‘I wonder how this film ends?’ – No one
What with King Kong and now this, Andy Serkis has successfully become the first actor in history who is being typecast as an ape. Apparently James Franco’s brilliant scientist is so gosh darn it brilliant that a side effect of his new virus/plasmid/magic potion is high intelligence. A side effect. That’s like a cure for aids having the side effect of curing the aids of anyone the user of the cure also has sex with. A film where one man cures his Aids and has to have sex with every other victim on the planet to cure the virus would be fantastic/interesting. Sadly, we’re stuck with this.
Having presumably injected every monkey, the scientists decide to then check for any dangerous side effects, while wondering if they’re actually starring in a spoof of 28 Days Later and later wishing they were starring in a good film, like 28 Days Later. Please don’t go and see this. Rent 28 Days Later.
ROTPOTA – Tom Strange draft
A group of scientists sit around wondering what they can inject in apes next, because trying to cure cancer got boring. Brilliant scientist James Franco bursts in screaming.
DR FRANCO: They’ve gone ape! They’ve all gone Ape!
TOKEN BLACK CHARACTER WHO WILL BE FIRST TO DIE: The hell you talking about?
DR FRANCO: You maniacs! They’ll blow it up! I’m telling ya they’ll blow it all to hell!
TOKEN BLACK CHARACTER WHO WILL BE THE FIRST TO DIE SERIOUSLY THIS STILL HAPPENS IN FILMS WATCH X MEN FIRST CLASS IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME I KNOW ITS PATHETIC ISN’T IT BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO: Damn!
INT. DARK CORRIDOR
A nervous security guard mistakes a walking ape for a human in the shadows.
SECURITY: Hey you! You’re not authorised to be here! Stop monkeying around!
Audience member laughs hysterically. Rest of audience wish they had rented 28 days later.
Idea for twist at the end: Franco, the last survivor of humanity looks into the sky and sees two suns. It was another planet all along!
You can have that Hollywood. And the Aids-cure-man idea too. And any needless prequels you come up with for that.
In A Series of Unfortunate Events Emily Browning lost her parents in a fire and was forced to marry Jim Carrey in a bad wig. Sucker Punch's trailer shows that things haven't really improved for Emily, now she's stuck in a sexy mental institution.
Girl Interrupted: Video Game Edition shows that just because Snyder made Watchmen, doesn't mean he wanted to. He clearly wanted to direct a porn film with dragons instead, and now he's inflicting that dream on us.
SUCKER PUNCH (Tom Draft)
SCANTILY-CLAD SARAH: Oh my me! A fecking dragon!
EMILY BROWNING: Quick girls! Flash it!
The dragon explodes. Half the audience climaxes. The other half realise they're homosexual.
A Series of S an M Events, despite the likelihood it will feature cynical Anne Summers product placement, has every right to be a hit. The Runaways is an excuse to see Dakota Fanning dress like a slut while you lie you're interested in the band. Sucker Punch is a confession that you want to see Violet Baudelaire dress impractically.
Imagine a world where everyone is 26 or over. No censorship, alcahol for everybody, no school system propoganda and no Transformers films. We would call this land, Utopia.
Ahh Utopia, how I dreamt of it when I watched the first Transformers film. A film where a US soldier runs up to an Iraqi child and together the fight a common enemy (a giant killer cyborg).
TRANSFORMERS (Tom Strange draft)
US SOLDIER: Hey Iraqi kid, help us kill this robot!
IRAQ KID: No way man, you shot my parents in the face yesterday.
US SOLDIER: I don't have to take that from you!
Soldier shoots child. Audience laugh.
The trailer for Transformers 3 is a genuine surprise, in that it seems to hint at an actual plot. Something about giant robots (or whatever the film calls them) hiding on the moon. This sequence will be played at the start of the film, then it'll be story-free business as usual for the next 8 million hours of machines blowing the **** out of each other robot orgy. Wouldn't you rather live in Utopia?
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