glisten, glass gleaming, food sizzling.. Keep those children outta that kitchen! Oh, I'm...dreaming...of a red Christmas! With every Christmas song I write....may your days be dreary and fine...and may all your Christmases be alright. Oh, I'm...dreaming...of a red Christmas! With every snowflake falling by....may the knife cut deeply, and...oh..so..sweetly...and may all your Christmases be crimes!
I put my head down and worked. Long hours, in the heat, in the cold, in the rain and the mud. What's it all for? I'm working for a fraction of the money most of my peers make. I know, I know, it's my fault. I should have known to go to school. Little Dave didn't put the effort in! But 26 years of blame isn't all mine. So when does the blame start? 15? 17? 18? 20? How many years am I really responsible for? When does my ignorance become 100 percent my fault? He's just a kid! He's just a kid! He's just a kid! Annnnnnd now he's a fucking loser, pull back boys, losers on his own now. How much is the tribe to blame? I'm willing to put the effort in, I just need guidance, it's what I've always needed. I know in todays society of self help books and go getters, talking about reasons why you are where you are is just making excuses. You're a loser because of the choices you choose to make. End of story. But a computer programmed to see options A and B can't possibly be held responsible for not picking option C, can it? All my experience with people has shown me that most people are cruel, uncaring, isolationists. Not unlike myself, the self I keep in check with remnants of Christian teachings. Offer a taste, and they take the bowl. Show humility, and they take the credit. My sense of morality is wrong for this world. Self sacrifice isn't admired, it's taken advantage of. Kindness is seen as weakness. Arrogance mistaken for competence. "Fake it until you make it". Don't lie. But lie. Have I just been unlucky? Have I met all the wrong people in all the wrong places? Is my perception of the world so warped that I can't ever see reality again? Or am I seeing things closer to what they are, absent positive emotion. Absent the chemical process that allows someone to see the good in a situation that has none. Here's another message in a bottle, thrown out to sea. A plea for help that most will never see. Here I'll be, stranded but free. S.O.S Somebody fucking help me.
The text message said, "I know what you did." It said more, not much more, but those words struck first, and those words struck hardest. "I won't tell another soul, not one. Only you and I will know, and I'm not long for this world. So rest easy now, your secret is yours alone to bare. I'll finally be free of it. But you will have to live with it forever, alone." She had born that secret alone for all this time-- or so she had thought-- but now it felt different. The secret no longer ate at her, but now it began to feast once more. That her secret was not a secret at all was like discovering an open wound gone unnoticed, now festering from neglect.
Throughout your teenage years you're told by the anti bullying mandatory rhetoric that life gets better. The bully falls on their face and the abused rises like a phoenix from the ashes. Emerging into a life of success and happiness, because they are good, and good prevails. The movies and shows we watch reinforce this, and there's even redemption for the bullies. We all live happy lives with pain spread throughout. But it's nothing we can't overcome. We're all the main character after all, and something always comes along! It's just the human experience! We meet that special somebody naturally, fall in love, fall out of love, do the whole song and dance! We have that wacky friend,a group, a tribe and we help each other through it all! Justice prevails, and evil only rises occasionally for us to squash it. Then you're an adult, but not really. You're still young and nothing has really changed since you graduated high school. You notice that you're expected to do more with less help and it starts to take a toll. You start to experiment with ideas, the ideal life we were taught existed in our childhood is supposedly being destroyed by this side or that side. It could be how we were taught but the enemy has risen and we're the ones who have the right of it. Years pass and you realize that each side is fighting for a utopia that doesn't exist. It never has. This is as good as humanity has ever had it, but it will always be imperfect. You ruminate over all the time you wasted, now noticing the effects of an aging body and mind. You see the youth of today acting foolish, the fool you used to be, wasting it all like you wasted it. You remember all the times those adults scattered throughout your life told you of the injustice and cruelness of the world. Begging you not to waste it. They were the losers you would never become. Then one day you find yourself at a job you hate reading a post by some 18 year old who's on the path to destruction that you were once on. You try to warn them but they never listen, the cycle continues and you realize that you've stepped into the shadow of a memory of that adult long ago who tried to warn you.
New Mombasa. Do you remember when the world stopped? When the rain, falling in waves, was the only thing left moving in that city. It's always us who are forgotten. The ones they left behind, the ones who didn't carry a rank, or a gun. The ones whose homes became bunkers, whose streets became battlegrounds. The death of the city came long after the final shot was fired. If I close my eyes, I can still hear the dying breaths of Mombasa, a haunting silence heard between drops of rain.
Anyone reading is either new, or doesn't mind or relates to my rantings, or is a misanthrope, nihilist, outcast, just like me. So away with the guilt, you read what you want to read. They tell you drinking is a vice, a vice for weak people. But I've never made so many people love me, never made the world a better place without a drink. God, this is turning into a repeat episode of a previous blog. I'm just dumbfounded at how good I feel when I drink. I do it in moderation, maybe that's why I don't understand the dangers. Thank God I feel a little off the morning after a good drinking session, it stops me from drinking day after day. I can't take credit, there's an ancient knowledge in my head guiding me, its name is instinct, and I've been blessed with one that (although overly protective) realizes danger at ever intersection. Jack Daniels was the cheapest whiskey I could find. Tastes like ass, but it gets the job done. Picked up a six pack of Henninger Lager as well, pretty good tasting as far as beers go. Alcohol in general always tastes like shit until you get a few drinks in you. But once you do get them in you, Henninger is light enough to keep a buzz going. Buzz rating 10/10 Pre buzz rating 4/10
What I've been fearing has come to fruition. Death of those I care about, suffering of those I love is inevitable.. and I can only pray that I can numb myself enough, to lose my innocence, to become the devil. I don't want to feel anything but pain while they still feel pain. Suffering is life, and I'm gritting my teeth in anger, ready to show suffering how much I can take of it. Give it all to me, not them, I will suffer an eternity of torture, just leave them alone. Show me God, what you're capable of, show me, leave them be. You're a fucking coward, give me your power, and face me as an equal. LEAVE THEM ALONE.