Of the many, many recurring dreams I have, this is by far my unfavorite. It has a mirriad different forms but always there is one thing that is unchanging. The dream occurs on the day I (don't) graduate from High School. Last night I dreamed that I was getting ready to go out. I lived in a city style Brownstone and I was looking for clothes to put on. I suddenly realize that today is graduation. There are assignments pending, and all kind of things get in the way of me getting out of the house and on to school. At many points during the dream the more sensible part of brain tells me that I have already graduated from High School long ago. I also know in my dream that I have graduated from the Defense Language Institute and from the University of Florida. But dreams make no sense and so still I am panicked that I won't graduate from High School. All sorts of people from many different parts of my life wander in and out of the dream and more and more obstacles get in my way and I never make it to school. I know full well what this dream is about. It's about failure or a sense of failure. Alongside guilt, jealousy, and envy, I can't think of a more ugly feeling. That's why it is my unfavorite dream. Why do I have this dream so often?
I just got off of a call where the person was speaking at a speed that would have given me friction burns on my tongue and lips. She was upset over a disagreement in the amount of a utility bill she was paying. The representative trying to help her was courteous and very helpful and gave all of the information that was needed, but at no point was I ever actually able to translate the information to the other person because she would cut me off within two words of my translation. There came a point when the conversation went as: Rep ~ “She hasn’t let you say a thing, has she?” Me ~ “No, ma’am.” Rep ~ “Yeah, it’s pretty obvious. Don’t sweat it. I can see you’re trying your hardest.” And toward the end of the call, the customer was simply screaming and it was like listening to an engine that was redlining out of control and about to throw a rod clean through the intake manifold. I couldn’t understand her at all. And then all of a sudden, silence. The rep comes back on and says, “I dropped her. Man, that was crazy. I recorded the whole call because that’s the second time she’s called in ten minutes, so both of our butts are covered.” All that had happened is that the customer’s payment and the new bill had crossed in the mail. That was it. She’s sitting somewhere, in some living room, having a coronary or embolism or stroke, and she didn’t owe a thing on the account. She just wouldn’t let me tell her. She was her own worst enemy.
Today I got a certificate in the mail from my job. It’s nothing much. Just a small recognition for a thank you call from one of my clients. I think it’s awesome! I love knowing that there are still people in the world who will take a moment out of their day to pick up the phone and call someone’s manager just to say thank you for a good job. I now, I know.... Super corny, right? Well, you know what? It totally made my day. I did a little happy dance at the mail box and didn’t even look to see if someone was watching. Go out of your way to say thank you to someone who deserves it. It’s a great way to put positive energy into the system.
Today’s woolgathering concerns what one’s life comes down to in the eyes of your community. I take many calls from the American Social Security Administration for people who have hit retirement age and are about apply for their social security benefits. The list of questions rarely changes. I could almost conduct the interview myself if I had access to the SSA computer systems. The person being interviewed is about to cross a line and enter into a new stage of life, at least as far as the eyes of the government are concerned and the questions seem so petty and cold. It’s like the person has been stripped of all flesh and only the underlying bony structure is of any consequence. The meat has been tossed aside. I wonder if the person conducting the interview has ever asked their client: Have you had a fulfilling life? Have you loved? Have you been loved? Did you have all the fun? Yes? Even some of the fun that you’re not supposed to have? Yes? Good! What have seen? Where did you travel? What did you taste that was strange and new? Did you dance like no one was watching, even when everyone was watching? Did you laugh so hard that tears came down? Yes? Excellent! How often? Many, many, many times? Wonderful!! * * * What about those question, aye?
There is a hover-fly next to the house today. I’m not really sure what kind of insect it is, honestly. It’s body is reflectively metallic and ripples with the dark rainbow of oil on wet pavement. It has a very large body, more like a bee than a fly. A quick internet search gave me information that there are solitary, stingless, ground burrowing bees native to Puerto Rico that might or might not be my little morning-coffee companion. It can hover with a precision that is just amazing. Every minute or so, it flits away at blinding speed only to zip right back to almost the exact same spot where it had previously been hovering, as though the X,Y, and Z coordinates were somehow locked into its navigational array. Amazing little critter. Nature is awesome.