Battle Royale - a review ... with a twist!

By Lemex · Jul 5, 2011 · ·
  1. [In order to make these reviews a little more interesting I’ve decided to review the 2000 film Battle Royale in the style of 18th century poets and use Heroic Couplets.]

    'WHAT dire Offence from am'rous Causes springs,
    What mighty Contests rise from trivial Things,'
    Alexander Pope - The Rape of the Lock

    BATTLE ROYALE is a film that’s real bad
    But somewhere inside it makes me so glad.
    What is it about this film that’s shitty?
    MUSE! Aid me in explaining this myst’ry!
    The story is silly, and poorly done;
    Seems the director wanted to have fun
    With an island, some school kids, and some guns,
    And have one boy who all the girls love tons!
    SHUYA can’t see that NORIKO Love’s him,
    But they stay together because... it’s him;
    The result: a romance that makes milk curdle...
    To hell with just MUSE! I need VIRGIL!

    The acting is bad, just beyond compare,
    A lot of the characters are just ... there;
    Getting themselves killed so the film can end.
    So if you like that stuff – do not pretend –
    There is enough killing to make it fun
    But if you like a good story, just run:
    There is nothing for you here, it’s just all
    Killing, with one scene with a basketball
    Game, and a ball in reverse gravity.
    Just you try explaining that one to me.

    But, despite all this; it does what it does –
    And I’d not mind it if there weren’t a buzz.
    (Stuff you! I know these rhymes are really bad)
    But after watching it you are quite glad
    And not just because the film’s over, either,
    If I said I hate this film ... I’m a liar.
    It has this weird charm that I can’t describe:
    It’s feels somehow mature, and I ascribe
    To this. It’s easy to feel that social
    Commentary is it’s – well - it’s so called
    Aim (if you excuse the pun) the people
    Of this future JAPAN do not mind the game,
    And some of its winners even find fame!
    So what any message might be, I don’t know -
    It can’t be very original though;
    And I still don’t understand the ending!
    What message, BATTLE ROYALE, are you sending?

    [My god that was painful]

Comments

  1. Eunoia
    Aha, this was amusing. Nice poetic review. :p

    I didn't like Battle Royale that much. I didn't see the point in a bunch of kids made to kill each other. I can't remember what the ending was, or much about it other than that though.
  2. mugen shiyo
    WHAAAAAT???

    I LOVE this movie. Watched it as a kid. Sometimes you have to suspend the whole "everything must make perfect sense thing" and realize the movie is actually just trying to have fun with an idea.

    :( you just crapped on a classic

    :(........

    that is my trail of tears :p
  3. Lemex
    I understand that. It's not that I hate the film, I just don't think it's a great film. Besides, this was both a jokey review, and a not-very-serious attempt at something different.

    Hope you enjoyed reading it, I had trouble writing it.
To make a comment simply sign up and become a member!
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice