This blog has talk of suicide. I wanted to warn you guys about what I have posted first.
Depression. How many people have truly gone through, battled and are trying to overcome depression.
The feeling of being so lost, so alone is horrible. To wish that you never wake up. To wish that you had the guts to grabe the knife and slice it across your skin. To see the blood flow and to finally end it.
I battled depression for roughly three years. I am getting better now, but I still have my bad days. It kicked off when I met a man. A man that was drunk pretty much 24/7 and liked to play mindgames. He mentally abused me, made me do things that I refuse to talk about specifically. Escpecially here. He pinned me for being gullible and I was. I didn't want to be alone. I was lonley and wanted someone and he payed me attention.
This guy also was delusional to the point where he thought he fought in the second world war, (he was 38, and yes, very much older than me but not THAT old), he figured himself to be watched by Intelligence agencies and said that he was one of them and would recruit me if I wanted. There are others but it's too rediculous to mention.
One day, he was trying to get me to sing for him while he played a guitar and I hate being forced to sing out loud. I am painfully shy sometimes and don't like singing in front of other people, most of the time. And it clicked within me. I stood up and said No. I left him and refused to go back.
A few months later, I think, I was at my friends parents house (BBQ, DRINKS etc.) and I was quite drunk. I then got angry. I decided that I was going to go and murder this guy that had taken advantage of me. I was going to go back to my flat, grab a knife then knock on his door and shove it through his throat.
Luckily my friend, her parnter and mother all stopped me and I brokedown on their front lawn. I had finally filled up my emotional bottle and overflowed, causing me to have a nervous breakdown.
I was lucky to have my friends there with me because I probably would of done something that I would of regretted.
So here comes the depression. Suicidal. Black hole of emotional dispair. So please do not judge if you have never felt like this.
I went to a doctor about my depression. And while I sobbed my heart out he looked at his watch and said that I should of made a double appointment. He mentioned somethign about counciling but he looked bored. I was devistated and never went back to another doctor. I wasn't ever clinicly diognosed but I knew that what I was feeling wasn't right so I battled on.
Phew! This is taken quite a bit hasn't it! Well, I shall post a sequal to my annoyingly long tale.. Thankyou for sticking around to read this, and no, I'm not trying to get sympathy. I am telling you my story. And this is the only blog I have. I will continue on in another post with how I overcame depression..
Oh geeze, I belong on Dr. Phill or Oprah!
I have my forum but it's pretty much me and one other person. But hey, it's all good. I figure, as long as I keep posting my crap poetry there, no-one else can tell me how bad it is!
I'm not sure exactly why I am going to not stick around the forums much, Don't get me wrong, I love this place I figure that I have made a few friends and I like quite a lot of people on here.
But.... I dunno... *shrugs* Anyhoo... I hope none of you think less of me for saying hey! I got a forum! It's just a place not exactly just for writers. You don't have to post poetry or anything... but enough of that. We will see how it goes. If no-one joins well no-one joins.
I personally think that this place has changed a bit. Can't put my finger on it but I partly feel as though I'm on the outside more often than on the inside.
Okay, well, I gotta go back to work.. blech... and I will catch ya around some time, okay?
Well, I have decided to give running my own forum a go. It's at www.writerscove.myfreeforum.org. So if you want to go and have a mosey around, feel free, it's only a baby so there's not much happenign at the moment!
Oh and I am not intending to steal forum members as I still enjoy this forum very much. I wanted, A: To get a little bit more of control with what happens, B To have a bit more of a relaxed place to chill out in.
While I do want other writers posting, it's not exactly forced. It's not like you have to post a poem or novel etc just to stay there. You don't really have to at all! Just come around, discuss books, games, music. Make friends.
So please don't accuse me of stealing members because I'm not! I would love the other members here to join my forum.
Oh and you will have to bear with me because this is my first forum under my own control and I'm not exactly a techi! So if you want to offer advice, please feel free! I would probably appreciate it!
Okay, a simple tip that i can give anyone that wants to write: READ. Read different books or books that are in the same or similar genre to what you write. I'm not saying go out and copy things, but learn from Authors.
I learned how to word things and how to write from reading so much. It's something that I recommend and it helps if you enjoy reading.
And even if you write little snippets of conversation that your characters are having or senario that enteres your head, write it down! and keep it! You wil be able to look at it later nad expand. I've done that several times and have used it to my advantage.
Also another tip is write what you know. If you don't, research the basics. Get books out from a library. A pain in the ass, I know, but it's worth it if you want to look like you something!
That's if for now!
Hey, just went for a walk, only a quick one though. I was getting a little breathless and my heart was beating pretty fast and bad, didn't want to stop but I thought it was best to turn around and go back home. I was out for roughly fifteen to twenty minutes! And I actually jogged, which is why my heart went kaboom! (not litterly!)
Anyways, I'm cutting down on stuff, my junkfood intake has gone down and I'm trying hard not to eat chocolate.
The only problem now is that I'm now hooked on two minute noodles in these pot things (great to take to work...) But anyways, I know they aren't exactly healthy, but I figure, better than hot chips!
Anyways, I will post my 'diet' progress of my loseing weight here in future. I felt pretty uncomfortable about posting it in the lounge but didn't know where else to post it to get a bit of support to my mates. But hey, Blogs are here and I will be posting!
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