This is the first time I have been on here in months. My work went back to being insanely busy and once again I was wrapped up in it, unable to think of anything else. My job was the most important thing to me until my dad unexpectedly died. Now I don't think about work, I dont really think about anything anymore. I just think about him. I'm not good at this and he would be. When the cards and the flowers stop, when the texts and the calls stop, its just you thinking about a voice you will never hear again. There is no where for me to put the love I have for him. I am writing this so that there is somewhere forever on the internet that knows how much I loved him.
Now that restrictions have started to ease in the UK, needless to say my industry has finally started to become busier again which I am loving! Unfortunately that means I haven't had chance to write as much anymore but I'm going to start critiquing work again My books are still in their moving boxes until my alcove shelving is built which hasn't allowed me any inspiration. I do feel a lot more settled in my new home now though my oven broke the other day and since I am a homeowner now I have no landlord to fix it haha! Rainy day funds it is! Life seems a lot more settled now, perhaps that's an other reason I haven't thought of anything dark to write about.
They say the three most stressful things in life are: - getting married - getting divorced - moving home If I ever were to get married, I'm lucky in a sense because I'm an event planner by trade so I've all ready done a few of these. I imagine my own would be more stressful but I figure I can illiminate a lot of it just by routine. If I were to get married I certainly wouldn't want to think about getting divorced. I'll just hope that never happens. Which leaves me with moving home. September 2020: my boyfriend and I find the perfect house and the rollercoaster begins. My boss said "you know it's one of the most stressful things you can do" "Pah" I scoffed, "so far so good" Oh how naive I was. You see, I got all that paper work in pretty sharpish, I like being organised and know where I'm at but that was where the stress started. I didn't realise just how long I would be waiting for everyone else to be ready. Months of endless waiting and there was nothing I could do about it. It started taking over my every waking thought, I started wondering what worst possible senario could be happening. "There is literally nothing to worry about" my boyfriend would say. "We don't know that!" I'd snap back. Then I realised something. It wasn't the house purchase in itself (well it was but it was a specific part) I'm just not good with stress I can do nothing about. I never get stressed about work deadlines or organising things. Anything I have control of, I can smash it out of the park. I wish I knew before this process just how awful the feeling of waiting for such a lifechanging thing would be. Note to self: chain free properties only from now on. Today I have my contract and my boyfriend and I move in on the 12th. A learning curve for me it has been and now I get to do all the bits I can be excited about: sorting bill transfers, packing, buying furniture... the control freak in me is happy once again.
I recently posted on here with the first part of the first chapter of a novel I had started. The idea had been bouncing around my head for a number of years. Last week, I popped outside of work for a cigarette and whilst I was smoking, I realised something. It was crap. Not the idea, I still loved that, but the beginning. SPAG feedback aside, the other comments I had received really didn't capture what I was trying to create so I started rethinking. I feel I am still in research phase and the more I've done the more it seems to be coming together. I want to tell the story I want to and the reader will be more likely to 'get it' I always felt my novel would tell a mood, my first draft of a chapter doesn't show this. I know I have given myself a difficult challenge with what I want to write, an unreliable narrator with a pretty bleak theme. Though I still think the more I learn and write and change and adapt as the story unfolds, the better chance I have of pulling it off. Onwards and upwards I guess.
Recently, I have logged back into this after 8 years and had a bit of a cringe when I looked at the blog entries I made when I was 21. From what I can update from those: 1. I did get that degree and made a career with it! 2. That boyfriend I mentioned is no more (no sad tale to tell, just the boy I was with at 21 so the chances of that lasting were slim to none anyway ha!) though I am now in the house buying process with my boyfriend now. 3. I'm still pretty pessimistic but now I like to make sure I give a good wack at things I want to do which is why I have come back here because despite writing pretty much all of my life, I never really gave it a proper go. Why not use a community of people who can tell me where I can improve right? (Also gives me something to do whilst my boyfriend is taking up my whole front room playing D&D online with his friends) I guess that is pretty much everything I've done in 8 years summed up in not so many words.
This week ive been focusing on a positive attitude. Thinking possitively really does get you more motivated. Ive actually been doing uni work instead of leaving it untill last minute and ive been thinking about what i could write! ive decided im going to tweak past ideas and make them more into a story, I usually get my ideas from intresting dreams I have and change them to make them flow better. Dreams are such a fantastic thing to get ideas from because your unconscious mind just flows! Im going to develo previous ideas Ive had in the past and create something with a little more depth to it! Ive had a few ideas of what I can add to them but of course I have to concentrate on this uni work most importantly! I never used to write plans for my work either but recently I have been, I guess it helps the flow a little but I do find myself changing the plan more than the actual story, I am hopeless at planning! oh well, you can only improve the more you do something.
Basically, im going to babble on for a bit as to why ive decided to join this site despite not actually have written much in a good couple of years. I'm hoping i can regain my love for writing as well as giving me something to do on those lazy days I find myself having more and more of. I seem to of gotten myself into a bit of a rut and have become goalless as to what i want to achieve in life. My plans over the last year included: work hard in uni - fail. actually finish something im writing - fail. become somewhat less of a pessimist - fail. Ive come to the conclusion that I dont actually do much these days, my sense of achievement is limited to completing the current book im reading or listening to my boyfriends achievements which are definitely a lot more than mine. Im hoping by getting back into writing i can give myself a bit of a boost and have something to be a bit more proud of. The things I enjoy writing mostly consist of horror and the weird, im not very girly and the vast majority of my writing rarely have a happy ending. I would absolutely love feedback to anything I write, how can i improve without constructive criticism right?