A thousand's day day in day out

By Malisky · May 18, 2020 · ·
Categories:
  1. I wake up with a racing heart feeling as though I'm lacking oxygen. Was it the heat? Was it a dream? What did I dream? Oh yes. It was that dream again. It's daytime and I'm at some crowded square at the center just standing there, thinking what am I doing here? Soon I realize that there's gum in my mouth. Its' taste is awful. I try to spit it out but I can't. It has melted inside my mouth and has become a gooey mess that's glued between my teeth, under my tongue, everywhere. I find a more private standing point and try to extract this disgusting mess with my fingers. It looks like melted wax. My fingers are all sticky now and then I wake up. Again.

    I only slept for five hours but I know there is no reason to stay in bed any longer. No way I can sleep again. I am wide awake. I get up, brew some coffee and check my bank account. No money in yet. Perfect. I check my tax account to see how many installments are left to pay upon a specific settlement - one of the many - and almost get a heart attack. It shows that I haven't made any payments, to any of my settlements since February... What? Oh, they've also fined me a hell lot of money 'cause of this. I've paid them! I always pay them, religiously! I've got the receipts motherfuckers! What the fucking fuck?

    I compose myself and call my saviour; my accountant. I explain the situation while laughing like a mad man. I don't know why. Laughter just pours out of me. He tells me not to worry. He's been getting calls from all of his customers since March, all claiming to be having the exact same issue. The payments have been made. The tax office's website has been having some technical issues they were aware of and when they decide to fix them everything is going to update to normality again, correcting the values. I feel my body temperature dropping to a more comfortable level. Long exhalation. Short relief. Why isn't the money in yet though... Why, why, why?

    Tomorrow's the first day back at class again. Instead of happy I'm feeling stressed. Uber-stressed. I should be focusing on my finals. I shouldn't. I've had it all planned out, didn't I? Didn't I... I didn't. Shit. I've got to figure out a way to pay them... Fuck it! You know what? I won't pay them. I can't, not now at least and for a while. How long? I don't know and that's the awful, honest truth. I've had it! I'm just going to lay down the facts and we'll take it from there. Thing is: I got to know and I got to know now.

    I call at school and decisively ask to speak with our manager. They tell me that he's at a meeting and that he'll call me later in the day. I give them my contact details and wait... and wait... and wait... and wait...

    Lunch time. I pour a serving of lentil soup and begin eating it indifferently. I'm thinking about my contest script. Back to my final school project. Back to the money. Back to my script. Back to my newly found worldbuilding mechanics. Back to... Is this my phone's that ringing? I bolt out of the kitchen and into my room. "Hello?"

    It's a lady from school and she's from the finance department. Well, that's weird. How did they know I had called them to speak about the finances? I was waiting for the manager to call me. I ask her if she called me due to the phone call I had previously made. She tells me that she knows not of a previously made phone call. Oh, figures. They got to me before I got to them. Anyhow, I see this as a fine opportunity. I tell her my problem and she agrees that this indeed is a problem. I ask her what can be done, but she rushes to send me off without giving me an answer. She seems to be in disbelief and asks me again when I will be able to pay at least for March. I tell her the same. I don't know. I'm also waiting on money I'm owed. Things are unclear. She tells me to come earlier tomorrow at school and head towards the finances department to figure out a solution with them. I ask her if I could speak today! on the phone! right now! with a representative from the finances department, but she seems to be very persistent that it's best I went there tomorrow and talked it out in close range. She seems very eager to brush me off. We feign a polite "good buy" and disconnect. She brushes me off. Yeah, thanks for nothing.

    Back to the kitchen. I eat a spoonful of lentil soup and my phone rings again. "Hello?"

    It's the school manager and he's happy as a mf lark. I tell him that I've already spoken with lady "That" about my concerns and I go on ahead, just for laughs, to ask him if he knew that. He gulps. Of course he didn't, but I already knew that. Anyhow, he asks me what's the trouble and by the time he hears the word "payment" he rushes to connect me with the finances department to speak with a counselor. "Oh goodie", I think. I go back to the kitchen, continue eating my lentil soup.

    The line rings and rings and rings. A lady picks up. "Hello?"

    What'd you know! It's lady "That" again. Lol. I change my scenario. I tell her if she could connect me to speak with a counselor now, because I was thinking about - magic word: - quitting. She immediately connects me to a counselor.

    I know that voice. Damn it! It's "This" counselor. Yes, the one I detest. The fat lady with below average IQ, with the awful taste in fake finger nails, with the voice of a constipated cow and a previous sentence in phone call sales for fools. Yes, we've had a meeting from up close the previous year already. She tried being ironic. I tried to be polite. She continued being ironic. I politely confronted her upon her irony and told her to stick it where the sun don't shine and stop wasting my time. I know her game and it tires me. She listened to reason. What a sweetheart.

    Anyways, I pressured her to get a settlement on my grounds... indirectly. I just ain't got the dough sweetness. Now what? Should I stay or should I go? I want to know my fucking options. There are options, right? She, after from being nosy in my business, giving me advice upon finding a new job, to being a complete bitch, asking me for the hundredth time when I'm gonna be able to pay for March, told me that at least by July, when the finals are due, I should pay March's installment. In case I don't have it by then, then I should speak with her again and see what she can do. I said "Deal!" and put down the phone.

    Okay. I got what I needed now. More time not to think upon the finances of the situation. I got 2 months to focus on my projects, but still, I feel no relief. Problem is I don't trust her. I don't trust the tax office. I don't trust any fucking constitution that has been hunting me down in order to pay pay pay them. God, I need a beer! I just have to have one. I need a patch.

    Dressed like a homeless person who spares no fucks upon her appearance I head towards my friendly neighborhood kiosk, with a limp since my ankle hasn't completely healed yet, under the scorching sun in search of a cool beer. I find it. I grab it. I purchase it. I'm limping my way back home with the cold bottle of beer pressed on the side of my neck. Yes, beer. Cool me down whichever way you can.

    I'm alone, walking in the middle of the street that crosses with mine. Just a few more limps to go. A mishmash of thoughts running through my mind. A sudden dread of loneliness twines around my solar plexus and it squeezes me. I've got friends. They give me more love than I could ever give. They want to see me on a daily basis. They confide in me. They trust me. They give me so many things wholeheartedly. Then why? Why do I feel so... disconnected? Why do I feel as if I'm speaking in their language, but they don't know mine? Do you ever get the feeling, and it might be fleeting but as sure as the sun, that no one in the world understands you no matter in how many ways you try to be understood? It's not a long lasting feeling, but when you happen to get it, it pricks the hair under your skin. It makes you mad, it makes you sad, it makes you lonely. It makes no sense at all, but it's there. You suddenly see the cracks in the mirror. Parts of your face and body all distorted.

    I see a figure heading over me, like it appeared out of nowhere. Has he been walking towards me this whole time? I didn't notice him. He's a man. Forty something. His hair are short, curly and ashen. He's plainly dressed. A T-shirt and bermuda shorts. He seems to be taking a stroll but I sense that he's going to ask me for something. I'm not in the mood. I pay him no attention and we walk right past each other and I think I managed to dodge him until I hear an "Excuse me". I limp another three steps towards my opposite destination until I decide not to be a complete asshole and turn to interact with the man. Perhaps he's lost. I wish at least, but by the time I take a closer inspection to his eyes, I'm certain that this ain't gonna be as simple as I desire it to be. There's not a worthy translation in english of what I answered. It would literally transcribe as "welcome" or as a contextualization of "I beg your pardon" but this is way too old fashioned. Let's say that in a common, polite way I replied with a "I'm listening".

    He asked me if there was an open coffee shop at the square (from where I've been coming from), because he wanted to order a coffee to go. I told him that I haven't noticed, but it was fairly close by for him to scan the area. All the shops are next to one another.

    He told me, "Excuse me, but are you a realtor?"

    I told him, "No."

    He asked, "Are you sure?"

    I said, "Yes, I'm sure. Not a realtor."

    "You look just like a colleague of mine. Can you take off your glasses for a while so I can see your eyes?"

    "Look man. I'm not a realtor and I'm not that friend of yours. I swear. Bu..."

    "My name's blah blah (handshake - pause - puppy eyes - I take it) and I'm a realtor (no shit). I'd hand you my card if I carried any. I live over there, by the blah blah. I must have seen you somewhere. Do you live in this neighborhood too?"

    "Yes."

    "Oh, where at?"

    "Around."

    "Cool. Do you want to come with me for walking and grab a coffee?"

    "Nah. I'm good. I just wanted to grab a beer and now I'm heading home. By..."

    That's the place where he keeps on talking and talking about a plethora of things, trying to sound friendly and cool, dripping of awkwardness and desperation, while I'm thinking whether I'm being ridiculously polite this whole time and why. I find the answer before he shuts his mouth.

    a) He looks like he's really trying. I should give him this: He's got spunk. He's clearly out of his waters. I'm curious to see how far he's willing to take this. I'm educating myself character wise. I might seem aloof, but I notice his every movement. His hands are nervous. The volume of his voice is irregular. It seems as if he's trying to sound more bassy than he really is. His eyebrows are flicking all the time. His knees are tense. He's very nervous. He made his decision though. He stands his ground. Interesting.

    b) He achieved to get me out of my head. Good!

    "... so. Do you have facebook?"

    "No. I don't use social media. I can't stand these apps", I lie.

    He looks disheartened, but man, after a brief pause he keeps on going!

    "Then maybe you've got a phone number. Can you give me your phone number so we could hang?"

    "Look man, I got a number but I'm not giving it to you. I don't even know you!"

    "Then how about I gave you mine and you can call me whenever you want?"

    Pause. My god. I'm beginning to feel flattered and I look like a hobo. I feel like laughing. I'm feeling evil. Is he for real? Can he not tell? I choose not to completely embarrass him and tell him, "Okay."

    I take out my phone. I save his number. He seems relieved. I g...

    "Why don't we grab a cup of coffee tomorrow morning?"

    "I'm sorry. I'm working in the mornings."

    "Oh, where at?"

    "At blahblahblah," I lie.

    "Oh, I used to work in..."

    "Okay, sorry. My beer's warming up. I need to go. Bye!"

    "Bye! Good to meet you. Call meeee!"

    I get home. Just before I enter the door, I take a look around me. Nobody has followed me. Cool. I enter.
    I put the beer in the freezer. A mate calls me. He asks me if he could come by later, I say yes. Truth to be told I'm not in the mood. I'd rather stay alone today. Feel disconnected due to disconnectedness, but me and this mate have had a mild fight of sorts yesterday. He feels as if I've been avoiding him. As if he's always the one initiating anything. As if he's right. The only thing I ever did wrong was to agree with him. He's right. He shouldn't take this personally though. I'm just not in the mood. I've indeed been selfish and I won't apologise for it. I needed my space. I'm like this, been like this and will continue to be like this, whether he likes it or not. We've known each other for over sixteen years now and he's one of my closest friends although we are so different in oh so many ways, it's crazy how we've been balancing this relationship for so long. Sometimes I feel I can't stand him. Sometimes he feels that I can't stand him, too. He becomes too much. Too dramatic. Too overwhelming. Too possessive. Too pessimistic. That's when conflict fires up. However, throughout these years we've managed to accept each other with each other's flaws. It's become easier. Problem is, the way I see it at least, that he has got a tendency to push people away. He'll find something. Anything. He is very untrusting and gets easily offended. He takes things to heart. Me? I live by a whole different philosophy. Easy come, easy go and whatever will be, will be. I don't get as easily affected. I don't expect things. I'm mostly curious about what's in there. Problem is I always end up being his only friend. Problem is he values me too much. Much more than I feel I'm worth. Problem is that I can't stand it. Up to this day I don't know what to make of it. Is this friendly love? Is this a need? Am I being used? Is he? We leave things unresolved. We balance them out.

    Anyhow, we agree that he'll come by later. I sit at my desk and mechanically check my bank account again, like I'm in denial of the previous values. To my astounding surprise the money's in! It's a fucking miracle. I'll make due for another month. Now, it's focus time. I need to reorganize. I'll get shit done and I'll make them phenomenal! Hold my beer. Oh, I've drank it already. Nevermind. Here I go!



    Categories:
    Dogberry's Watch and Foxxx like this.

Comments

  1. jim onion
    Hope things turn around and work out for you!

    Reading your account here makes me understand how inherently difficult it can be for women and guys to meet, at least in that kind of situation. I don't think people should be paranoid, but you have to have some "common sense" for lack of a better phrase, and just be careful. I think you handled it really well.

    I'm basically the guy you described here. My whole body shakes, but only if I go out of my way to talk to a lady who catches my interest for whatever inexplicable reason.

    But if I don't make it my objective and it just happens, then there's no pressure, so there's no nervousness.
      Malisky likes this.
  2. Malisky
    Yes, that situation was actually kind of random and I'm no medium but the guy looked kinda off from afar. You're definitely not one of the same caliber. You are way more eloquent. Later on I spoke with my sister, because his surname reminded me of something and it turns out he's the elder brother of a girl, school friend of hers. She told me that he's been having drug issues, heavy ones and long term ones since a young age. He didn't look as if he was using anymore but indeed something was off. I don't mind. I don't judge. I don't care tbh. I was just in a really bad mood, but in a sense I feel somewhat bad about my perception of things, although it's honest. I don't intend to call him. Never did. I've got enough problems of my own already. I just wanted to be polite because he seemed to be a polite soul. He had childishness in his eyes. He looked harmless as if he was just looking for some company. Idk. Thing is that in his way, perhaps unknowingly, he somewhat lit up my day and I thank him for that although he'll never know. He inspired me nonetheless.

    I get shaky and tense whenever I care too much about someone or something as well. Not an often occurrence, but it might happen and I'll make sure it doesn't show. I think it's common. Mindgames if you think about it though, no?
      Foxxx likes this.
  3. jim onion
    Hopefully he'll be alright. I've got some substance abuse problems, and my uncle.

    My uncle is a lot like that. A beautiful child at heart. It's a shame what happened to him.
      Malisky likes this.
To make a comment simply sign up and become a member!
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice