Eh, just felt like write something down. Been just over 5 months since i saw a doctor and got put on some medications. Still have moments of being frustrated, but it's usually justified. No longer fight back. Instead i sit in silence and nod my head. I can't stand negativity anymore. It's so much more noticeable in people now that i have flushed it from my life. I sleep less Think less, except for things that motivate me. Thinking about in the near future of having a child. My partner keeps bringing it up now, and we both smile and think of the future. Have to save up for that engagement ring first. Bloody diamonds. Doing to handyman work with someone i never got along with. We get on great now and the cash in flowing in fast. Writing wise I'm doing pretty good too. Actually have a stand alone novel/story that I'm really feeling. And more importantly, writing. I also get alone with my mother and grand parents now. Have not raised my voice or broke anything in 5 months I also like myself now. I'm cool. Correction....Awesome.
http://www.nasa.gov/home/hqnews/2010/nov/HQ_M10-157_Chandra_Update.html It probably won't be much of interest to the greater comunity (Black hole, posssible new class of star, gamma bubble etc). But i myself, am looking to find out what it is. Apperetnly i read somewhere else that NASA has no idea what caused this thing.... Which is why im so interested in knowing what this is (New class of star?)
(Mother of all fark - I had the blog almost complete, and i lost the page somehow. So take two) Anyway i know i said i wouldn't be on for a month, but I'm feeling a strange sensation tonight and need to pop on and rant. Been a hectic few days. Saw my psychologist, and my psychiatrists. Will see my doctor in a few days time and then revisit the others in a month. Apart from making me broke, i have learnt a lot and am starting to gain an edge over my inner demon. On anti-depressants and mood stabilisers. The mood stabilisers could knock an elephant over. I only take half a tablet and its sleep time. Sleep has been blissful. Usually in bed by eight at night and I'm usually up and about by seven in the morning. I'm having peaceful, dreamless uninterrupted sleep and it is great. Some strange occurrences are happening with the cocktail of drugs though. My concentration which i pride myself over has been shot to shreds. I was doing a crossword the other day and i had to read the clue at least half a dozen times to realise what it said. Also sometimes in conversation i have to ask people to repeat themselves. Not an issue really, considering everyone else i know has done that all there life's. ha ha. Also when in conversation, i'm finding myself a lot less quieter. I mean I'm usually the person who has to tell everyone all the current events and whats happening in the world. But i find myself just not having a lot to say. People will talk to me and I'll be like, "Sure", "okay", "yes" and "no". I just don't have much in my mind to say. I'm sure I'll open up when i get used to the medication. Also i seem to have lost a little control over my facial movements. This sounds odd, and worrying, but let my continue. Being a hardcore poker player, i know how to guard and bluff how i feel. I can't do this anymore. Joanne came over and all i could do was smile. I am not joking when i say i could not wipe the sile of my face. I tried, but could not. She was like you are happy, and i was like, "I'm okay, i guess." it was funny. Joanne and i are doing great She keeps saying she is proud of me, and i am proud of me as well. ANYWAY, to the reason i post tis blog What's the opposite of Melancholy? Is it Bliss? I'm not sure. But i was talking to some friends i knew in High School yesterday. I found out most of them had kids. And since then (18 hours ago) i have had this feeling, this urge of wanting to have a kid too. I can't explain it, i have forever told Joanne i never want kids. To the point that she agrees. Suddenly i have this hole in me that just wants to start and have a family, big time. Like really. *sigh* Anti-Depressants... I do feel great though.
Was feeling really low/depressed yesterday. Was online, and Joanne came online when i was on a massive low.(I really should have logged off at this stage) End result, 6 hours of me talking about how depressed i am, how i don't think we could work out, how i should just end everything because it was all to hard. i can't even remember what i was talking about, as i do after hitting really massive pole hole emotions. I know i made her cry all night, and she is still crying today at work. She just emailed me telling me this, after i sent an email. So i told her i won't contact her until i see the psychiatrist. Not sure if i should even bother now. Whats the point when you have succeed it pushing everything of a cliff.
Well tomorrow or the day after im going to the doctors to tell them about how i have been feelings. Im not sure how long it takes, but i'm going to Anti-depressantway (though previously no a fan of the idea until lately). Im kind of scared. I mean doctors come across this daily but i actualy feel relly sick deep inside and an *sigh* depressed.... but i just dont know how to say it to the doctor. i mean have the signs, trying to throwaway my girlfriend of 10 years, telling my family to get lost and sitting in the bath cutting my arms, punching walls, breaking mobile phones and everything else thats mine but as much as talking doesnt bother me, its just the first sentence when the doctor asks, so why are you here that bothers me. I just fear saying to him or her "Im dperessed" without thinking what they are thinking (I mean i dont care but id rather stay in my room all weekend than be judge "Oh he thinks his depressed" for that awkward period The gitlfriend wants to come with me, i would like that but i've told her to stay at home. If i take this route i wonder how i will feel in a week. I wonder if unlike now i will feel anything or if i will still feel nothing, but i can cope a little either. I feel excited, if i felt something. I hate doctors and getting on my knees, but F#@! it. Updates later.
Thrust I tremble as your blood drips through my destruction. I fear my actions, though I refuse your shallow apologies. Put a bullet in my head before you pity me. Oh you make me cry, my heart weeps for you, I lie not. My weakness, or shall I say was. This isn’t my battle; it’s your trial. You cursed me with your presences. Thrust You let the Raven perch upon my hopes. Blinding me. You let the dog feed upon my deepest desires. Numbing me. You pleaded the clouds too rain over my every breath. Killing whatever good was left. Thrust You deconstructed my reality. So allow me to carve up your mortality. Trust Let me feed you the steel that bears my hate. Allow me to rest this anger into your moral decay. Have me rain clouds of rage until you scream my name one last time. Trust Silly girl, looking at me like a stranger. Don’t try and hold me with those poisoned hands. No I wont hold you one last time, die bitch. Trust Love for us came in the summer breeze once. Our names carried from dawn till dusk, everyone knew. But summer ended, the winds died. So will you. Trust Fear not it’s over now. Let me place you on the floor. Don’t worry I’ll clean your mess up. Maybe it can be like before An army of feathers scatter as the Raven takes flight. Thunder roars before the dog looks one last time at its former occupant. The clouds depart, white light promises a tomorrow. I Awake. My eyes open for the first time in a long time. A familiar love lies dead on the floor. Tears fall confused Are they happy? Are they sad?
The black dog has been visiting lately, maybe a bit of poetry, "whatever" will help. A few weeks feeling dark, than a few days of light. Sadly the light doesnt last as long as i would have hoped this time. I lock the door behind me, privacy aplenty. No Angels welcome here, only the demon from within. I turn the tap, a loud hiss arging against it's will. The warmth of the water fills the room Reflecting into the mirror like yesterdays past, I see nothing I care for anymore. Eons pass it feels for the tomb to fill completely, I wait. One last drag from the cigarette, my only friend in this hour. Time for bravery to take the call, no more failed promises. No more waiting. Steam releases towards the ceiling. Stupid tears fall from the blackness within. The window fogs up, God wants no part in this. The metal feels hot between the sweat fevering my cursed fingers. The silence is almost deafening apart from the beat of life in my chest, which pleas for mercy. The pain is minimal, nothing like I would imagine. Warm ribbons of red roll down the last of my mortality, licking at my fingers I match the other, as another dozen streams run down in race. Bombs drop forth and splash into the coffin, flowering like crimson rose's. I close my eyes, slide deeper into the the fading warmth The amber from the cigarette goes out I follow
(Forgive me, I’m just spilling my brain) Well as some of you know, after struggling with procrastination for almost a year, I stepped up to the plate recently over the past six months, not only finishing my first draft of my novel (part one of a larger story bound to me by an over the top imagination) I have written something near 200k words (Yes, yes, YES, for god sake I know). Which means either A) Cut 100,000 words or Cut/add another 20,000 and split the book into two (which is plenty enough to add further conflict/crisis and resolution, development and so fourth). One thing i have almost learned (As apposed to years ago with my early attempts) is pacing (even though you wouldn’t think so with 200k words so far and in my head, it only feels like the prologue to the main story. Anyway; What does bother me though was the first part of the story was somewhat of an introduction to the main characters (Protagonists) where the reader was to discover that each had their own weakness (Moral) which was to be resolved by books end, or at least truly rooted out and left bare to the wind (Like Alice in wonderland, while on the way to their ultimate destination). The Antagonists only were going to be in the Prologue and Epilogue (Again I know, but it was no info dump trust me) Building it up so a Major crisis could be born in book two (Which was to be predominantly more of the Antagonists side, creating the crisis). So now that I’m going to have to split what I thought was book one into two, its screwing with my brain how to deal with these Protagonists who I really don’t know yet. Which is the point of this. The thing is, even though I consider the first draft the most vital stage of writing (I mean if you don’t write a first draft your story can never exists, right)? It just 99.7% self conscious writing. I mean I know where and what I want, I truly do, but I never put much effort into the whole thing; I just trust my brain with its imagination and let loose. But I never figured that the second d draft would be so daunting. On one hand I have so much to do, I actually have to be conscious of every move I make now and it actually scares me, because deep down I love, hate and enjoy being with what I have created, so every move now effects everything in a million different shades. But on the other hand, I can do whatever I want, I can turn him into her, I can turn her into a dog or that stupid donkey into a Ninja pirate monkey who will save the world etc., which even though I’m scared crapless, I’m more excited then a junkie about to shoot up. Anyway I’ve only written about 10,000 words from the Antagonists side, and lick my lips in anticipation to go back their (I wrote the Prologue and Epilogue first, and the main chunk of the story last) So I have not touched them for over a year (Though I think I know them better then my main characters, who have only just discovered who they are themselves through circumstance). A year ago I wanted my Antagonists to be really awful, careless individuals hell bend in protection what they have and spilling blood to get what they needed, but now I don’t know. I’ve changed as a person over the past year, and I know its not nice but I have discovered I have a lot of hate within me, and I no longer see evil as evil and good as good. I mean its not like what I see change in my life as nothing new to everyone else, its just lovely how the difference between evil and good is only a matter of opinion, and today, as of 2009, what is off opinion anymore? Anyway from now until i finish my second draft and write my second proper book (Book 3) it should take another year to eighteen months and it’ll be somewhat interesting to see if my Good and bad mutate into the same horde, or pass each other by and become their opposites.. At the moment, if I could create something, I would love for my villains to have a romantic evil nature, one that is not of Hollywood illusion, but of true evil, the evil we see every passing day on the television, internet and so forth. I’d like my villains to actually have a soul, an opinion, morals and I hope that as “bad’ as they are, I hope that they can not just “develop” but become something that makes people question themselves and say, “You know what, his a bad arse mother, but I see where his coming from, maybe his not the man I think he is”. I want them to make the wrong decisions that break their loyalty to the dark side even if its for one moment, only to have a loneliness to take over and force them to do what they think is right, yet morally wrong and know it and feel sad for themselves. Indecisiveness’ Yet I would love for my Protagonists to come across decent, doing all the rights one would expect of such, yet somehow corrupt themselves into making wrong reckless decisions, and I don’t want them to know this at all!, I want them to fall into the pits of hell only to realise they walked the wrong path only to discover this when its too late to save themselves. If I can have my “hero’s” fall from grace to never redeem themselves and have my villain see a spark of white light for only one moment yet use that too forever chance the face of the humanity for good, then I myself would be pleased. I have a feeling its going to be a difficult, long journey. But I will attempt it nonelessless.
Character travel thoughts. (Point A, Point B) A few nights ago I was outside under the stars, having a cold coke, pretending I was outside smoking when something hit me. I was thinking about my story and how it supposed to be a long journey. I thought, most the time my characters really wont know where to go from point A to Point B. I really haven’t given them much choice. I was thinking, how do others do it. So I had to think of The Dark Tower. I cant say for sure but I think Stephen King at some stage thought the same thing… Im pretty certain actually. In his book he used “The Beam” as a path for the characters to use to get to the Dark Tower. (Everything follows the path of the Beam, the clouds, the trees the tide etc). And you know what, its stupid. I liked it when reading the novel but I though it was a cheap trick (Mine will be no better, but really the Beam…come on). The thing is, the beam become the main story in the end, which is what upsets me a little. (The reason I believe he was like me in thinking how do I move my characters is because the Beam is mentioned at a time when all the characters are just together and the “main” journey is about to begin). Oh well I’ll shut up now. My idea on how to get my main character though the world/story. Basically my main character comes from a parallel Earth. He comes from a future Earth, probably between 10,000 – 30,000 years. He often talks of “The Ancient Ones” who had strong magic (Technology) who destroyed civilisation twice over (two different times, one around out time, another 10,000 years on). Between the peek of civilisation and the Wanderers time (with the destruction of everything good between) a few magic’s (technology) survived. One of these was a magic tree which when planted would grow and live for 1,000 years, which when it reached its time (1,000years since plantation) would die. The world is different now; only a few million people are spread around the world in a handful of locations. Major familles (those of importance) are given one of these seedlings to grow. During the lifetime of the tree the family will burry they’re dead around the tree under its gigantic branches. Hundred if not thousands of the dead will be planted under the tree creating a bond between family and nature. When 1,000 years has passed the tree dies turning to stone. Before turning to stone the tree drops it’s biggest branch to the ground. Each family has a witchdoctor who will gather the branch. Each tree has special powers that it can pass on. The Witchdoctor has the ability to communicate with a presence the tree has, but is never allowed to further it. Thus when the tee dies the Witchdoctor has the understanding on what to create from the branch. A cup, a staff, a toy, a key…. Anything is possible. The Witchdoctor decides though.. The Item is given to the head of the family who generally gives it to his son or daughter, grandson, granddaughter. The item created from the Wanderers tree was a staff. The Power from the tree given to the family was guidance. Thus the Wanderer was given a staff of Guidance, which powers to him through dreams, leaving him hints on how he should adventure. What path he should take to better it (This needs working on) This whole idea gives “Family Tree” something I guess. I will have to work on this idea though.
Somewhere within Shadowfall lay a room of white. This room is of pure radiance; so pure that alliance to it could cause life to be fulfilled until the end of time. A room that could cure sickness and bring everlasting happiness. A room that could endure all the hate the world could throw at it. This space crafted out of God’s own soul to be given to a mortal being who would endure, despite all obstacles, to reach it. In this room lay all of creation’s loving embrace so that any being of darkness that bathed in its presence would have their existence erased. Here in this room lay one single door, located at its centre, floating above the floors surface. Through this door lies salvation for mankind if one wills it. Any who open the door with good at heart will live forever doing the goodness this presence orders, that of bringing mankind to its realisation of who they truly are. However, until this person fully understands their purpose by discovering in their own soul what will bring this to mankind, they will endure through the ages, doomed to repeat the mistakes of their past. [FONT="]In another location at Shadowfall lies a room of pure black, full with the world’s darkness. This room harbours all of evil’s hate and, unlike the room of white, grows stronger with odium every passing moment. It is said one day these walls will crumble. When this takes place Shadowfall will be destroyed, with it the room of White, and with that Mankind will no longer be.[/FONT]