This will be a relatively short entry, but I have the ongoing question of "What is it all about?" I've been struggling since the beginning of the pandemic, but it isn't because of the virus. It is like a switch has been flipped inside me and I have no will or drive to do anything anymore, including writing. I haven't picked up a pencil in over 7 months and don't really think I want to anymore. As of the beginning of this year I've taken up poetry, but it hasn't been doing anything for me either. I'm lacking basic human needs such as eating, sleeping, and social interaction. I just want to crawl into a cave and shut out the world.... Well that's tiring just writing a few sentences right now. More to come later I hope. I just want to change and hopefully for the better.
I was really excited a few months ago when I decided I was going to dedicate my free time to writing a novel, which to be honest is the worst thing that I ever decided to do. I've only written 5 chapters, and right now I hate every word that I wrote. I really am regretting my choice to even begin writing in the first place, the main reason being that no one around me ever listens to a word I say, so why should I expect them to read a whole book of my useless words? Part of my reason for coming across this way is because recently a lot of negative things have happened to me. It feels like I have evil following me everywhere I go, lurking in the shadows, looking for the perfect opportunity to hurt me again and again. I do not see the point in trying to be happy when inside I am not. I don't see the point anymore in getting out of bed in the morning. If I didn't have school or things to accomplish, I would honestly never get out of bed. That isn't normal for my age, but then again define normal... My health has also taken a toll on my life. Don't worry I'm not dying, or at least not that I know of. My memory is fading, I can't remember the simplest of things anymore such as what I ate for breakfast this morning. I'm going to the neurologist next month, but I've gotten some opinions from other sources, and their reasoning for my memory fogginess is not very good. Anyway, during the summer I have lost weight, which I very much needed to lose, but my problem is that I wasn't intentionally losing weight, in fact, I didn't even realize that I lost weight. I don't know what the problem is, but I also no longer am as hungry as I used to be, my appetite has changed drastically. A few months ago, I would be eating (or should I say snacking) throughout the day, and now I feel as if I could go a whole day without eating. My mental health isn't very good either. I have been stuck in a "hole" the past couple of weeks, and I can't seem to get out of it. I am talking to someone professional about it, but their advice doesn't seem to be helping at all. I'm going to be very honest, my thoughts have gone to a very very bad place, but haven't acted on them. I am okay at the moment, but I still feel stuck in that hole. I sometimes question what's the point, nor do I really understand why I am bombarded with such a weight on my shoulders. I guess I will find out as I go through life, right?