Are we, uhh, moving too fast?

By Foxxx · May 10, 2022 · ·
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  1. I met a girl (20-21) through uni but only just started talking to her about a month ago (we've been in classes together as long as a year ago but never really talked). Most of our conversation has been on Snapchat or text. Since the semester ended we've really been talking a lot, to the point that I'm starting to procrastinate on things I need to do. I feel like we might be moving too fast maybe or something? We've been flirting and beating around the bush if you know what I mean.

    I am in need of advice because I'm not sure if maybe we're moving too fast (for me) but it's just a natural thing. Importantly, most of our conversation isn't loads of compliments or anything that feels fake, like lovebombing. It feels more like coming on too strong or something but not in a manipulative way.

    For example, we're hanging out this weekend. We've talked about all the shows we could binge together *this summer* but we haven't even hung out once yet. Like, the cart is really getting put before the horse here. We've texted about pretty personal past experiences which takes a good degree of trust.

    I think where my fear may be coming from is I've never really been in a good intimate relationship. I've only dated two girls and each relationship lasted just a few months. I'm getting this reaction where I feel like my own space and time are being invaded heavily, and I think that's also my fault because I haven't learned how to set healthy boundaries.

    In her case, she has been with 5 people. One relationship just ended around the turn of the year but she has to finish out her lease with her ex. This kind of hit me as red flaggy you know? I have to trust her word in terms of how bad of a person her ex is, and how her ex isn't paying rent. She told me she's been abused in relationships in the past (not referring to her ex here, but *herself*, to clarify) and has ADD. She says she has no filter, and that's pretty accurate. She says she suffered an abusive relationship with a parent who she hates... I mean she is *very* forthright and open about her own personal life with me, which, I mean, is okay. I guess after my boner chilled out I started wondering how I feel about all this, and the amount I'm already sharing too. I'm not at all assuming negative things about her simply because she has a somewhat fucked up family background and current living situation, but still, it's a lot to take in and maybe I'm feeling overwhelmed? I mean, she's still living with her ex, and dealing with a soon-to-be small claims court issue.

    Anyway, she's coming over this weekend to my place to hang out. I feel like things are going to move toward the sexy-time direction at some point. My roommates will be home so I plan on introducing her and hanging out with them, maybe watching something or playing Mario Kart, Mario Party together. I don't plan on letting her stay the night, and I hope I don't think with my dick.

    Am I being insecure or avoidant?

    When she comes over I also want to talk with her one on one about all this and how she feels about the speed of our relationship. For example, we haven't talked about it in great detail (partly I think because her ADD makes convos jump around a lot), but she already offered to help me make an Indeed when I mentioned I need a job for the summer, and she already said she wants to do a road trip somewhere in our state this summer with me. We haven't, like, made serious plans about these things, but at the same time it feels like a lot of sudden involvement.

    At the same time, we've also talked a lot about silly shit like spirit animals, zodiac symbols, and favorite colors, or innocuous stuff like our favorite music or school related things, or her pet. So idk if I'm overthinking it.

    I'm an anxious hypochondriac, so I'm *not* trying to find problems that don't exist... that's kind of why I am asking advice from an outside perspective. But I do feel like we're moving too fast at least; that's a gut feeling I can trust. I'm trying to figure out how to set boundaries and have that conversation. I also don't know how I feel about her already calling me "babe" over (albeit only one) text, although I've also said some things too that maybe were hasty (flirty things, NOT "I love you" or something crazy, but still), so the way this has been developing is also my fault.

    I'm afraid of being hurt by someone who is not good, but I'm also afraid of pushing away someone because of my own fears (of being hurt, of losing my own time and space) when that person actually could have been alright, except just moving things too fast with me; I like her, but I think I need to get to know her more first and slow down.

    I just imagine a dystopian future where I have zero alone time, zero free time, and get cold feet.

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Comments

  1. Not the Territory
    I'm by no means an expert on the feminine mind. Or dating for that matter. Frankly if you have any woman friends they would probably have the most insight. But I AM a stranger on the internet, which is peak credentials in its own right:

    Honestly... depends on what you want. If she's cute I would personally double triple check the submarine hull is sealed* and relax and have fun (you're young, flings are fine at that age), but would resist the temptation to get too emotionally invested. Fast-onset feels good but usually seems like an obvious clue in retrospect. She's flighty, be ready for her to get bored and/or dramatic, and long-term sights are probably best aimed elsewhere.

    Though it doesn't have to be romantic. It sounds like she could make for an awesome long-term friend, since you have at least quite compatible personalities and maybe a lot of things in common.

    *you probably don't have to go as far as hotsauce like the NBA players do, but I've found two ruptured hulls in my past that could have greatly changed my life trajectory had I not noticed. Two of my exes ended up becoming oopsy mothers in other relationships. And NEVER trust the pill.
      Foxxx likes this.
    1. Foxxx
      Maybe an awkward question lol but how do you... check the hulls? The condoms are all individually wrapped in the box. Unless you're talking about what that one chick tried doing to Drake, who put hot sauce in his *used* condom that he'd thrown away.

      And yeah, that's kind of where I'm at. I'm going to have a conversation about it when she comes over later this week. I just need to think more about what exactly it is that I want, and that I'm comfortable with, and ask her what she thinks. I do want to slow things down in terms of the emotional + time investment.

      And yeah, I think potentially too, that she could be an awesome friend in the long run. I don't mean to imply I'm discounting it ever being any more than that, it's too early to tell, but that's kind of what I'm ready for (with some fun, mutual benefits) at this moment. Just want to take it a day at a time and focus more on the present or near future (like what I'm doing next week).

      Anyway, back to hulls: I am very lucky to not be a father. I had an ex who had an implant and I trusted it more than I should have and got lucky nothing ever happened. I wasn't even 18 so I can't be too upset at my stupidity. I also had no real direction in life at that time so in all honesty, even though my life would be drastically different right now, I can't necessarily say it would have been bad. But still, such things are better PLANNED.
    2. Not the Territory
      Well this is going to sound gross, sorry: But I literally checked every single one right before disposal to make sure there were no breaches. Again, gross I know, but I'm not a dad, so win.

      And yeah, I was referring to how some people have to use hotsauce as spermicide because some women are loopy enough to go diving for kid juice. Again, gross. I don't think you have to worry about that.
      Foxxx likes this.
  2. Dave The Great
    You know the answer, you know you're not thinking beyond your desire to orgasm. I'm in the camp of men and woman can't be just friends, there are better candidates who share your same biology, and who you don't want to fuck. You will always find her sexually desirable, which will leave you open to manipulation. Just by your post I can tell you're riding high. 5 previous relationships at 21? I would be thinking that I'm just the 6th. Living with an ex until lease expires? Did she grow bored? Obviously he isn't violent right, she can stand living with him. Is this a trend?

    Idk man seems sketchy as hell. No matter what I say I think you're too emotionally invested for it to break through. Have had a couple friends in the same situation as you, I hold my tongue because I know them irl and I don't wanna risk their anger. Only time will tell if they're right or I am...It's hard giving advice on "love" Most of it is so hard wired into the ancient brain that logic will never prevail, nor should it. Logic is so unromantic, and romance is desirable.

    Territory has good advice. IF you could keep it casual and play it smart you would be safe, but in reality you're going to be infatuated with her and be led along, she has the power, and unless you're 0ne of the few lucky sons of bitches who finds long lasting love young in the 21st century, I wouldn't bet money.

    That being said, it's an experience, and you're going to get a lotta feel good drugs out of it. If you can be sure that she isn't bipolar or borderline, you'll get sex and some relationship experience. That sounds so cold, but it's how shit goes, unless you want to adhere to a strict Christian moral code, you're free to do what you will, guilt free. Unless she's batshit crazy.

    Best of luck, I hope she's the one for you.
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