I'm losing focus,
I need to concentrate- take a moment to contemplate,
lean back and smile, listen
to the words that pour from her mouth.
I can't look her in the eyes in case she can see through me,
because I'm crumbling underneath,
through my eyes she can see, a devious man,
im not what I say I am...I am
nothing but empty words,
comforting fabrications you see?
That make you weak at the knees,
caught in this web of deceit.
You think I'm everything you've ever dreamed of,
but I'm your worst nightmare mate.
I will bend you to my whim-
a mere puppet in a twisted game of cat and mouse.
But you see I've played this game before;
I've got a lot of practice you might say.
And do not doubt that I will most assuredly have my way-
but you will most certainly never have me.
Because I'm a luminous stone, a golden fictitious hue,
cold and unnatural like things that stare back at you,
And how I stare at you, from behind a one way mirror,
the eyes I stare through, from which she can see clearer,
into this wall of cracking stone.
And now perhaps you ponder why?
But the most fucked up thing is...so do I...so do I.
After this game we played,
the thrill of the chase,
but me, nah, fuck it,
I dont give a shit.
Time...is creeping along,
and I can feel myself sinking.
Falling deeper, slowly submerging
into the stillness of the cold night air,
the silence of this lifeless room.
Engulfing me...Consuming my thoughts,
Devouring my dreams, night by night.
Every moment, each instance
seems to slip through my fingers
as the sands of time trickle through-
Grain by grain, second by second,
Falling into the past,
Descending far down below,
until there is nothing left, but forgotten memories.
The day is lost, and tomorrow fast approaches.
I find myself wondering...what lies in wait?
As the grains, they aggregate,
and the sand, it accumulates-
Slowly...oh so slowly...
The bulb empties, and all that remains of me,
is a lifeless silence, and windswept dust.
So I lie here in wait.. still I lay here in wait...
You want to say something good,
you want me to write something enthralling,
...but I want to write something
because...I need to know,
I need to show myself...
Touch them, grasp them...
know them like cold hard things,
that are measured and bound,
answered by fingers on a hand.
But I can't quite grasp them,
I can't clasp onto it...
these deep blue swelling tides,
bubbling, unfurling,,, it is...
what this is...I feel,,,nothing...I think...
everything...is slipping away,
Nothing... is all I have,
these thoughts...are all I have,
but they are...they are nothing,
nothing but yet...everything?...
I cannot escape, but I must hold on hope,
until morning light beckons,
and that crisp callow air seeps through,
the darkness of the night fades away,
to be lost for another day
until tomorrow comes...until tomorrow comes...
I thought this time it would be differrent,
but I lay here alone, once again,
I don't quite know, I can't quite place it.
So I put paper to pen, my only two friends.
From my thoughts, I must be rescued,
and so I return to you, my last refuge.
I have forsaken your hallowed halls for many moons now,
but once again I must turn to you now,
to show me how-
My only guide to help me through-
my only light to reveal the truth,
and quell those thoughts that go astray,
I hope I can see and find my way,
I pray I will make it through these days,
of darkness to come, the sadness which will follow,
here alone in these blessed hallows.
where this story shall remain, retained in time.
hidden here until someone should find,
this moment, laying dormant;
left here to ferment,
these dreams once dreamt,
waiting idly by until conjured once more,
from the thin cold air-
Long after this this little life,
has been rounded in an eternal sleep.
ONLY FOR THE NIGHT
Another day creeps up on me.
I awake to the gentle sounds that loft up from far below,
soaring high up into these stone built canopies,
to here besides me where rests a stranger.
Her face appears from the darkness, as the light surrounds her,
Seeping through the curtains, flooding the room in a warm orange hue.
Whisperings of life echo from the garden, and soon the day shall begin anew.
Here I lay here awake,
falling into that deep abyss from whence I cannot escape.
I try to recollect those events that transpired the night before.
Fragments of moments bubble and spill over in quiet whispers spoken inside,
Unfurling in my mind,
as I try to unwind and sink below to find those lost memories.
Where am I? Who is she?
What was her name?
A wave of anxiety washes over me,
from whence I submerge into this silent apathy.
Those blurry remnants now accumulated,
the events of the night now reincarnated,
Between these few cubic centimetres.
Sweat dripping, bodies heaving; teaming masses stirring in the darkness.
Under the flickering of neon lights and those enchanting eyes that cast their light far down below,
into this hallowed grotto where none but us two can follow,
to bear witness to this instance.
I look at her;
that beastly desire swells up once again within of me.
Our bodies gently rise and fall in these peaks and troughs.
The humming of the bedside fan,
The ticking of the dusty clock that hangs on the empty walls –
Cascading ripples of sound in the dimly lit motionless room.
A thick blue duvet covers us,
here where we huddle together in the covers of darkness,
Here where we lay sheltered briefly from dismaying reality.
For these few brief moments, we remain wrapped in this apperceived fabrication of sensuality.
Yet as that surging feeling subsides,
clarity enshrouds me –
Those memories come flooding back and my thoughts scatter like shimmers of the moon.
I try to grasp them but they run through my fingers, and back into that deep empty stillness.
In my mind I see the images –
these moments of time now forever ingrained in this thinking mind.
I see her across the room.
Wide eyed blue emeralds stare back at me, I feel myself becoming lost in them.
The words she speaks fade into the background,
and my eyes inspect every facet of her pale delicate face.
Her plump red lips move so very gracefully as those gentle oscillations continued to pour from her mouth.
Her slim figure is draped in a long flowing crimson red dress, which flutters in her every subtle movement.
Her wide hips, her thick scarlet lips and slender appendages that touch me so softly,
embrace me so lovingly,
Captivate me in this misty haze of ecstasy.
It seems I could not help but be enchanted,
enthralled by her every word.
The folds and curves of her body scream fertility, and so I readily listen to her,
take her in my hands and lead her outside.
Yet I could not shake the feeling that perhaps danger lurks in wait,
under this seemingly innocent surface.
We arrive at mine,
she looks at me and I know –
That game she thinks we’re playing, all those subtle signs she keeps conveying.
But I know, I see her ways,
those ways that women have control.
But into their dreams I have seen many moons ago,
when once foolishly I tried to take a mere slice of my own,
But plundered far down below, into darkened recesses of the soul.
Here is where lays the desires of men,
Hidden from view,
and now bidden unto those few who choose to act without restraint,
Those few who dare not abstain from the darkness;
that primitive desire which lays dormant.
I roll the note tight,
Close my eyes to block my sight, and partake again of those forbidden fruits.
And with that powdered remedy, come’s this deceitful empathy;
Happiness with chemistry.
With it she readily takes me by the hand –
These best laid plans of mice and men that often go askew.
I grasp her tightly by the wrist,
and lead her into the room of a stranger,
where I confine her, and I gently incline her.
Here we lay intertwined together under the covers of darkness –
fervently caressing and touching,
seeping into one another;
in this seemingly tender embrace of lovers.
She incites me, invites me to delve further still.
Those words of manipulation, these actions of deception,
begin to reveal their prevailing potency.
Congesting her mind with carnal lust,
stroking her voluptuous curves, her shimmering blonde hair;
Whispering tenderly into her ear; I know exactly what she wants to hear.
Yet when the moment comes,
for us consummate this union, procreate in unholy matrimony;
I hesitate to instigate the final act.
I withhold that beastly desire,
for my inhibitions conflict in me, and restrict me from defiling her innocence,
in this moment of weakness,
My mind lost in these sweltering thoughts.
Creeping through the hide amongst cracks of the wall,
Seeping through I see them fall,
the shawl of reality, the thread of causality
I follow far off into the distance.
I will hurt her,
I will reject her,
I will most assuredly neglect her.
I will refrain from her advances, I will retain those prolonged glances,
from across the room,
where we once kissed so tenderly in the silver light of the moon.
And so I refrain, and hold her gently, embrace her tenderly;
hold her lovingly in the yellow callow daylight,
until she fades away into that slumber from which she cannot awake.
I wait patiently and unmovingly, until she opens her eyes unexpectedly,
and gazes unto me, still confused in lethargy, but still smiles and kisses me tenderly.
We share a few brief words of kindness, one last kiss of tenderness by the door;
but then we part our separate ways, never to meet for the rest of our days.
I find myself left wondering,
will she even remember my name?
Separate names with a comma.