"No eyes, no ears, no nose, no mouth, no body, no mind, no shape, no shape." Have anyone heard this before?
I typed in Shizai Ko on the internet and found parts of my blog there. That is a little scary to me. It seems to me that the name Shizai Ko is not a widely used name. There were six search results by that name "Shizai Ko". I wonder if I can change my name.
Not that they like it. Actually they hate it. They think it is a waste of time. More so because it is about two homosexual guys. I have made other stories that they fully support on, but they will not support my on this one. No feedback, no opinion(other than why the two characters are gay), etc. So this may not be as good with personal feedback. The continuation of this story is on the line. I would talk to somebody else, but all the people in my life pretty much have the same biases.
I have finally told one person about my story other than strangers on the internet. Also I began to watch a channel called LOGO. I'm already fimilar with SciFi television and now beginning to read other science fiction works. Also, althrough I'm not completely "out" with my story, I have grown to accept it, or at least it seems, because the plots and characters are flowing more now, like my other stories. I don't know if this is progression or retrogression or even trangression, but I'm moving.
No strength left. I have exhausted my body, my mind, my spirit. The only thing left is this blood, drenched in a pool of it. Even my reflection is gone. I am nothing. All I have acquired is nothing. All of what I am is nothing. So this is it. I feel so blank. It is only you and me. I like this. Its so simple. I have nothing holding me back, nothing to hide from. I remember this feeling, it was what I used to be. That was... that was yesterday. So who will I become now. Resolution is still a foreign place, still so far. I am my beginning, that beginning of what I am. This one last thing, you want from me. This mask, this fake color, the illusion that fooled so many people including myself. I am nothing without it, but I was nothing from the beginning. So here.
I am doing more research which is good. The earliest civilizations and the origin of certain words. I came across two words in my research, Anshar and Shahar. Anshar, was the sky god in Akkadian belief and Shahar was the god of the morning (dawn) in Cannonite belief. Shahar was also a descendant of El Elyon(the most high one). El, Al, and Il can also be linked to Enlil, Sumerian supreme god of the sky. I could use this.
I can't help, but laugh. This feeling, its almost new. I am not afraid of my color, this crimson. My blood, my sin, this is who I- What is that, blood? That's not my blood. It's different. I don't remember killing anyone. Where is it dripping from? I can't see my reflection anymore. Who's blood is this? The only person that I knew, honestly ever knew me, he's fading, and who's blood is this? I don't want to be alone. So I'm in this darkness and even my true self foresakes me. Why have you foresaked me? I don't want to be lost again. The blood continues to drip from above, but I see nothing. Everything is gone, even my color.
Kneeling to whatever, I rest in this dark place, in a pool of my crimson sin. I see my breath fade into the frigid darkness. I look into it. It is so deep. My eyes cannot comprehend it, but my heart knows it well. The blood continues to flow from my heart until I can see my reflection. This is what I am, what I was all alone. What happened to Your love? Temporary. My hand are not the same color anymore. You loved the color you thought they were. You loved the face you thought you knew. Conditional. But I am this color, and I am what I am. I am my beginning and my ending. But most of all, I am saved.
I have always felt guilty for what I am or feel. I don't even know what it is. I look up at this person. I don't know who he is. Maybe he's judgment or guilty. I'm tired and want it to stop, this feeling, these feelings. The person takes his sword and pierces my heart with it. I've felt this before, will I die? I remember, may I finally die? The pain its almost comforting. I deserve this agony. Finally I can die. No! I can't die. I don't deserve this. This pain it hurts, not from the sword. I've felt this before, I will not feel it again. I look in the person's face. It's not judgment, it's guilt. I'm tired of feeling guilty. So let me bleed. I'll bleed my sin all over this place. Its so pure and guiltless, crimson. I am sin. So judgment me with your sword, but I will not die only bleed. Let me bleed, I am free, I am saved.
I justed start writing my story, New Age Sanctuary. So I guess I'll be posting the updates some time. Also, I have several supporting characters since the creation of the character Gavin. My story has been flowing since I "accepted" myself, at least in part. Hopefully, it will go well. I've also considered changing the name of my story from New Age Sanctuary to something else.
There is a huge machine in my story called the Aela. The machines was used throughout history to alter climate on earth. This machine was a major step in the project that is unofficially called Project Itan. These was the first attempt to create a new world by altering the climax into a paradise and creating the new species. This attempt was initiated early in human history. The attempt failed when the first specimens of Itan abused their inherited Makarian abilities, driven by their human nature. Aela was then used to destroy the constructed paradise and the ravenous species, yet save the pure breed humans. In the process, Aela was lost to both human and Makar.
I have a new character for my story, Gavin. He is a product of a project called Project Nephilim. Actually, he is the result of an accident during Gavin’s father's and Mr. Six's experiment. They conducted experiments that G.O.D. (Genetics Observation and Development Dpt.) that were not approved by the covenant (the board over G.O.D.) These experiments studied the ability to transfer consciousness from body to body. One day, while developing a custom body, my characters father and several subjects were caught in the electrical explosion that transferred their consciousnesses into my characters embryo body. Although the character grows to be his own mind (soul), many of his decisions and actions are subconsciously controlled by his father’s consciousness and the personality of the others. He befriends Shar and Andrew from the beginning and later on discovers that a factor in him being their friend was to gain Shar’s trust and deliver him to Mr. Six. As so, my character is the testament that Mr. Six’s research was successful and a step in the research for personality engineering for G.O.D. once the covenant discovers Mr. Six’s research and subject. When Shar and Gavins fights, a leading scientist in the research for named Michael observes how my characters “father” basically “murders” the other consciousnesses by using them as a shield against Shar’s mental attacks, in turn altering Gavin’s personality. Michael later on does the same thing with his “Id” when Kagi attacks him in order to achieve a clairvoyant mind.
"How little boys do grow up? My wolf cub, I knew you had plenty of potential, unlike those others. You were so special to me. Remember the first time we met in that playground. You are that lonely little boy who was much more mature than those other children. And here you have grown into a man, but still alone... ...Yes you are a man and are ready for your potential to be actualized. Lonliness has prepared you for these moment. I can help you like I promised you that first encounter... ...My only pleasure in this, to me, is to see you at your fullest. You can call it 'Eye Candy'."
I woke up this morning and examine myself. I realize that I was limiting my story(which resulted from my intolerance towards myself). I have not come to terms with myself and there for I limit the extent of my story. My other story ideas flow so smoothly and come togther with such ease. The character conflicts, plot twist, climax, etc. This one is different. So, I grew up not accepting myself (surprise that I'm not dead yet). For a brief moment this morning, I allowed myself to let the world of NAS(my story) flow in my head, unblock by condemnation. Paraphrasing Kyoko (Inuyasha) - I am free to hate now. I am so much freer than I was then, free to hate, free to love.
I thought about this for a while, my characters appearance. I think I'll make Kagi and Shar appear half oriental half european. Kagi may appear more euro than not. Not too sure. Engineered to be handsome all for the purpose of mating and creating the new race. I figured that since I didn't need suggestions, I wouldn't waste people's time with a new forum topic.